TIT BITS.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume VIII, Issue 2245, 16 March 1886, Page 2

TIT BITS.

Drinking oxcuses are bo numerousihaj we can only mention the most/im&sfiil ones:— ' , 'l*',? (1) The Atmospheric Excuse: Thundor in tlie air—a nasty fog coming .on—that trying east wind—going to keep out the night air. (2) The Medicinal Excuse: Don't feel right, somehow—a nasty cold coming on—influenza • .flying about-my old friend, rheumatism, going t.o favor me-to get an appitite~to help digestion—Cholera. (3) The, Friendly Excuse : On meeting a friend— ! onpatting, with a friend—absent friends—the friendji around us the ladies, and, in; extreme cases, the Royal Family. (4) The Miscellaneous Excuse: Had salt fish for breakfast—ditto, ditto, meat for dinner —going to have Bait meat for supperwater not fit to drink—saw a man nearly run oyer. _ An old American farmer, about the time the temperance reform was beginning to exert a healthful influence in the country, said to his newly-hired man—'"Jonathan, I did not think to mention to you, when I hired you, that I think of crying to do my work this year without rum. How much more must I give you to do without?" " Oh, (said Jonathan), I don't care much about it; you may give mo what you please."—" Well, (said the farmer), I will give you a sheep in autumn if you do without."—" Agreed, Jonathan- The eldest son then ®ld, " Father, will you give me a sheep ill do without rum?" ''Yes, Marshall, you shall have a sheep if you do without," The youngest son, a stripling, then said, " Father,' will you give me a sheep if I do without?"-"Yes, Chandler, you shall' have a Bheep also if you do without rum." Presently Chandler speaks again—- " Father, han't you better take a sheeD too?" This was a poser?; He hardly thought that he could give' up'tlie 11 good creature" yet, but the appeal was from a source not to be easily disregarded. Tho result was, tho demon was henceforth banished from the premises, to the great joy and ultimate happiness of all concerned.

A fov years ago, when teetotalism was drying distilleries faster than ever drunkenness did, and when temperance lectures were casting alcoholic spirits out of swine in all directions, one of these exorcists, laboring in season and out of season, encountered a shrewd north country mechanic, who had just taken his seat by the former on Her Majesty's mail. The ordinary logic of blue-ruin and forthcoming rags was plied by tho teetotaller, evidently in vain; whan, collecting all. his force for a crovJftg effort, he observed—" We lay it doraaa a principle, that even the brute beasts, destitute as they are of reason' and conscience, will fake nothing in excess, or which is detrimental to their constitution." " I beg your pardon," replied ts\ mechanic, " but I cannot help thinking that you are Bomewhat unfortunate in your premises, for lam just on the way to purchase a cow to replace one of mine which split herself upon eloVer yesterday." The bitter cup overpowered the reason of the teetotaller. A certain deacon who was a zealous advocate for tho cause of temperance, some year since, one hot summers day, employed a carpenter to make somoalterations in his parlour. In repairing a corner near the fireplace it was found necessary to remove the wainscot; when lo la •' mare's nest" was brought to light, which astonished the workman most marvelously, A brace of decanters, sundry junk bottles—all containing " something to take"—a pitcher tumblers, were cosily reposing there ii\ snug quarters. The joiner, with wonderstricken countenance, tan to the jta , prietor with the intelligence.—" j declaro," exolairaed the deacon, " that in curious, sure enough, It must be that old Captain B~ left those tilings there when no occupied thoso premises thirty years since.' "Perhaps" he did," #' turned tho discoverer: "but deacon, tl*b ice in the pitcher must have been well frozen to lmvo remained solid so long." A speaker at an anti-teetotal meeting, held at New York, about three weeks since, showed almost as much enthusiasm as a teototal lecturer himself" Now," he said, "I have some knowledge of crime mysolf—(laughter)—having mixed up with it for a long time. Now, you cannot point me out a prominent criminal that over lived, who was an intemperate man. Look to your George Howells, and your Jack Roches, and your Slappays, and your English Dick, Do you see thesij men attached to liquor? No (Great laughter and loud appjuuse.Huok at your burglars, # railway thievosyour Jim Webb, and your other famous criminals in your state prison. Are they intemperate mon ? (a way from the gallery bawls out" No sir-ree," Hoars of laughter,) Therefore I say that when a police officer undertakes to stamp out the crime that belongs to this city, and to lay it M tho head of intemperance, he stabs tW city in its most tender point. (Laughter and loud applause,) I ask if' you ever knew a great genius who didn't take a little toddy ? You cannot tell any iAy that ever presented a rich thought™ poetry, philosophy, science, or religion -- roars of laughter—who didn't take his toddy."