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Westport Times, Volume V, Issue 794, 28 March 1871, Page 3

The " Detroit Tribune " says that a resident of that city observing a man whom he did not care to see coming towards his house, hurriedly instructed his servant to tell the person he was not aa home. " All right, sir," said Bridget, at she made haste to answer the door bell. "Is Mr. at home 1 ?" inquired the caller. "Faith an' he's gone out, " responded the obedient servant. " When will he be at home ?" asked the mini. " Hould on a minnit, " put in Bridget, " an I'll ax him !" Gravity, says Josh Billings, is no more positiff evidence ov wisdum than a paper collar iz ov a shirt, " Will o' the Wisp," a London comic journal, has the following:— His Koyal Highness the King of Prussia —Have you shot the Prancstireurs 1 All of them, Sire. His Koyal Highness—Have you burnt down their houses ? Von Moltke—Everywhere I could, Sire. His JRoyal Highness— And silenced the old men and children ? Yon Moltke—For ever, Sire. His Royal Highness—Then let us pray ! When the Delaware runs high in the neighbourhood of Port .Tarvis, crossing is somewhat difficult, making it especially annoying to parties living on the opposite side of the stream from the parson when matrimony is contemplated. In the early time, when Port Jarvis was a frontier settlement, and Parson Yon Benschoten minister to the reformed Dutchmen of the bailiwick, he was called upon to marry a couple under difficulties. The stream was so high and rapid that to " skiff" across was impossible. He appeared on the one bank, they upon the other—the best they could do. Amidst and over-sounding the din of waters he tied hard the nuptial knot and

pronounced them man and wife, adding*' with stentorian euphasis, as he saw them gaily ascending the hill. " 1 say ! you can leave th • money at I'awkings's." American pap&r. Five of the lady students who entertained, or whose instructors entertained for them, the mod st ambition of proving their competency to pass the ordinary Cambridge University examinations, have been examined by the Cambridge examiner for the " Little go," and the report of the examiners shows that four out of the five attained the standard required for a first-class, and the fifth that necessary for a second-class. Two of the five were examined in the additional subjects and approved. The classical examiners spoke very highly of tho classical work of all the students. It would be but natural that the ladies should graduate as wranglers. A woman's ailment—the stitch. A losing hazard —matrimony. The Board of Trade—the counter. A place for the sale of constituencies —the Borough Market. Why is a whale like a waterlily 1 — Because it comes to the surface to blow. Does a hen lay her eggs because she is impatient of the yolk.—" Will o' the Wisp" The Royal Exchange—Erom the Tuileries to Wilhelmshohe.—"Will o' the Wisp." It is useless to lock up your house, because in the morning you are sure to find the door bolted. Under the head of " Crimes and Casualties, " a rural paper mentions the fact that a rival editor has just published a book. *

" Astonishing euro for consumption," as the old lady said when she sprinkled snuff on the victuals of her boarders. The best way for a man to train up a child in the way he should go is to travel that way sometimes himself. " It's forty years, my old friend John, since we were boys together. "Isit ? Well, don't speak so loud—there's that young widow in the next room." A Western man obviated all necessity for divorce by advising his wife to light the fire with kerosene. He thinks a divorce would have been cheaper, as the stove was blown up and ruined. Boarding-house chicken soap can be made, it is said, by hanging up a ben in the sun so that her shadow shall fall into a pot of salt and water. The only trouble is that on a cloudy day the soup is liable to be weak. A iSan Francisco man saturated a rat with kerosene oil, and set it on fire, thinking he would convey certain valuable information to the other rats, and that they would leave the premises. The lire department were promptly on the ground, but could not save the house. The man says it occurred to him what a mistake he had made as soon as he saw the fire coming up through the cracks in the floor. — " Chicago Insurance Chronicle." Just as a traveller was writing his name on the register of a Leavenworth hotel, a bed-bug took its way across the page. The man paused and remarked, " I've been bled by iit. Joe fleas, bitten by Kansas City spiders, and interviewed by Fort Scott greybacks, but I'll be d —d if I was ever in a place before where the bed-bugs looked over the hotel register to see where your room was." And he sadly gathered up his baggage, and departed in search of a house where the bugs were less highly educated.

" Jedekiah did't you find courtship bliss 1" " Yes, indeed," said Jed, " but I found matrimony blister." A close-fisted Scotchman recently insisted upon being admitted into a panorama at half-price, because he had but one eye.

" Don't beat your carpets, " says a humanitarian ; " try kindness and firmness, and if that don't keep them down, send for a policeman and have them taken up." A wise master or mistress will not, on light provocation merely, fall out with a good servant; but the great difficulty is to falljn with one nowadays. I said (and was pleased with its prettiness), " The Graul is the gall of bitterness." But my T friend made answer quick, witty, "And the Bund is the bund of iniquity." Stage carpenters : Actors who saw the air, and bore the audience.