TOLD ON LAMBTON QUAY.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume XVI, Issue 5134, 19 September 1895, Page 3

TOLD ON LAMBTON QUAY.

[By The Ancient Mariner.] " And this spake on that ancient man, ITht brighUyeimamei'."—Coloridgo. Wemington Tuesday. THE TORDtMKN VRUIT. " Fools step in whore angols fear to tread," and the Seddon gang, by attempting to imposo n duty on imported fruit, have shown themselves to possess mora of the makeup of fools than anything elso. If they did not know how foolish they wero on Friday evening, they must ho aware of their folly now. The wholo country is in arms against tlio tax on fruit, and it goes' without saying, that the funny fellow who is fooling with the country's finance, will drop the fax as smartly as one drops a hot potato. What has I suggested this fruit tax to Ministers ? Is it the weather ? Spring makes us genial and happy, and Ministers nro no doubt exhilarated with the early spring. But You may talk of tho signs ol the weather, Of the coming days you may fiing, But sitting on a red-hot stove, Is the sign of an early spring. Ministers aro on the red-hot. stovo and will spring up with their nether ends scorched. I hardly like to believo that tho ®pather has affected the Government, There must be reasons for the fruit-tax. Perhaps when tho Queen of Haratonga's now famous present of oranges reached Bellamy's and was devoured by members, one or two of the Ministerial" tummies" must have turned sick and sorry with the performance, and the fax is a sort of rovenge for the uncomfortable feeling then experienced. There is another reason possibly for the tax, When our financial genius was. returning from England on board the s.s. Warrimoo, the vessel called at Fiji, and it is not unlikely that Ward treated himself to a fruit banquet, and in his eagerness may have swallowed several " undesirable immigrants," and the tax is a ' set off for the perfidy of the Fijian , fruitsellet's, There is yet another ; reason that may have induced j Ministers to attompt to stifle the ( Island fruit trade. It is within the ] bounds of possibility that some of tho women folk who claim relation- j ship with Ministers or the leading j of the Liberal Party, may | « had the strange and humiliat- ( iiig experience of one Hannah, of t whom it is recorded. 1 There was a young girl named Hannah, i Who stepped on a rotten banana, | With a very heavy thud, she sat down ] in the mud , In a very ridiculous raannnr. a sensible nun. 1 Ministers owe a duty to the conn- 1 try, and by hook or by crook, the ' finances of the Colony must he made to balance. Revenue must bo ob- ' tained, but there is no sense in put- ' ting on a duty one week and throwing '• it off next, still thefiovernmentmust 1 raise funds for carrying on the busi- ; ness of the country. Ministers, ' however, owe a duty to themselves, 1 and tho sycophant majority that usurps the name of liberal, Within fifteen months, there must, bar accidents, be a general election, and Ministers will be acting the part of statesmen, and doing their duty to 1 their many supporters in Parliament jWioy levy a tax on ill-conditioned ip-fruit, and ragged-edged halfbricks. Ministers should impose a heavy duty on these two items, in order that it may bo unprofitable to store thorn, for it must be plain to the most thick-headed individual in the community that the Liberal members i and the Liberal Government have earned the gratitude of the people, i which will find expression at the i general election in rotten eggs and I broken bricks. Ministers ami their : supporters may delight in receiving . the thanks of the public in such a : puissant manner, but to those who : cannot appreciate the goodness of i such things, it is hard that they : should be called on to staud; the i chance of receiving by mistake the 1 eg and brick reception intended for i tHe "right color." Ministers should riso to the occasion and place a fax on unsavoury eggs and dilapidated bricks; in fact the stoiage of such ■ articles in anticipation of events should bo prohibited. NECESSITY is A MOTHER. f Necessity, some crank has told us, ; he mother of invention, but tho londitioned wretch who foisted this tag upon ns could not have lived in Wellington, if he did I am sure he would have put it in another form. Necessity is the mother of the unemployed, and a very prolific old girl she is. Perhaps the climate of Wellington suits her, atanyratc each jear the crop is a bountiful one. And these babes of Mother Necessity Lave learned to look to the community for sustenance, never