THE SPOOPENDYKE A SOLEMN CONVERSATION.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 6, Issue 1705, 7 June 1884, Page 4

THE SPOOPENDYKE A SOLEMN CONVERSATION.

"llyilftir," H.-iil Ttii Suoopemlyke, turning in hij cluir, and contemplating bis vi'o wi:h a vcMiin expression on his visage, '' My d.<tir wlult wmild you do if I wove suddenly called away to tho ant/cls ?" " Wood gracious!" exclaimed Mrs Spcopondyko,. dropping 1m scissors and looking up with a joiU ; " what put, that ideaintoyour head?" " Don't, you think they are liable to como fishing after mo as any ono else ?'• demanded Afr ijpooprnd.s K silting up straightanl his hair ominouly. "P'raps you've got some kind of a notion that the rest of ilio world have a corner on this angel business, mid that I'm slioit on 8 vis ns; market, What I asked was, what \yo.ml yon do if I should ho called homo without any p rticular cmount of warning ?" •' You needn't be afraid of that," smiled Mrs Spooi oodyke. "It is a g<eat deal more likely that I will go before you do. Why, youaregrol for forty years yet, ami you .know that lam not Very strong." " Got it all fixed, haven't you ?'' remonstratol MrS„ straightening bolt .upright, and glaring at bis fpinso, " been making all the arrangements for a disso'uiion of this family with out consulting anybody, haven't yo? I tell ye no man knotveth when the list mrasly hour como'h, and if you think your candle has got any longer wick than mino, you're a way nil your nut, you hear!" Yos doir," mirmured Mrs Spoopendyko, soothingly '■ If you should die, dear, I think it would kill me," "Now you're talking," grinned Mr Spoopendyke, somewhat mollift'od by fiis concession on tho part of his wife. " You know tho lest of us is liable to go any minute, and you [can't tell when 1 am likely to be |scooped up, Think you'd cry much ?" and Mr Spoopondyko folded his arms and assumed an aspect of great resignation as if he had already heard the 1 ells ringim; for iiiru. " Why of course," npbed fun Spoopuidjkc, rather puzzled bv tho drift of the conversation, "I Bliould try to think that you wew better off, but it would be natural for mo to shed tears" "Just so," grunted Mr Spoopendyke, " And if the natural tears didn't hold out, I suppose you'd chuck in a few artificial ones rather than not keep up your end of the stick 1 What makes- you think I'd bo belter off 1" ho continued, as lie caught the full force o£ tho reflection that (here m : ght be Rome consolation for his widow in tho faith that he hid done a clever thing by dyin,'. "Ro glad, wouldn't yon, to see nic launched into tho grave lik-j n fence post I Be a great deal of comb rt to you to know that you wouldn't never see me aeain, or hear my voice any more ?" and hire Mr Spoopendyke broke down under his emotion, and covered his faco with his hands. Don't you ieel well, dear?" cskel Mis Spoopendyke, timidly. " Let mo make you a cup of ton, and you will soon gat over your bad feelings." . "Never mind," whispered Mrs Spoopcndyke, in a broken voice. '■ I suppose you'd get the most expensive mourning you could find, and have it made up as becoming as the lifo insim.nco wuld permit, wouldn't you ?" " Certainly, deur, if you wish it," absented Mrs dyke. " Only 1 don't think I could have it rcidy in time for tho funeral. I could borrow a black dress until mine was done, but—" " iid I suppose you could hire Bomo giit'f to help you through the a'lotted period of bereavement, couldn't you ?" hissed Air Spoopomlyke, forgetting that bo was th'vretical'y dea l, and bouncing of! his chair, " There wouldn't bo timi to get on all the? flouncts and ruffles between my death and burial, and you'd nave to rent appropriate expressions of profound melancholy ? I? that tho way you want to he understood ? Couldn't go to my funeral unless you could outshine all the other widows in our set! That the idea yoti want to convey 5 That all the consolation you want to pervade my last hour with?' 1 "No, my dear," cooed Mrs Spoopendyke, somewlmt at a loss to express herself, " What would you like to have me do ?'' "Do 1" roared Mr Spoopendyko who had expected tlw prospective widow to burst into tears ..t tlio suggestion of his demise. " What do loxpect you to do? Go fishing! When tho trump of Immortality sounds for Spoopendyke, and he replies, 1 Lord, the remains are prepared tor tha aaerifioo 1' I expect you to get a lot of old bens together and have a candy pull ] Understand it now ? Does that dyint; request convey to yoiu mind any intelligent idea of tho last wishes of tho defunct? Think you could carry out that bequest without getting the molasses all over the corps J" " Yes dear," sighed Mrs Spoopcndyke, struggling to keep the tears ba;k, as in her imagination she conjured up the vision of Mr Spoopendyke laying in his coffin with bis poor face all stuck up with treackle- " Only I wouldn't like a lire in the house when you were dead, because it would bo so hot for the mourners, aud, you know, a corpse ought to bo kept as cool as paatible in this warm weather," '• Stf it ought, Imdu't it f" yelled Mr Hpoopendyke, rather startled by I lie practical saggesstiou that ho might not keep long in a warm house. '• And the mourners ought to be comfortab'e if they are going to enj.iy Ihe proceedings?" ho continued, remembering that in the enumeration of the reasons fur not building a fire the feelings of the bereaved were consulted before the effect of the late lamented, "That busts that scheme, No candy pull over the remains of Spoop. ndvke I Can't you think of something else ? I say," lio howled, as a new and particularly biigut idea struck him, "you might have a guno w' 1 Aunt Sally' with nit,! Set me up in a cori er aud throw sticks at me, and then you could have in some ico cream for tho mourners I That would keep all hands c;ol, and bust the kind sights of any funeial thai ever came off in these parte I How doe= that strike you ? Think you could manage to put up with my losj on a racket of that kind ?" and Mr Spoopendyke put his hand to his ear, as if anxious not to lose a word of his wife's reply to this sensible proposition. " Wouldn't you rather have me get some flowers, dear, and fill your poor coffin with fragrance!"" asked ' Mrs Spoopendyke looking up to him affectionately, '"No! 1 , roared Mr Spoopendyke, as the grim aspect of crosses, wreathes, and anchors in tuber roses presented itself, to him. '' I don'twant any measlyflowera. Think I'm going to lie still in a box while a lot of old women, beaded by a prancing widow in a bonowed dress, march past and shy vegetables at mo! Think I'm an opera Binger to hoist up in my coffin and bow ovci y time a measly idiot fires a dandelion at mo, and havo soma one in the back end of the church yoll' Speech!' That your notion of a funeral With your ideas about death all you want is a pair of silver handles and an autopßy to bo a railroad accideut!" and with this complicated illustration of liii wife's views of immortality, Mr Spoopendyke (dammed the door after him and went to'the races. "I don't care," murmured Mrs Spoopendyke, as' ho departed. '• I don't care. At all th) funerals 1 have attended they have flowers, aud if wo don't have some when my poor husband dies, they'll say we didn't have any friends or money, Any itay, I hope he won't dio before I do, and then hell know what trouble it is to bunt up his own things, and what it is to be witaout any one to put them away for him," and widi tbii sentiment Mi'b Spoopcndyke put her husband's razor strap behind the clock, and his pipe into tho snoe bag, aud then sat dov/n to wonder how she would look in inourniug if she should ever ho "driven to tho pinch,"