Wit and Wisdom.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume VIII, Issue 2296, 15 May 1886, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Wisdom.

" Wal, Jefferson, I guess you are tolerable late nor you used to was," said an engine driver on a Yankee railway, who had been waiting at the junction a good while for the train that had just arrived under the charge of Jefferson. " Wal," replied Jefferson, wiping his perspiring face with a handful of cotton waste. '' I reckon we are behind a considerable scarce, but that (lout raise me, no how ; it's getting along here any time astonishes me a several—it does." '' Been a smash f inquired the first speaker, chewing slowly. "I expect not," returned Jefferson, " but well n ; gh one. Why, ye see, down away it whs darned hot, and the rails was expanding so much, that the, way was not only drawn out dreadful, but, what was worse, they had not room to stretch quite, and was also raised and humped up, it's just been as worse as if I had come the whole road entile over two tall i'owb of tarnation camel's backs!" " Wal, 1 enle'late that was 'noying a few," returned the listener, '• but one day bringing up my ingine it was hot! I reckon the rail was feverish a chalk or two that tirao. I put full steam up, shut safety valves, slacked brako off, right away, and we walked ahead ! we did. But only just in time, for we looked back and saw the rails crawling about like live snakes, and running over the banks to cool thomselven in the water I" Jefferson went off to oil his engine. Lord Berkeley was once dining with Lord Chesterfield, the pink of politeness, in a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley was a plain,' blunt John Bull, and had, whether by des : gn or accident lam not told, shot one or two gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said—- " Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper 1" " N'ot since you hanged your tutor, my lord !" was the reply. You ktow that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged.

One evening, during Mr West's illness, he was returning in a most exhausted state, towards the Birkenhead Ferry. There was no conveyance near, and lie felt almost unable to hold on his way. At length he heard the noise of an approaching vehicle, which, in the darkness, seemed something like an omnibus, The driver pulled up and hailed him : " Will you have a ride sir 1" "Yes." He at once dismounted, opened the door, and kchdhira in. There was no lighr, hut Mr West fancied the " bus" looked rather dingy and queer. At length it stopped near to tile ferry, and, on Mr West getting out and offering the fare, the mystery was explained, He had been accommodated with a seat in a prison van ; and the driver, a ■ Wesleyan, said, " There is nothing to pay, sir; I saw who you were, and that you were looking very exhausted, and therefore I pulled up, and offered you a ride in one of Her Majesty's carriages." On one occasion, when interrupted by scoffers, Dr. Peter descended from his pulpit, and seized a notorious leader of them. The man bad never been mastered in fight, but the'preacher shook him until the border ruffian, for such he was, was completely subdued. Dr Peter then grneped him by the neck, made him kneel down and ropeat aloud a prayer for mercy, and then the preaoher, while his opponents and the crowd were stricken with wonder, resumed his station, and preached on without further disturbance. The following is from a recent number of Truth;—" If there were an Irish Parliament what would probably occur would be this. The present Parliamentary leaders would have a majority, and wo«ld become the Irish Ministry They are sensible and practical men, and the sense v of responsibUifcy wuld soon comply 'tKeir

would ba no confiscations, no unjus legislations towards minorities; the land question would be settled by some- Bort of compromise between the renteea, and the Irish ministers would have to steer,. between the Orangemen on one side:mU any extremist that would bo roturneAsi the other Bide. These extremists would be few in number, because the rich are by no means extreme in their view?, As for Separatists, which bait could they offer to catch votes? Separation would bo as dead as it isnow'among the inhabitant* of the AmeriolM Union. has really taken root in Ireland, and we would soon havft tho. Irish as proud of forming an integral part of the ompira as is Canada or Australia. What renders it difficult to settle this Irish question it thegrossignorance of most Englishmen respecting everything Irish. They take their ideas, of the country from the interested inventions which are sent over to them by correspondents—official'' and amateur-of the English newspapers."

