A REMARKABLE FUNERAL ORATION.

Westport Times, Volume VIII, Issue 1163, 31 March 1874, Page 4

A REMARKABLE FUNERAL ORATION.

The unsuitableness of the practice of delivering funeral orations over the i graves of departed friends is shown by the following extract from an lowa journal:—"A young man man died and was buried. After a most pathetic address, which brought tears from the eyes of all present, the minister who performed the ceremony inquired whether any of the dear friends of the deceased wished to say anything on the solemn occasion. A stranger here stepped forward, and after expressing sympathy with the bereaved circle present, remarked that the ways of Providence are inscrutable, and in connection with this point he wished to observe that he was agent for a firstrate article for promoting and restoring the growth of hair, which he could confidently recommend to all who were threatened with baldness in the state of lowa. The corpse had used it for several years with great advautage, and he earnestly requested the minister and undertaker present to give it a trial, the hair of both of these functionaries being wonderfully thin. ' Shake the bottle, gentlemen,' he added, ' and rub the matter well in with a stiff brush.' At this stage of the proceedings a slight disturbance occurred, aud the agent for the' Balm of lowa,' findiug that his observations were not well received by his audience quickly disappeared, bottle and all, being assisted in his exit by some of the distressed relatives,"

APELE FOB ABE; THE! SEXTANT. [By A. Gaspeb.] O Sextant of the Meetinouse which sweeps And dusts, or is supposed to, and makes fier&, And lites the gas, and sumtimes leaves a screw loose, In which case it smels orful—wus than lampile: And wrings the Bel and toles it, and sweeps paths, And for these servases gits 100 dols. per annum, Witch them that thinks deer let 'em try it: G-itting up before starlite when all wether is as cold As Zero, and like as not green wood for kindlins (I wouldn't be hiered to do it for no some). - But O Sextant there are one kermodity Wuth more than gold wich don't cost nothing : Wuth more than anything except the Sole of Man! I mean pewer Are, Sextant, I mean power Are! O it is plenty out o' dores, so plenty it

doant no What on airth to do with itself, but Size about, Scatteriu leaves and bloin off men's hats:

In short its jest as free as Are out of dores: But Sextant! in church its scarce as P iet 7 , , . ' Scarce as bankbill when ajunts beg for mishuns, Wich sum say is purty often, taint nothing to me, What I give aint nothiug to nobody: but sextant! Tou shet 500 men, women, and children, Spechily the latter, up in a tite place, Sum has bad breths, none of em aint too sweet, Sum is fevery, sum is scroflus, sum has bad teath, And sum haint none, and sum aint over clean:

But every one of em brethes in and out and out and in, Say 50 times a minnet, or 1 million and a half breths an hour. Now how long will a church full of are last at that rate ? I ask you: say 15 minnets, and then what's to be did ? Why then they must brethe it all over

again, And then agin and so on til each has took it down At least 10 times and let it out again, and what's more, The same individiblo doant hev the privilege Of brethin his own are and no one's else, Each one must take wotever comes to him. 0 Sextant! doant you know our lungs is belusses To bio the fire of life and keep it from

Goiii out: and how can belluses bio without wind ? And aint wind are ? I piit it to your conshens, Are is the same to us as milk to babies, Or water is to fish, or pendluins to clox, Or roots and airbs unto an Injun Doctor, Or little pils unto an omepath. Are is for us to brethe. What signifize who preeches if I can't brethe ? Whats Poal ? "What's Pollus to sinners who are ded ? Ded for want of brethe ? Why sextant when we dye Its only coz we cant brethe no more—that's all. And now, so Sextant, let me beg of you To let a lettle are into our church : (Pewer are is serting proper for the pews) And dew it week days and on Sundays tew— It aint much trouble—only make a hoal, And then the are will come in of itself, (It loves to come in where it can git warm) And o how it will rouze the people up And sperrit up the preacher, and stop garps And yorns and fij its as effectooal As wind on the dry Boans the Profit tels Of.