HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 304, 5 September 1908, Page 7

HUMORIST.

« Were you very much frightened during the battle, Pat ? Pat: “ Not a bit, sor. Oi kin face most anything when Oi have me back to it.” The Professor’s Wife : “You haven’t kissed me for a whole week.” The Professor (absently) • “ Then who have I been kissing, my dear ? ” Young Wife (consolingly to nervous old husband with asthma) : “ Now, don’t be alarmed, darling, the man does not live who has died of asthma '. ” A lieutenant fired at a rabbit, but did not hit it, and narrowly missed the major of /the regiment, who was in front of him. “I say, lieutenant,” exclaimed the major, li are you shooting for sport or for promotion ?” Lazy Wife: “Henry, do you think a camel can pass through the eye of a needle ?” Neglected Husband: “ Dunno. Do you think the eye of a needle can pass through a button ?” Mr Smith (after ill-tempered speech by Brown) : “ Mr Chairman and gentlemen, following the example of Mr Brown’s luncheon, I shall venture to disagree with him.” Small Boy : “Do your magnify things, Grannie ? ” Grannie" “ Oh, yes, dear.” Small Boy : “ Then I wish you wouldn’t wear them when you help me to jam ; 1 don’t usually get as much as you think.” Miss Pinkleigh (at the receptoin): “I suppose you are acquinted with war in all its horrors, Major Major Primton : “No, indeed. I’m still in the bachelor ranks.” “ What are' you cryin’ for ?” “ I’ve been fishin’.” “An you re cry in’ because you didn’t catch nothin’?” “No, I’m crying ’cause Pm going to catch somethin’.” Mrs Homar (reading) : “An ordinary piano contains about a mile of wire.” Homar: “ Does it ? The one next door sounds as though it contained a waggoriful of saucepansf! ” Considerate Motorist: “ I’m awfully sorry I knocked you down -—hope you ain’t hurt. Now what can I give you ? ” Yokel : “ Well zur, ’ow much do ’e generally give ? ” “ Why didn’t you vote for my friend ?” asked the politician. “ He’s the most popular man in the town. “ That’s the reason, answered the voter. “ I never yet saw a man that made a business of bein’ popular who had much of a liking for hard work.” “ Oh, I am so awfully ashamed of myself,” said Edith Jones to her clearest girl chum. “ When Henry proposed to me last night, I intended to say, I So sudden I’ but I lost my head, and exclaimed, “ At last !’ ” Penton : “At first he was simply crazy about her, but now he neglects her shamefully.” Sloanes : “ I see. At first he went out of his mind, and then she went out of his mind.” Dawson : “ The facial features plainly indicate character and disposition. In selecting your wife, were you governed by her chin ? Spenlow : “ No ; but I have been ever since we married.” Pa Swaddles : “ Well, what’s the matter now, Tommy ?” “Ma says I mustn’t never say a word ■while she is in the room.” Ma : “ Why, no, I didn’t, dear. I said you mustn’t interrupt while I’m talking.” Tommy “ What’s the difference ?” “Is your husband motoring today, Mrs Brown ?” asked Mrs Smith. “ No,” replied Mrs Brown. “ He’ll be driving, then, I suppose ?” “ No, he’s not driving either. The fact is, both our motor and. our horse are disabled. John is so absent-minded, he gave the horse a drink of petrol and put a bucketful of oats inside the motor.” A woman in the train bound for a sea-side town asked the guard how long the train stopped at a certain junction. He replied: •« Madam, we stop just four minutes, from two to two, to two two.” The woman turned to her companion and said: “ I wonder if he thinks he’s the whistle on the engine.’’