THE HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 281, 11 July 1908, Page 2

THE HUMORIST.

“That grass widow is a beauty.” “ Don’t catch hay fever.” « That’s old Hassock’s place. Richest man " round here.” “ What’s he got ?” “ Chronic dyspepsia.” He: “Oh, )’m no idiot.” She: “ Pei haps not. But what an excellent understudy you would make.” The teacher asked: “ Elsie, when do you say ‘ Thank you Elsie’s face lighted up, for that was one thing she knew, and she confidently answered, “ When we have company.” The Deacon : “ No, minister, I don’t think we ought to give you a holiday. You know, the devil never takes one.” The Minister : “He would, deacon, if you didn’t keep him so busy.” Teacher : “ You have named all domestic animals save one. It has bristly hair, it is grimy, likes dirt, and is fond of mud.” Tom (shamefacedly) : “ That’s me.” The Little One: “ But if I gives yer me penny, wot do I get out of it ?” The Big One : “ Why, didn’t I iust tell you I’d let you •watch me spend it ! Wot d’yer ■want, anyhow ?” Lady: “ How dirty your face is, little boy !” Boy : “ Yes ; we haven’t had company to tea for more than a ■week.” Bobbie : “ What does this author mean by saying that the hero had ‘ well carved features Dobbies : “ Perhaps he shaved himself.” Jones : “ He is a splendid talker, isn’t he ?” Brown : “ One of the finest I ever escaped from.”

Canvasser: “ I’d like to see the lady of the house.” Norah : “ 1 don’t think yez would, sorr. She’s got th’ mumps.” A schoolmaster asked the highest class to write an essay on “ The Result of Laziness,” and one of the bright but lazy pupils handed in as his composition a blank sheet of paper. “ Can any little boy,” asked the new teacher, “ tell me the difference between a lake and an ocean ?” “ I can,” replied Edward, whose version had been learned from experience. “ Lakes are much pleasanter to swallow when you fall in.” “Woman,” he hissed, “woman, do you thus spurn my heart after leading me on?” “When did I lead you on, as you call it ?” asked the girl. “ Did you not tell me that that fortune-teller had told you that you were to wed a handsome blonde young man, with the grace of a Greek god, and the voice of an Aeolian harp ?” In the barber’s shop the scissors clicked merrily away, and the... barber’s dog lay on the floor close beside the chair, looking up intently all the time at the occupant who was having his hair cut. “ Nice dog,” said the customer. “He is, sir,” said the barber. “He seems very fond of watching you cut hair.” “It ain’t that, sir,” explained the barber, smiling. “ Sometimes I make a mistake, and take a little piece off a customer’s ear.” The mathematical professor became engaged to a charming girl, and one day they made an excursion into the country with several friends. The girl picked a daisy, and looking roguishly at her fiance, began to pull off petals, saying, “He loves me not; he loves me,” etc. “ That is needless trouble you are giving yourself,” said the precise professor; “ you should count up the petals of the flower, and if the total is an uneven number the answer •will be in the negative; if an even number in the affirmative.”

Pat had come to town and brought a liberal supply of money with him. He tipped liberally, and a railway porter was almost staggered with his munificence. He looked at the two shillings thoughtfully for a moment, and, then, bending down to Pat, whispered — ££ You’ve tipped me right royally, sir, and in return I’ll give you a tip, Never ride in a last carriage of \a train, as it always comes off worst in a collision.” “ Indade ? Then why the mischief don’t yez lave it off r replied Pat.