for a moment thinking that it would be more becoming if they shifted for themselves. The wits of the unemployed are blunt by long years of charity, and they are simply incapable of striking out for themselves. Now and again wo find exceptions, as for instance, last year a couple of enterprising young fellows bagged a few pounds by collecting the spent cartridges of the Eille Association. About three or four years ago_ a fenius seized upon the idea of selling iskets of ferus. The baskets were maido of supple-jacks uailed together, and cost a mere trifle; the ferns wore obtained at the cost of a little sweat, U the business paid. Another fSppy thought was tho collection of sea-weed and mounting sameon cardhoard. Tedious work, but very profitable. With tho bulk of the workless, there is no hope beyond pick and shovel and charity. Have wo oxhausted the channels for raising the dollars!' Let tho unemployed think the matter over' seriously, and I am sure a percentage of tbern will hit upon fin idea that will be profitable. SANDWICH DOTS. 4 Some of the more independent of »the unemployed have not hesitated to become sandwich-men, and it has been no uncommon sight in tho main thoroughfares of tho City to see two or threo men plodding along with two great boards recounting the virtues of a proprietary medicine or giving tho date of a flower-show, or football match, Sandwich-men are yory useful, but is it fair that the men should have a monopoly of the sffllwich business; cannot hoys bo uOTicd! In Sydney the lads aro turned off into the streets, and they are known all ovor the place as sandwich-boys, Those youngsters are dressed in clean white ducksuiU of a uniform character, and are in service of the Sandwich Supply Company; It is tho business of these I ittle fellows to sell the most perfect and delectable sandwiches at threepence and sixpence. At luncheon time when tho ono o'clock push" is let loose the businesi of tbmnd'

wioh-boy becomes fast and furious, Could not this schemo be applied to Wellington ? • A SCARCITY or SENSE. Common-senso is a useful commodity, but how few possess it ? To thoroughly appreciate tho value of common-sense and non-sense attend one of the debates at tho House of Representatives. I promise the listener that he will hear more stupidity and bad English squeezed into tho time-limit than he will hear anywhere else. Sometimes a joke is exploded, the joker may bo conscious or unconscious of his work; when the wit is spontaneous and fresh tho House roars with laughter. There was a pretty little scone in the House the other day, which highly amused everyone present. Mr Flatman was rattling oil' his speech, which contained some very uncomplimentary references to Scotchmen, and raised the ire of the elect of Ashburton, who is a Scotchman first and a political nonentity afterwards. The McLaughlin fired ollat Mr Flatman, anddeclared very emphatically that Mr Flatman was wanting in common-sense. Up bobbed Mr Flatman with a point of order, and indignantly asked the Speaker if the member for Ashburton was in order in attributing to him a want of common sense. Mr Guinness was in the chair, and in a genial way called upon Mr McLaughlin to withdraw the unparliamentary observation. "Well, Sir," responded Mac.," "If you rule that he has some com nonsense " . Mac. got no liiMn. ■ , the House drowned tho resi nf 1 remarks with roars of hiiii>nHenceforlh we must I l '- : man as a sort- of walking puzzle, iu,, instead of being as his name implies, a " flat," the Speaker has ruled that he has common-sense, and is not therefore a Hat. A lIURKUR SEES TOO MUCH. A few weeks ago burglars wont a burgling and several private houses were raided, but all tho stories that have appeared in the local papers do not exhaust the list of burglary yarns. Here is one which is authentic and up-to-date. A burglar found his way very cautiously and very cleverly into a bedroom but before beginning the practice of his profession he thought it would be quite in accordance with the rules of his calling if he took the bearings of his surroundings. His first move was towards the bed, (o see if the occupant of it was in the " Land of Nod." There was a man in tho bed, a big lump of a fellow,and he happeued to be very wide awake, but the burglar was not apprised of that fact, on the contrary the snoring was regular, tho eyes were closed, the bed clothes were well up to the ears of the recumbent figure, The burglar approached tho bed cautiously, his lantern showing just the faintest light, ho bent down to see —and he