HUMORIST.
Mistress: “ And pray why do ■you want to leave us, Anna ? Oook : “ The doctor has ordered my sergeant a more generous diet.’
“ To what do you attribute your success in acquiring money ?” Partly to the success of other men in letting 'go of it,” replied the great financier.
Adolphus (taking the last piece) : “ That is very good bread, Mrs Thomson?” Mrs Thomson (the landlady) : ‘ l Yes, I think it’s better bred than some of my -boarders.”
Teddy : “ Papa’s the captain of our ship, and mamma’s the pilot. ’ His Teacher: “ And what are yon?” Teddy: “I’m the compass, I suppose —they’re always boxing me.”
“ And will you give us your blessing ? ” asked the eloping bride, returned to the parental roof. “ Freely,” replied the old man ; 11 no trouble about the blessing,’but board and lodging will be at regular rates.”
Wifey : “ Is there a single man -who can truthfully say that be has loved but one woman?” Hubbv : “ There is one such man, blear.” Wifey: “Who is it—you, darling ?” Hubby : “ No, Adam
Hitter : “ This paper states that it is only a matter of time when the motor-car will reach the poor man.” Upp : “You bet it will reach him if he don’t get out of the road as soon as he hears the first ‘ honk, honk !
“ I have been taking some moving pictures of life on your farm, said a photographer to an agriculturist. “"Did you catch my labourers in motion ? asked the farmer. “ I think so. 11 Ah, well, science is a wonderful thing I”,
A suburban minister during his discourse one Sabbath morningsaid: “In each blade of grass there is a sermon.” The following day one of his flock discovered the good man pushing a lawn-mower about his garden and paused to say: “ Well, parson, I’m glad to see you engaged in cutting your sermons short.”
Said Mrs O’Hoolihan : “ Faith’ Moike, th’ father was after sayin’ me tongue was an organ. Did iver ye hear th’ ]oike ? ” Moike : “ Bedad, an’ its a bad mistake he’s afther makin’ ! Share, an’ they do say as how there’s shtops to an organ, but there’s no a shtop to yer tongue.”
Old Gentleman (proposing the health of the happy pair at the wedding breakfast) : “ And as for the bridegroom, I can speak with still more confidence of him, for I was present at his christening, I was present at the banquet given in honour of his coining of age, I am present here to-oay, and I trust I may be spared to be present at his funeral.”.
An English tourist in the West Indies had been warned against bathing in a river because of alligators, so he went in swimming at the river mouth, where his guide assured him there would be none. “ How do you know there are no alligators here ? ” he asked when he had waded out neck-deep. “ You see, sah,” said the guide, “ dey’s too many sharks here. De alligators is skeered out. Dis ain’t no place for dem, sah.”
Lady Roberts, wife of the Field Marshal, was once visiting the hospitals at the base of operations in India. She was so pleased with the nurses’ work and their devotion to the sick that she exclaimed—“ Really, I think the sisters deserve a medal for this campaign as much as anyone, and I hope they will get one.” “I don’t know about a medal,” said a gallant colonel, who was in attendance, “ but they are sure, at all events, to get plenty of clasps!”
There came a weary tramp, so weary that the dame of whom he asked assistance gave him a whole cake cheerfully from her store. •“ Take back your cake, kind lady,” cried the wanderer, dashing a tear of weariness from his eye, “I can’t touch it.” “What ails you, my poor man,” queried the would-be benefactress.' “ Are you not hungry?” “It is not that,
lady,” sobbed the traveller, but it brings back sad, sad memories.” “ Does it remind you of the cakes your mother used to make, poor fellow?” asked the lady eagerly. “ No, ma’am,” replied the wanderer, setting forth once more upon his journey, “ but it reminds me of the stones I used to break at Portland.”
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Waipukurau Press, Issue 299, 22 August 1908, Page 7
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701HUMORIST. Waipukurau Press, Issue 299, 22 August 1908, Page 7
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