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Westport Times, Volume V, Issue 792, 23 March 1871, Page 3

A little boy was advised by his father to use illustrations in his conversation whenever they should occur to him, " for, " continued the parent, " there is no more forcible way of conveying or expressing your meaning. " Shortly after the boy was lectured on generosity. " It's better to give than to receive, Johnny—far better. The Bible says so, and I sayso. '" " Illustrate it papa, I think I will understand you better." Father could not sec the application. A Judge in a small colony had to try a prisoner on a charge of theft. The prisoner pleaded guilty, but the Judge, with that tenderness to criminals which characterises the English law, advised him to take his trial. This was done, and the jury acquitted the prisoner, on which the Judge addressed him in his sternest tones— " Prisoner at the bar, you have confessed yourself a thief, and the jury have found you a liar. Begone from my sight." An Indiana paper tells of a lawyer who charged his client ten dollars for collecting nine, but said he would not press him to pay the other dollar for a few days, if it would be more convenient to let it stand.

An impudent fellow who was fined £1 the other morning offered to toss a copper with the magistrate to see wether it should be double or quits. He got double without the toss. A gentleman having a deaf servant was advised by a friend to discharge her. " No, no," replied the gentleman, with much good feeling ; " that poor creature could never hear of another situation." Miss M , a young heiress of considerable personal attractions, chanced to be seated at a dinner party nest to a gentleman remarkable in the fashionable circles for the bailliancy of his wit, and who had long made one in the train of admirers. The conversation turning on the uncertainty of life, "I mean to insure mine," said the young lady archly,"in the Hope." "In the hope of lohat?" said her admirer ; " a single life is hardly worth insuring. I propose we should insure our lives together, and, if you have no objection, I should prefer the Alliance* 1"

A correspondent of the ' Dehli Gazette' relates a terrible scene which occurred the other day at Etawah (?) at the funeral ceremonies of a native. The corpse was brought to tbe banks of the Jumna to undergo the usual ceremony of burning. It was laid on the sand about fifteen yards from the water, while the men were preparing and stacking the wood. This done, the wood was fired so as to give some little time for a good blaze, and the men moved off a little distance, squatting themselves down to have a smoke, when a huge

crocodile, seemingly Watching their movements, rushed out of the water, seized the corpse, and doubled back, m?king a tremendous header into the river with the body between his jaws, leaving tho followers and mourneis in perfect bewilderment. There have been many definitions of a gentleman, but the prettiest and most poetic is that given by a lady : —" A gentleman, " says she," is a human being combining a woman's tenderness with a man's courage." Bad men are never supremely happy, although possessed of everything that this world can bestow ; and good men are never completely miserable, although deprived of everything the world can take away. In wonder all philosophy began ; in wonder it ends, and admiration fills up the interspace. But the first wonder is the offspring of ignorance ; the last is the parent of adoration.

True culture is kindness of feeling. For what is culture ? Is it not the power we acquire of sympathising with another, of feeling the condition under which he acts, and of regarding one's own circumstances as they affect others ? The proprietor of a forge, not remarkable for his correctness of language, but who by honest industry had realised a comfortable independence, being called on at a social meeting for a toast, gave " Success to forgery !" Some one sent to a Bijbmond paper, as original, an extract from the song of Solomon, and the editor published it "as a fair specimen of the poetical effusions which are daily thrown into our waste basket."

A man, in telling about a wonderful parrot hanging in a cage from the window of a house which he often passed said, " It cries, ' jStop that fool !' so naturally, that when I hear it I always stop." Wanted.—Wanted several fust class yung men, -with mustach, tew hang around the vestibules of different churches in amerika and stare at the females as they pass out. Yung men who understand the use of tobacco prefered. No yung man accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a military coat at twenty paces. This is a rare chance for yuug men of real genius. Salery payablo weekly. References exchanged.—' Josh Billings.' For what port is a man bound during courtship ? Bound to Havre. * 'Are you not alarmed at the approach of the King of Terrors V' said the minister to a sick man 'Ohno ! I have been living six and thirty years with the queen of terrors —the king cannot be much worse !' A Frenchman was recently bargaining for a dozen sheep. " What are you about ■? "said a friend . " I have heard say," replied Monsieur, " That if you want to make money you must buy sheep and sell deer. I shall buy de sheep and sell de venison. " A worldly dame in Wisconsin amused herself in church last Sunday by counting tho various modes of doing up the hair, and found fifty-one, not counting threo women in the poor seat whom 3he mentions as having no style.