did see sparis. The wideawake man in the bed bided his timo and when the burglar's optics were near enough he reached out with his fat fingers aud prodded him in both eyes. While tho burglar was busy dancing a professional fandango, the bed clothes parted and six feel of humanity stepped out and fell upon theburglar. The noise that followed was like the sound of a three-year old steer lifting his hoof out of the limd. The burglar was glad to take leave of his muscular host, and has since crossed the water to seek adventures in fresh fields. NEW-! Kill TUB couxrnv. The Mar.gatainoka Valley settlers who are getting down a very large quantity of bush at the foot of the Tararua range, are to have the road made through the Gorge which will assist them greatly in getting their fencing wire, grass seed, and other farm requisites on totheir properties. A sum of £750 has been allocated for the job, but a further similar sum will be necessary to carry the road right up to the sections and application has been made to the Government for further assistance. The settlers are prepared if necessary to rate themselves in order to have this road finished. The sheep-farmersof Kaiwhata, on the East Coast, who last year, owing to the wet- season, experienced a heavy mortality with their lambs aiid a falling oif in the quality and quantity of their wool, are reported to bo enjoying brighter prospects this year. The sheep are generally healthy, the lambing has been good and the wool clip promises to be an exceptionally heavy one, In addition to this some of the farmers have realised the advantages of the fall in the price of money. The road to Karaka Bay which is their only outlet, although legalised, has not yet been made, aud it has been found that a sum of £'2so, which for the past two or three years has appeared on the Estimates for this road, has been expended, together with other mouies, in fenciu? the road known as the Kaiwhata Runs raid, which runs through Mr Chalmers' property, The Valley settlers are somewhat annoyed at the diversion of their money, and application will be made to have the vote placed on this year's Estimates. As Mr Hogg has this matter under his especial care, the settlers can reckon that they have already got the monoy, for Mr Hogg is a past master in the art of squeezing the Government, JIM, FOK SIfORI. Have you over tried the experiment of advertising: "Wanted a , hoy," if not, try it. A friend of mine - wont through the business last week, and this is how he described his sensations to me: " I wept down to , my oflico in tho morninir, itnd foe a I moment 1 felt surprised at tho num- ! her of youngsters congregated round p the door, when I thought of my i advertisement, "Wanted a boy." There must l«yc been at least } seventy lads waiting for tho job Boys with ginger-heads, cross-eyps and pug-noses, curly-headed boys smart boys and rank scrubbers. They came from all parts of the oitj f and were dressed in eyery couceivI able style. One by ono they tiled I into the office to be put tkrougl; l their facings, The stereotyped 3 questions woro asked: What is youi i name ? How old aro you t etc. The i lad I engaged is a knowing customer r What is your name ? 'James —, r lie answered, ' but in tho room yor e call me Jim, for short. Sir.' Thii 8 was practical, and Jim was engaged e Each youngster, after the interview 0 waited outside to learn the result e and when it was announced thai f Jauios had accural the job ut there was a chorus of boo-hoos ijflt s jeers, and Jim was barracked fo; s quito half* fin-hour. No mon ut 'Wanted a boy' for me, if Jin - leaves; I'il yank in the firsf; lad ii o tho street and set him to work. VUNNV FISHER 101,1. " n Areanglemneeessarily the descen " dantH of Ananias ? It is a dobiit l» able subject, but there ifl iio dotfb

), that some fishermen can be like o tombstones, He went to tho Wai-nui-o-mata on Saturday night and caught a sprat about this size: | . 1 0 on his way homo ho took it out of his basket several times and gazed ( | fondly at it. How big it looked! j: What a beauty ? It was so long: I ■ •4 i : j Next di.y he met his friends: " Well , [. chappie, what did you catch?" "Oh, . 3 a beauty about this sixo": j : !i ; I; j Another angler arrives upon the scene:" Woll old chap, what did you „ do with that sprat you caught yes- , fterday." Tableau. ! Some very good catches were, , however, made at the Wainui-o- ---' mnfa on Saturday. Mr Worry landed 15 fish, Mr J. Esam Smith f caught-27, and Mr White 12, all in j good condition and taken with Hies, .