ON THE WRONG TRACK.

Westport Times, Volume VIII, Issue 1182, 5 June 1874, Page 4

ON THE WRONG TRACK.

A few days ago (says " Simon" in the Weekly Times) an acquaintance of mine, whom I shall call Tom, heard of the death of an old friend of his and mine, and was very much cut up about it. So much so that he was more than once obliged to resort to stimulants, the sale of which is very properly prohibited on the Sabbath. However, he determined to attend the funeral, and whilst hunting up the suits and trappings of his woe was frequently heard to exclaim, " Poor Old Jack ! many a rum night we spent together, and many a soda and brandy we divided in the morning ! " What between grief and that which is erroneously supposed to smother it, he had some mishaps over his toilet, and more than one shirt-buttcn fell, like Robert Burn's favorite snow-flake, a moment white, then lost for ever. Consequently the mourner was a little late, and by the time he arrived at the house from which the remains were to be removed he found that the cortege had started about half an hour previously ; but Jack's friend was not one to stick at a trifle, and, hailing a hansom, he fell into it, crying " Make haste ! Catch up the funeral before it reaches the cemetery, and I'll pay you double fare." Jehu let out at the quadruped, and in a few minutes picked up a procession moving slowly to the place indicated. In clue time Tom alighted, and staggered in under the pall to the evident astonishment of the other bearers. Perceiving this, ho half apologetically whispered to a severelooking gentleman by his side. " There's no one of you knew him and loved him as well as I did. Many a rum night we spent together, and many a soda and brandy we divided in the morning." "I think you are mistaken sir," said the gentleman referred to, "we are burying an esteemed brother of an ancient order of Rechabites—a teetotaller of thirty-five years standing " Whew ? " replied Tom, " I'm blessed if I didn't follow the wrong funeral after all ! " Moral—To gush appropriately, first catch your corpse.