MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Westport Times, Volume VII, Issue 1089, 15 July 1873, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Affirmative Negative.—Giles—did e'er a man ever zee sitch wet weather in all his born davs afore ? Hodge— Noah!

Alderman Kelly, the publisher, gave a very good reason for preferring deceased authors to living ones, He said that the former never kept him waiting for copy. Philosophy of the Future.—Moralist—Who knows what to-morrow will bring forth ? Positivist—the day after. A Problem.—ls it consistent for a man who professes to be a teetotaller to think no small beer of himself!

Men with Winning Ways.—Successful gamblers.

In New Hampshire, the following is posted on a fence:—" Nottis Know kow is alloud in these medders, eny men or women letten there kows run the rode, wot gets inter my meeders aforeseed shall have their tail cut orf by me, Obadiah llogcrs." A western editor says there is just enough sickness in town to ' make the physicians happy.' A Check.—Public Opinion has found somewhere the following original joke:—" The earliest mention of a banking transaction—When Pharaoh received a check on the bank of the Red Sea, which was crossed by Moses and Aaron." Was it a Pharoah Bank ? If so, why should there be A-run upon it? The Bridle Eoads.—We see a book advertised under the title of " The Bridle Eoads of Spain." We know very little about Spsin, but can inform our fair readers (we mean the ladies) that the Great Bridal Boads of England are:—St. George's, Hanovor Square, and Gretua Green. Good News for Some Folks.—An old Marquesan Chief, on being told by a missionary that in Heaven there was no war, or hungar and thirst, or sicknesss and death, replied, " that will be a good place for cowards and lazy folks, who are afraid to fight and too lazy to climb bread fruit and cocoa nut trees."

And Good Boys too : —As proof of the fact that girls are useful articles, and the world could not very well do along without them, a late writer states it as a fact that if all the girls were driven out of the world, the boys would all go out after them. The lieason Why.—A. young widow was asked why she was going to take another husband so soon after the death of the first. "0,1 a!" said she, " I do it to prevent fretting myself to death on account of dear Tom." ' What is the difference between a belle and a burglar ?—One wears false locks and the other false k«ys. Why is a washerwoman the EiOst

cruel person in the world ?—Because she daily wrings men's bosoms. Who are the most discontented of all tradesmen ?—blacksmiths j for their bellows and blows are always going, and they are striking for wages all the year round. A Bangor lover writes to a local paper to complain that, while walking home with the darling of his heart she answered his apostrophe to the fill moon by asking him what is income was.