WIT AND HUMOR.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume XI, Issue 3613, 13 September 1890, Page 2

WIT AND HUMOR.

k country burying, ground'lias over its entrance gate the following notice; " Only the dead who livo in this distal are buried here," A metropolitan journal has editorial article, Common Sense in Politios." This is. surely a', new party. A man who went fishing in a private pond in a suburban town, complains that he only got one bite, ' and that was from a dog whops master owned th'o pond.

It is said that the man who won't take a paper because he pan borrow one, has invented a machine by wbioli he can cook his dinner by the smoke of his neighbour's ohimney« Mr Irving, being asked what li4l was going to do with his eon—the young man's profession is to be that of an architect—" Why," answered the comedian," .he iB going to draw houses, like his father," '

One of our sextons, in making liis report of burials, is explicit to the , most commendable degree. For instance, such entries as tliis occur: "Died, John-Smith, male, aged three days, unmarried," " Your handwriting isvery bad," - said a .gentleman once to a publio official. "Y9S," lie replied,.;." but 'don't you see if I wereM write better, . people would find out how poorlyjL, spell." J* & letter has -been received,in the past week from a Manchester man who went to Australia twelve, years ago to better himself, He reached therewith loss than a sovereign in his pocket, and now he has a wife and four children. " What is the matter with the baby?" asked a lady of a little girl, whose baby brother she understood to bo ailing, " Oh, nothin' much," was the answer; "he's only batohin' teeth." A young gentleman in St. HolerisV sent half-a-orown to London for a method of writing without pen or ink. He received the following inscription on a card: ."Write with a .... pencil." For Mr Bmitb.—" Ib Mr Smith in?" asked an Irish messenger. "No," was the reply; will you leave your name?" " Ooh murther!" replied Pat ; 11 Do you think I'd be afther going home without sty name?"

" Ho was one of our most energetio trustees," says a village paper in an obituary notice," and we trusteed happy." ■ Shopkeeper:" 'Arf pound .of tea, men ? "Whioh will you haya to-day, mora, blaok or green?" Female: Black, please; it's for b, funeral,"

A St. Helens man \tlio had seven homely daughters got a paper to hint that he had seven kegs filled with gold in his cellar, and every girl was married in five months,

The Bißhop of Southwell—Dr Bidding—when he wbb Head Master of Winchester, once used this romarkablo expression in a sermon to his boys; "I feel a feeling'whioh I feel you all foel," Woolly Western Opera.—The Manager (holding a pair of revolvers and with a moat ferocious aspect): 11 I'm naterally a mild man an' bard' t' 'rouse, but th' nex* son-of-a-gun that ohuoks a peanut inter thi cantatriee's mouth iB goin' to be pet target?" ■ . .

' Proud mother: "I see, Herbal;' B.P.G several times occurring amongst your expenses. I'm glad to find yoa can spare something occasionally for that : excellent socwty." Schoolboy! "It's not exactly that, Mummy,. It stands for sundries—probably grub," Two Harvard youths, making a pedestrian tour in tb-flpottish Highlands, were in the habit'of stopping at small faim-housea and asking for milk, the charge for which was invariably a penny a glass. Calling one Sunday at a romantio-looking cottage in beautiful Glen and though . the milk was supplied the proffered ' twopence was refused, with a solemn admonition as to.tlie impropriety, of saoh doings on eucli a day, TUfl collegians were, turning away with a courteous word of thanks, when the .woman made lier .meaning dear, i" Na'nif she tried,; " I'll no' tab 1 less than saxpenco for. br'akin' the Sawboth?" ~ • Justice Draco: "Why did you. Ibeat your- neighbor's dog cause his children called.me names, threw stones at ma, and broke two of my windows," Jusfcice Draco; But the poor 4og ha'd nothing to c|(j .with all this?" Hardened offender (whq is not so foolish as he is bad), 'f No, : your Honor, the dog waaa't in it at : all { I just beat- him to break' man. He is a'member oi the Societyfor the prevention of oruelty to animals; lie wouldn't notico it if I had scalped his children, biii h« jajfj '

&%:-v rj M w: ; awake and ouedall uiglit when, tliey ' told bim I'd bit the dog with a olote'-prop. I'll make that man manage hs family bolter or' I'll break his heart.",. '... Clara (meditatively): "How can I be quito certain that Augustus loves me for my health alone? Ha I A sudden thought strikes, mo. Augustus 1" Augustus - (tenderly): "My own I" Clara: "Betweeij two who '■ love theto sHoutd be perfect frankness, Bhould there not ?" Augustus: "My angel, a thousand timeß, yes I (Aside) What the deuce does Bhe want to know?" Clara (slowly)i "Then ... listen,My bair ;grew upon other my teeth are tho best . money could buy. My eyebrows are false, my lips are painted, my cheeks rouged, and my dressmaker makes me as well as my dresses. Say, Augustus can you lovo me after these dis* ... , . closures?'' Augustus (faintly): "I—----s I can!" Clara (lotto voce):" Yo gods how deeply in debi must this young man be I"