SPOOPENDYKE ON CANOPENING.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 5, Issue 1478, 8 September 1883, Page 4

SPOOPENDYKE ON CANOPENING.

"Look hear, my dear," said Mr Spoopendykc, tossing over the laces and ribbons in his wife's lmreaudraweiw. " what's become of the ca;: opener'! 1 don't see it anywhere." 11 What do you want of ill" asked Mrs Spooper.'l.'.e, fluttering up In protect her trinkets, and trying to gain ft little time. " I want to open somo sardines with it-," retorted Mr Spoopendykc, abandoning the drawer and limiting through tho work basket. " Think 1 want to comb my hair with it 1 Imagine I wanted to write a letter with it? Well. I don't. 1 want some sardines. What have jou done with it 1" "You might tako your big knife," recommended Mrs Spoopendykc. "The, large blade is just the thing for that.' Mr Spoopendyko seized the knife and bored away on one corner of the box, while his wife looked on with considerable distress. " Hadn't you bettor put a paper under the box] You'll get the oil all over the table cloth," suggested Mrs Spoopendykc,... "No I won't either," said Mr Spoopendyke, as the knife plunged through an.l the oil spattered. " Serve you right if I did," lie continued, ploughing away at the tin, while the grease flew in all directions. " ;t would teach you to put the canopener where you could find it, What kind of housekeeping do you call this, anyhow f he yelled, as the blade slipped out and closed upon his fingers. "Did you liuit yourself dear!" asked Mrs Spoopendykc, anxiously, "No, I didn't hurt myself," grinned Mr Spoopendyke, "The confounded" knife struck the bone, or 1 would have been dead with agony an hour ago. Give me some ether," ho howled. "Fetch me some chloroform I S'pose I'm going to saw at this box any more without an ai,aesthetic 1 Got an idea I'm going to chip off a couple dozen fingers without something to deaden ihepainl Where's the laughing gas 1 Give me some laughing gas while 1 2O 0 . extract these measly old fish." And Mr Spoopendyke pranced around the rooai, and then jabbed the knife into the box again, and ripped away as though he was run by steam. "No uso to hide away from me!" he yelled, hacking at the box with all his might. " 1 know you're in there, and there can't any sardine that ever was built get away from me. Gome out, I tel ye!" and he seized a fish by tho tail and slung him across the room, "You're transacting business with Spoopendvkc now !" and he clawed out a liandfHl of mashed sardines and slapp.d them down on a plate. " Won't you spoil 'em, dear!" asked Mrs Spoopendyke, dodging the flying heads and tails, " They won't be very gojd if yon serve 'em that way," " Oh, won't they ]" howled Mr Spoopendyke, "Ifyou don't like 'em that way, wliy'd you ask for 'em? Maybe yon wan't me to take'm out in a baby carriage, P'raps you've got an idea 1 ought to climb under 'em and Itft them out Maybe you want me to get into that box with a boat and take 'em out with a seine, Well, I won't I tell ye. Give me the tongs; I want that fish at the bottom. Where's the tongs) Gone to get married to the canopener, haven't they 1" and Spoopendyke grabbed anothei M and fired him into the grate. "Be patient my dear," said Mrs Spaopsiulyke, soothingly. "Make the opening a little wider, and tliey'lll come out,"

"Ain't I patient 1" shouted Mi SpjOpendyke, ''P'raps you want mo to sing to 'em, ' I wish I was nil angel and with the—' Con-found tho fish! Come out of that!" and with a wrench Mr Spoopendyke hauled oil' the top, and disclosed the remains of his enemies. " Now give me a lemon," and he eyed the repast with anything but contentment, "Stir around and get me a lemon: quick now." " t r [)on my word my dear, I don't believe there is a lemon in the house," stammered Mrs Spoopendyke. " I had cne " "Oh, you had one 1" proclaimed Mr Spoopendyke, "only you're just out. If you'd been brought up right, you'd only licod an awning and a family on the top floor to be a grocery shop ! S'pose I'm going to eat these sardines raw 1 Think I'm going to swallow these fish alive] Gimme something to put on 'em will ye 1" i "What would you like, my dearT' queried Mrs Spoopendyke. " luk 1 Fetch me some measly ink ! Got any nails] Can't ye find some laudanum somewhere 1 and Mr Spoopendyke pranced out with a bottle of arnica. " There." ho howled us he dashed the contents over the sardines, " there's your fish all ready for you, and the next time you want me to open the things you have a lemon will ye I Find the can-opener won't ye?" and Mr Spoopendyke flopped into his easy chair and picked up the paper. " Don't you want some of tho fish]" asked 'Mrs Spoopendyke after a long pause." " No, I don't," growled Mr Spoopendyke. " But this is a fresh box,,' said Mrs Spuopendyke, displaying the surdities in neat layers. " How'd you get it open ?' demanded Mr Spoopendyke. " With the can-opener," replied his wife; "I found it in your tool-box, where you put it to sharpen it." " Maybe I put the lemon there to sharpen that, too," grunted Mr Spoopendyke, pegging away at the box and looking up with his mouth full, but, recognising the taste of vinegar, he made some remarks about some people only needing a handle and a cork to be a Fortunatus jug; and, having finished the lot, he demanded why his wife hadn't asked for 'em if she wanted some, and went to bed with some incoherent observations ontheabsurditv of folks .sitting around like martyrs with fish within reach.—Brooklyn Eagle.