HOW MY LIFE WAS TAKEN.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume XII, Issue 3853, 9 July 1891, Page 2

HOW MY LIFE WAS TAKEN.

(By the ' Mailman.' ix N. Z. Mail )

There is not one man in a hundred who is able to state, with any degree of truth, that he has not been importuned, at some time or another, to insure his life, and having the follies of this world, ard the "lory of dying,—your pillows smoothed with life insurance policies—held up to your view by men whose whole tusiness seemed to be to make you miserable and unhappy, and discontented during the short time you are to inhabit this sublunary sphere. I had not met many of these men, and had registered a solemn vow to hasten the departure of the next one who assailed me on the life insurance subject to the land where the weary are at rest.

The last one that I remember having encountered wore an old white hat that had done many a days' duty in fishing time, and even now had several yards of catgut twisted around it, and a few feather-duster flies specked over it here and there. He had a handkerchief that smelt strongly of snuff, and a breath that smelt ol onions, a breath that scorched you like a withering simoon, and a nose that vied in colour with the light over a druggists' shop. He used to wajlay me in tho street, call at inconvenient times, and fire a bundle of statistics at me to prove that my chances of seeing next week, and the circus, were very small, aud it behoved me, like a prudent man, to make some provision for my family. In vain 1 assured him that the only responsibility I had ia this world whs a cat, and was not bowed down with sorrow at the thoughts of its being left alone in the world. it was no use : he used to rattle on, quite heedless of his nose, which required a deal of attention—and didn't got it—and plague me with his sorrowful attentions. Another one whom I used to meet—he is dead now—used to try his hand at filching premiums from me; used to Uke my very vitals out. He brought Biblical history to his aid, and assured me Joseph was the first man who successfully ran an insurance office, down in a place called Egypt, during seven years of great plenty, and some years after St, Paul advocated the system to a great extent.

It was no use telling him that I didn't want to insure my life. He would persist I in telling me numerous stories of people who had insured and then dying peacefully, lifted their families from a state of indigence to princely prosperity ; but he never succeeded in getting anything out of me, unless it was my agreeing with hiir on the state of the weather, for he ne/er by any possible chance failed to remark the statp of the atmosphere. He is dead now, and I unhesitatingly say that I am glad of it. But the latest thing in life agents is a yery different specimen in humanity, well dressed, of good address, entertaining, full of anecdote, and appears to have been favoured by Fortune with all that goes to make life happy, and the possessor of the most winning smile it has been my lot to behold. I met this gentleman in the railway train, and after admiring the scenery and abusing the management, lie handed me a neat card on which was engraved,' Mr Patrick Gill, Alutual Life Association.' Not that I wish to bother you about insurance, he quickly interposed. lam taking a holiday for a few weeks, and do not intend doing any business. Please forget lam an insurance agent. I did try to forget the subject, but he was so beastly agreeable, and had such a fund of information on every subject, that, in spite of myself, I could not help liking him. Oe knew the price of sheep, tho best breed to keep, the freight on frozen meat, the latest scandal about the Ministry, who was to bo retrenched in this or that office, how many banquets Dick Scddon had attended, ifcc, &o, tint from trying to be indifferent, I became quite interested in him. " How do you manage to do business nowadays in the face of such keen competition that exists'?'' 1 asked. "My dear Mr Mailman, if you will allow me, I will show you a few points on our new table, A.R, which our officers have introduced into this Colony, and no one who studies this matter, fails to ako out a policy with us." This in his isual happy manner, and with his sweetest smile.

'Suppose, now,' said he, 'you take a policy for £IOOO under Table A.lt., for which you pay the small sum of thirtyfive pounds, three and four, and on attaining the age of say, sixty, you secure the following benefits : Firstly—A refund ot all the premiums you havi paid in, and the to continue your policy at the original rate of thirty five three and four per annum with all profits added, or payable in cash as you prefer, or you can draw the whole of the premiums paid in together with the full surrender value of your policy and the accrued cash bonus, or, continued my friend, you can take a paid up policy for one thousand pounds (payable at death;, and have an annuity for life of £l2O per annum, paid with that undeyiating punctuality that is one cf the chief characteristics of our office, and one that has done much to make it popular. Of ourse, if you were to die at any moment after taking, out your policy, the money would be paid to your representative. Thiuk, now, my dear sir, how your friends and relations would yie one with another to secure your good wishes. How they would plan little surprises for you, study your comfort, anticipate your wishes and fear vour frown.

I telt much impiessed with what the agent told me, and decided to think the matter over ; when I went to bod I did think over it; in fact, atter a heayy and late supper, I dreamt about it. Thought I saw a cash bonus riding an A.R. chestnut policy for a £IOOO All Profit Stakes Race; thought the race was disputed and run over again, and A.R. won each time.

Then 1 thought I saw that worm eaten, red nosed, individual, with tho snufl'y handkercheif (mentioned in the beginning of this article), trymy to clamber out ,of that place, the existence of which is denied by Robert Ingersoll, in order to start afresh with an A.R. policy. The breakfast bell aroused me just as I was softly dreaming that a fairy was hovering over my bed with a golden harp in one hand and an A.R. policy in the other,

It was no u?e, I must have ono of these policies, and hunting up the acent, went with him to a doctor, who, after asking me a tiushel of questions, declared that 1 was a fit and proper subject for life assurance, and advised his directors to accept me as a' Select Risk.' 1 paid the afent thirty-five, three and four, and in return received a. policy for £IOOO, \uth all the benefits before named included in it. *

I had intended to keep this thing a secret, but somehow it leaked out, and not a week passes but I have some friend sending to me to come and spend a few days or weeks. Two old maiden aunts, who did not speak to me for years send me small presents in the shape of slippers. Relations I have never heard of in my life have found me out, and it costs me nuthi™ t0 K° though this world (except the annual ui;rt)'*hve, three four). lam invited everywhere, have fish twice a week, and bottled beer on Sundays. Young ladies stop to talk to me and ask my opinion about the new play, and never once allude to my touch of rheumatism. 1 feel that I have at last done one good action in my life. 1 have made many people happy. lam happy myself, and should this meet the eye of one who staggers along through this weary world of sin and stale butter withuut an A.R. i> »Hcy, let him at onco seek out my friend the agent.