A colonial at Pariß went to a restaurant . to net his dinner. Unacquainted with the French language, yet unwilling to show his ignorance, he pointed to tho first line - on the bill of fare, and the polite waiter . brought him a plate of fragrant beefaoup, . This was very well, arid when it was (ksk patched he pointed to second line. . A lSߣ' waiter understood him perfectly, and brough him vegetablo soup. "Rather more soup than I want," thought he: "but it is Paris .fashion." Ho duly pointed to a third line, and a plate of tapioca broth was brqught him; again to the fourth, and. was furnished with a bowl of preparation of arrow-root. He tried the fifth hnej'and was supplied ..,' with some gruel kept for invalids. The bystanders now supposed that they saw an unfortunate individual who had lust all

his teeth, and our friend, determined' to get as far from the soup as possible; puiiiiud In despair to the last line on the bill of fare. The intelligent waiter, who saw at once what he wanted, politely handed him— a .buncli of toothpicks. ■ This was too much; our countryman paid his bill and incontinently left, A rjval of tho terrible Blue Beard of nursery tale celebrity lias just died in America.. His name was Maccabe, his calling a farmer. His special delight being, apparently, to marry and poison successive wives. His first, his second, and his third having died under suspicious circumstances, he was arrested and placed on his trial, when his fourth went to join her predecessors. He was nevertheless acquitted of the charge of murder for want of sufficient proof against jam. Singular to say, this found another woman willing bffiffl him, but she observed him closely? and escaped in consequence the fate intended for her. Noticinp, on. a certain day, that her villainous consort threw a sub-picious-looking powder into her cap of coffee, the fifth Mrs Maccabe cleverly contrived to change cups with her admirable husband without the latter remarking the little operation. So he died a few hours later instead of his wife, to whom in his last moments ho confessed the truth— namely, that her four predecessors had been poisoned by his hand* The editors of popular magazine ara constantly in'receipt of curious "letters. ■ Hero is one of them sonfc to the editor of Harper's the other day .It, was from a lady who wroto that she was dying, and that her physicians told her she would bo dead before the conclusion of Mr iHowolls' story "Indian Summer," then running in the Monthly.' She was very much interested in it; and did not want to die until she knewho.v it was going to end. and she begged the editor to let her read the advance sheets that she might die happy. People would not credit this story, illustrating the business aptitude of the gentle sex, if it did not come from a church member :-A young wife at tho East, wk lost her husband by death tho sad tidings to her father in Chicago' in these succinct words:—Dear John died this morning at ten. Losb fully covered by insurance. The enquiry into tho peculiar murder caao at Pimlico, resulted in the following verdict bein? returned:—" The jury are of opinion that the deceased, Edwin Thomas Bartlett, died from chloroform administered by his wife, Adelaide Bartlett, for the purpose of taking his lifo, and that the Rev Georgo Dyson was an accessory before the fact." The Coroner said this was a verdict of" Wilful Murder" against both Mrs Bartlett and Mr Dyson. A very palnfu scene took placo in the crowded Court on the vsrdict bolng dolircvod. Tho Rev, Mr Dyson sank into a chair almost fainting, and criod, his Wesleyan friends, particularly several ministers, standing round in a sad and symp&thiu manner. After a lapse of a few minutes Mr Dyson became calmor, and he was taken into custody. A gentleman was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particlar, visits him twice a-year, and stays six month* each time. The member for Waipawa—or " wßpara" as he will have it—("Argus" remarks in the Hawke's Bay Tlerald)—used once to be in accord with Mr Montgomery on the Customs duties. Mr Smith was then fond of coming the pathetic dodge about the way the working man was swindled by the Customs, and he used to narrate how the wicked Tories of New Zealand had gradually increased the duties from 7£ per cent, in order to shift taxation from their backs to tho shoulders of the massPß. I.remember hearing him at one meeting retail approvingly a calculation which Mr Montgomery had made, showing that a laborer with wife and family was bound to contribute from £25 to £3O yearly in Customs duties, and then followed a bittor denunciation of duties, and an advocacy of direct taxes. The denunciation was rambling in method, and vory ungramatically expressed, but It was forcible in spite of these defects because based upon truth. But hen I presto, and tho most complete choppy-**-changey stultification found favor with/Hie Great Smith, and he was found slavishly supporting the present crowd of brazen incompetents, and their philanthropic attempts to increaso tho Custoirit'-duties. Bah! Carry him out. . The Liverpool Weekly Courier, of November ,21st, Bays :-Four missionariei and 5200 gallons of rum left by the same Bhip to interview the Native African, yk don't stteW lus mgse ots? froa* ; both.'' 1 •■