MISCELLANEOUS.

Westport Times, Volume VI, Issue 960, 9 April 1872, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

The late Lord Justice Clerk Hope was shooting iu Ayrshire, and happened to trespass on the field of a very plain-spoken farmer; he was walking among the honest man's turnips, whereupon the farmer called upon him to turn out of that, as he had no right to be there. " Eight to be here!" said the Lord Justice Clerk, "do you know sir, who I am ?" " No," was the reply, " and, what's more, I dinna care."—" 1 am, sir," said the judge, " the Lord Justice Clerk." —" Ye maybe anybody's clerk ye like," was the retort, "but ye maun get out among my neeps !' It is related of Mrs Siddons that once, when dining at the country seat of a friend, she frightened out of his wits, a servant, who, when on the point of handing her butter, withdrew it ' quickly, saying—" Excuse me for a moment, there's a fly on the butter." To which the great actress, assuming a look and tone of intense horror, exclaimed, " A fly say ye ! How got it there ?" Th*e water of that famous mineral spring in Fairmount Park,the "Boston Post says, tastes "like damaged porkpickle, drank out of an old boot." xV lady of Newburyport, Mass., has earned with her sewing machine in twelve year?, G,015.25d015., without paying a cent for repairs. The coalfields of Western Virginia cover an area of 15,000 square miles, or abuut three times the coal area of Great Britain. Woman first tempted man to eat; but he took to drink himself. Dogs beat dentists—They insert natural teeth Smokery. —Mrs Gubbins says her husband is exactly like a tallow candle, because he always will smoke when he is going out. Mutiny on the High Seas. —O'Elaherty, mate —" Why, ye spalpeen, av ye spake another wor-rrd, I'll kick ye as dead as a herrin' ; and then av ye do it again I'll kick ye to blazes!" This is the way a Tory reporter congratulated a friend on bis marriage:— One moi-e unfortunate, Weary of life, Rashly importunate— Taken a wife. A man who had recently been fined several times in succession for getting drunk, cooly proposed to the magistrate that he should take him by the year at a reduced rate. A young fop, about starting down to New Orleans proposed to purchase a life preserver. " Oh, you'll not want it," suggested the clerk; " bags of wind won't sink." It is at the approach of dinner-time that we feel most sensibly the " emptiness of things below." An Irish editor congratulates himself that " half the lies told about him ain't truth." Swedish brandy is said to be flavoui'ed with ants. That is not so bad as to have ants flavoured with braudy. Irish Gallantry.—An Irish coachman driving past some harvest-fields during summer, addressing a smart girl engaged in shearing, exclaimed, " Arrah me darling, I wish I was in gaol for stealing ye !" Cutting it fine. —A young lady at an evening party found it appropos to use the expression, " Jordon is a hard road to travel;"" But thinking that too vulgar, substituted the following : —" Perambulating progression in pedestrian excursion along the far-famed thoroughfare of fortune, cast up by the banks of tho sparkling river of Palestine, is indeed attended with a hetrogeneous conglomeration of unforseen difficulties." A Novel Idea.—An intoxicated man saw two tramway cars passing him the other evening with red and blue lights in the front and rear. His fuddled brain at once comprehended coloured lights, and he was heard to say to himself, " Must be pretty sick — sickly here ; they are ruuning chemists' shops about on wh—wheels !" What is the difference between a fool and a looking-glass ?—One speaks without reflecting, and the other reflects without speaking.