HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 301, 29 August 1908, Page 2

HUMORIST.

A little boy, after attentively regarding* a negro, remarked to his mother: “ How dark he is, ma! I s’pose he growed up in the night.” “ What shall I get you. for a birthday present,” asked a fond father of his little daughter, who was suffering from toothache. “I want some teeth like mamma s, that you can take out when they ache,” replied the small afflicted one. Mother (reprovingly) to little girl just ready to go for a walk : “ Dolly, that hole was not in your glove this morning.” Dolly (promptly) : “ Where was it then, mother ? ” Jephson : “ I suppose you must have lost some of your patients by being on the Continent for so many months.” The Young Doctor : “ Yes, confound it! Ten or a dozen o f them got well.” Editor : “ Well, madam, if the story suits me, I will pay you three guineas for it.” Young lady author (pensively) : “ Oh, come now, buy it without reading, and I’ll let you have it for ten shillings.” “ I wonder why Kaleacre puts all his savings under his pillow every night?” “I suppose he wants people to know that he has money enough to retire on.” “ Your husband painted the front gate himself, didn’t he?” “ Well, yes, I suppose he got some of the paint on the gate ; but you wouldn’t think so if you could see his clothes.” Myer: “ I’m going to the barber’s to get a hair cut.” Gy er : “ Why don’t you get them all cut when you are at it ? ” Mistress: “ And do you need to be called in the morning ? ” Bridget : “Oh, no, mum —not at all; unless you happen to want me, mum.”

“ What an odd-looking old parasol!” [“lsn’t it? It’s been in our family for almost a century.” “Ah, one of the shades of your ancestors! ”

Invalid: “ Ah, doctor, I shall never get relief till I'm in my grave.’' Doctor (cheerily) : “ All right, don’t worry. I am doing what I can for you ! ” “ Why are you crying, my boy ?” “ Because Billy slapped me.” “But why didn’t you slap him back ? ” “ Because then it would only be his turn again.” She : “Do you love me as much when you are away from me He (fervently) : “ I love you more darling.” She (sighing) : “ I wish I could be with you then.” Tramp : “ Madam, I am suffering from indigestion.” Lady : “ Why, I’m sorry ! What can I do to help you ?” Tramp: “Madam you can cure it instantly by giving me something to digest.” “My papa caught a wonderful fish. After it was dead it kept on growing.” “It could’t do such a thing!” “ Oh, yes it did, for every time papa told about it it was bigger than before !” Eleanor: “ What am I to do when they both say they love me?” Phoebe : “Marry the man you feel the least pity for, dear.” It’s a remarkable fact that the man who is playing on of tune in the little German band always seems to be the man who has the most wind. Noble Sportsman : “ Whatever it is I’ve shot, it makes a most unearthly row.” Keeper: “ Yes, poor Bill hain’t got a very musical voice, ’as ’e? But I heard him say he was going to take singing “ Pa,” complained the boy, “ so long as I go to the same school as Tommy Tuff I can’t be a Christian Scientist.” “ What,” cried the pillar of the new church, “ Why can’t you ?” “ Cause it’s hard to believe that a punch on the jaw is all imagination.” “ Oh, auntie, pray don’t go away yet!” exclaimed a little girl who had misbehaved herself. “ I had no idea you were so fond of me, Gertie,” remarked auntie. “Oh, it isn’t that,” continued the child ; “but mother said I was to be whipped when you were gone.”