THE HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 278, 4 July 1908, Page 3

THE HUMORIST.

Singleton : “ I understand your wife speaks several languages.” Wedderly : “ Yes ; but she- can’t hold her tongue in any of them.”

Caller: “Is your sister in, Bobby?” Bobby: “She’s both in and out.” Caller: “Both in and out 1 how can that be ? ” Bobby: “It depends on who calls.”

Little Dick: “ I know why little nigger boys is so happy.” Mamma: “Why?” Little Dick: “ Cause their mothers can’t tell when their hands are dirty.”

“ I had to leave my last situation because the missus said they were going to lead the sinful life, and wouldn’t want any servants about the place,”

Sentimental Susie : “ Just think ! Somewhere in this wide wprld is a man I am going to marry.” Practical Polly : “ Yes ; and just think how unhappy he would be if he knew it.”

“ Now, Tommy,” said Mrs Bull, “ I want you to be good while I’m out.” “I’ll be good fora penny,” replied Tommy. “ Tommy,” she said, “ I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine unless you are good for nothing.” “I have read that some genius has invented a shirt without buttons.” “Do you call that a novelty ? I have worn them without buttons ever since my wife became devoted to the cause of women!”

A man entered an inn wiili a dog, and an Irishman asked what breed it was. The owner looked at the questioner insolently up and down, and then replied with a drawl: “Itis a cross between an ape and an Irishman.” “ Faith, thin, we’re both relations to it,” was the ready retort.

The sailor was telling the gentleman of .the many relations he had lost at sea. “ Well.” said the gentleman, “ aren’t ju afraid to go to sea ?” “ No, sir,” answered the salt. “ Did you ever lose any relations at sea ?” “ No, my man,”

answered the gentleman. “ All ray relations died in bed.” I “ Then,” said the salt, “ aren’t | you afraid to go to bed ?”

A schoolboy was asked how many wars Spain had in the fifte'enth century. 11 Six,” the boy promptly replied. “ Enumerate them,” said the teacher. “1, “2, 3,4, 5,6,” answered the boy. A little girl was told by her nurse that if she did not think so much by day she would dream less at night. Ci But I can’t help thinking,” she said, and added pathetically, “ I cannot make my mind sit down.”

££ What is a counter-irritant ? ” asked Mrs Smithers. ££ A counterirritant,” replied Smithers, ££ is a woman who makes the shopman pull down everything from the shelves for two hours, and then buys a pennyworth of hairpins.”

A famous physician wug asked out for some shooting : but though he tried several times, he could not hit a single rabbit. ££ It’s awful,” lie exclaimed ; ££ I’ve killed nothing all day.” “Never mind,“ said his host ; “ write the rabbits one of your prescriptions.”

Judge (to prisoner just condemned to death) : “You have the legal right to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted. Prisoner (a barber) : “ I should like just once more to shave the Crowm Prosecutor.”

“ Come along,” ordered a warder—“ you want a bath badly.” “ Wot ? ” exclaimed the prisoner. “ A barf ! Wi’ water ? ” “ Certainly I ” “I ’ave conscienshus objeckshuns to water. Can’t yer do the job wif one of them vacuum cleaners ? ”

“ What was the worst money panic you ever saw r ” asked the interviewer. “The worst money panic I ever saw,” replied the great financier, ££ was when a sixpence rolled under the seat of a tramcar and seven women claimed it.”

Medicine Man : “ What is the matter with your -Majesty ? ” Cannibal King': “Oh. I’ve an awful indigestion.” “ What have you been eating ? ” “ I’ve just polished off an American millionaire.” “ Good heavens ! No der you are ill, I’ve peatedlv to too rich.”