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Westport Times, Volume IV, Issue 741, 24 November 1870, Page 2

A gentleman in Alabama, in exerting himself one day felt a sudden pain, and fearing his internal machinery had fallen out of gear, sent for a negro on his plantation, who made some pretensions to medical skill, to prescribe for him. The negro having investigated the cause, prepared and administered a dose for his patient with the utmost confidence of a speedy cure. .No relief being experienced, however, tho gentleman sent for a physician who, on arriviug, enquired of the negro what medicine he had given his master. Bob promptly gavo him as answer "Kosin and alum, sir," " "What did you give them for?" continued the doctor. " Why," replied Bob, " tho alum to draw the parts together, and dorosid to soddcr uin."

Dr Guthrie on the " Ologies " They have a great many things taught in the schools now—physiology, philology, craniology, geology ; and what the better was a girl for it all when she became a tradesman's wife ? She could not darn her stocking, she could not bake her bread, she could not boil a potato, she could not light the fire. He had often said, when he saw a servant making two or three attempts to light a fire—" My good friend, let me try and do it for you." He did not, he would have them remember, despise those ologies ; but he was for stitchology, bakeology, and boilology first. The bonnet of the Period: The following is a young lady's opinion of the bonnet of the season :—" 01), the bonnets of my girlhood—the kind I wore to school: I really thought them pretty ; I must have been a fool. And

yet I used to think myself in hats a jaunty miss. Perhaps I was, as fashion went; but what was that to this ? Oh, tho lovely little pancake—the charming little mat! It makes my head so level, and so very very flat." A sentimental gentleman intends to petition Congress to improve the channel of affection, so that henceforth the "course of true love may run smooth." A husband advertises thus : —" My wife Maria has strayed or been stolen. Whoever returns her will get his head broken. As to trusting her, anybody can do so if they see fit; for as I never pay my own debts, it's not likely I'll pay her'n." A young lady being asked by a rich old bachelor, "If not yourself, who would you rather be ?" replied sweetly and modestly "Yours truly." An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long distance in a stage during torrents of rain, the gentleman civilly said to him, " Paddy, are you * not vey wet P' " Arrah ! I don't care about being wet, but please your honor, I'm very dry." A New York writer don't like the present style of chignons—" they interfere with the pre-empted rights of a fellow's arms." A Minnesota gentleman has a libel

suit against one of his papers. It accused liim of treating his friends to drinks of whisky too small for hospitality. Little Johnny was heing catechised by his brother, who asked him what he was made of. Johnny replied: " Tou and me and papa are made of dust, and mamma and sister are made of men's wibs."

A lady was recommending a gentleman a medicine for the gout. " I know many who praise it to the skies," she said. "No doubt, madam," said he, " for it has sent many to the skies to praise it." It is a mistake to suppose that people do not grow after fifty. A gentleman on State-street yesterday, who is fully sixty-five, immediately grew very short, on being asked for the loan of 500 dols.

" Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager) : " Now, boj, what's the capital of 'Olland?" Boy: "An' H ' Sir." An attempt is being made by the Japanese authorities to put a stop to the smoking of opium among the Chinese, probably with a view to prevent its spreading among the natives. Its importation has been forbidden, and when found on any Chinaman it -will be seized and its possessor punished.