HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 296, 15 August 1908, Page 7

HUMORIST.

Professor (lecturing on Hygiene) “Tobacco, gentlemen, makes men ugly, short-winded, idiotic, paralytic ; and I can tell you this from experience, for I have smoked for many years.” Fanny : “Young Mr Simpson is such a delightfully ignorant young man.” Jessie : “Delightfully I What do you mean ?” Fanny : Oh, well, you know, he always things that holly is mistletoe.” Master of the house: “You might tell Maggie that this steak isn’t well enough done.” Mistress of the House : “ You are three girls behind, John ; this one’s name is Anne.” Sunday-School Teacher: “Did you ever forgive an enemy ?” Tommy Tuffnut: “ Wunct. Sunday School Teacher: “And what noble sentiment prompted you to do it ?” Tommy Tnffnut: “He was bigger dan me.” “ Tommy,” said the hostess, 1 you appear to be in deep thought.” “ Yes’m,’ replied Tommy; “ma told me somethin to say if you asked me to have some 1 cake or anything, an’ I bin here so long I forgit what it was.” Tramp : “ It is needless to ask you the question, madam. You know what 1 want. Lady . “ Yes, I know what you want badly ; but I’ve only one cake of soap in the house, and the servant is using it. Come again some other time.” Watchman (discovering a burglar in the act of opening a bank safe) : “ Hold on, what are you doing there ? ” Burglar : “ Don’t make such a row, old man, 1 want to see if my deposit is all right. Nobody can trust his banker nowadays.” The teacher of a suburban Sunday school class recently asked her pupils what was the first thing the Children of Israel did after they had crossed the Red Sea. There was silence for a moment, and then a tiny hand went up and a still tinier voice piped out, “ Please, Miss, dried themselves.”

They talked during dinner of the recent anarchic activity. “ But papa, what is an anarchist ? ” little Willie asked. “ Well my boy,”

replied the father, “ he’s a person who is ahvays blowing somebody up.” The child turned to his mother. “ Then are you an anarchist, ma ? ” he said.

“My man,” said a somewhat pompous little squire in Kent to a roadman, “ where does this road go to ? ” The roadman considered, and answered, “ I’ve never known it to go anywhere.” Away drove the squire in a huff, but, not liking to be beaten, sent back his servant •with this message. “ Master wants to know if you would like a fool’s place ?” “ What! be you agoin’ to leave ?” was the prompt response.

A young Scotch farmer lived ai some distance from his bride elect. ' On the eventful day be set off for the station betimes, but he met one friend after another with ' the result that he missed his train. Naturally he was very much upset, and bethought himself of the telegraph. This was the message he sent: —“ Don’t marry till I come —William.” During a certain buttle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that one of the men was "extremely devoted to him and followed him everywhere. At length he remarked. “ Well, my man, you have stuck by me well today.” “ Yes, sorr,” replied Pat. “ Shure it was me mother said to me, says she : 1 Just stick to the ’ colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you’ll be all roight. Them colonels never gets hurted.’” One night, a Canadian doctor who lives in Eastern Ontario was driving into a village, he saw a chap, a little the worse for liquor, amusing a crowd of spectators with the the antics of his trick dog. The doctor watched him a while and said: “ Sandy, how do you manage to train your dog ? I can’t teach mine to do anything.” Sandy, with that simple look in his eyes, said: “Well, you see, Doc. you have to know more’n the dog or you can’t learn him nothing.’’