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Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 5, Issue 1359, 21 April 1883, Page 4

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. I My dear,' said Mr SpoOpeildyke, between two ; groans, 'ray (leaif,--you won't forget to be kind to the baby after I'm gone, > ,11 you?' and Mr Spoopendyke straightened out in his . stuffed chair and kicked his slipper half way across the room. ' You needn't ,mind about a monument,' lie continued, ' A simple stone will do for me, only I want you to watch and gee that the measly thing don't get canted over siileWnys, like soino I've geen!' and with this sepulchral injunction Mr Spoopendyke rolled up his eyes and kicked tho other slipper to the ceiling. ' . 'You'll be all right in a day or two.' murmured Mrs Spoopendyke consolingly. 'You overheard my observations about the baby and the tombstone, ] , trust ? growled Mr Spoopendyke, wrigling into an upright position. 1 Y ou caught the spirit of my sentimcpt relative to the oflspring and the Ilk jwt, did you not?' '>Yes, dear,' replied Sirs Spoopendyke, mildly. ' Bat you are not going to die. Its only a tonch of your old trouble. If you take care of yourself, it will all go away.' ' P'lapa you've some inlormation about where it will go,' retorted Mr Spoopeudyke sarcastically. 1 Maybe you have a notion that it has certain days out I P'raps you're prepared to argue that it puts on a frock and goesto a matinee when it ought to be at home getting dinner readyi Well, it doesn't and it don't go around with its back hair in its mouth, hunting for a dodgasted crimping pin, with a pair of tin trousers on! This rheumatic pain is going to a funeral; that's where it's going, and the lato lamented on t-lw occasion is going to be one Spoopendyke, of which lamhe 1 Understand that ?' and Mr Spoopendyke assumed a corpso-like aspect and glared at his wife. ' i know its uncomfortable,' conceded Mrs Spoopendyke,' and —' 'Of course, you know all about it !' squealed Mr Spoopendyke, ' Neve: having had anything, of the kind, your information is limitless. If I only had your knowledge, I wouldn't need anything but a big doormat with 'Welcome' on it, and a redheaded cler! with spectacles to bo a public libaray Are you going to have that tombstmn according to the notions of the defunct, or am I to go whooping around through space without being able to point ou: to the other angels the last sad resting plartr ol the measley. remains 1 Can ! rely on that headstone, any more th (can on not having hash forMcuday't breakfast, or have I got to sib up in r my grave with my head sticking on;, so that people will know that it is the lowly, narrow bed of Spoopendyke?' ' Certainly,' fluttered Mrs Spoopendyke. 'lf you die you shall have a gravestone, Didn't carrying the potatr in your pocket help you any? I heard—--IST ou hoard ?' yelled Mr Spoopen dyke. 'You're always hearing! With your capacity for sounds, you only want your head tightened up and a big darkey to pound on you to be •• brass drum I Did the potatoes do n e any good ? Ask 'em I' and Mr Spoopendyke drew a huge tuber from his. pants' pocket. 'J£ that one don't know, inquire of this 1' here he drew one from his coat-tail pocket, 'lf In appearsto.be in any doubt about it, try this 1' and he hauled one out of his pistol pocket, ' Come fourth I' he roared, developing potatoes from all over him. ' Thou slmlt not bear falsi' witness against Spoopendyke 1 Speak the speech as I pro—come out!' lit 1 yelled, as one immense potato stuck fast, 'P'rapsyou think you're gut hold of the other end of that rheumatism ! Oh, come and be my bride 1' and as the potato came out with a jerk, Mr Spoopendyke bumped the point of his elbow against the edge of the table and lifted himself , over the back of his chair at a bound. ■That's what you wantedl' he shrieked, grinning at his wife, ' Think it looks as though those dodgasted potatoes had done me any good ? May be they Bhould have been smashed,' and suiting his muscles to the suggestion, he whanged them against the wall vindictively. ' Never mind, dear,' said Mrs Spoopendyke, soothingly, helping him back to his ch'&ir. 'lwas going to say 1 heard that potatoes weren't good for the rheumatism, It has got to b< taken care of and rubbed constantly, I know there must be something for it.' 'Produce that something,' groaned Mr Spoopendyke. 'Roll that something right into my presence and pull out the bung! Let the mourners tit':- • a recess while this great interconvc; tible rheumatism annihilator is set n. jOtt end within the range of my fii li;. • vision and' encouraged to gquir-.l Where is it!' lie demanded with a roar. 'Why should this'marvel remain hi coy dalliance with obscurity 1 Is tli" handle broke 1 Can't you lift it 1 Never mind, it's to late 1 The shadows are closing aronnd and tho dodgasted lamb is prepared for the measly sacrifice 1 If you ever find it, rub it on the torn l>-. stone 1' And Mr Spoopendyke fell 1 back with an expression of resignation, frothing at the mouth. 'I only said their must be some- . thing, dear,' mnrmurmed Mrs Spoopendyke. 'I don't know what it is, but I thing-' 'Thats it ?' squeeked Mr Spoopendyke, 'you think? With your disposition to indulge in abstract profundity .you only need a lightning-rod and a boat-wee to be a whole collegiate course of instruction 1 Where's that euro') You said there was n cure 1 Why isn't it held up for my scrutiny 1 Perpetrate that cure upon me before the post mortem sots in,' ' I really don't know what it is,' sighed Mrs Spoopendyke. 'lf I did I'd tell you.' ' Good-bye I' said Mr Spoopendyke; in a broken voice. ' I'm going to turn in and die I'and he began to undress slowly. 'l've shuffed around in, this mortal coil until the measly thing it most mi wound, and now I'm going to, - take a whabk at immortality. If I'm dead in the morning, don't cry, and if I ftin't a noise will disturb me.' With I yfcich b#ediction Mr Spoopendyke I

rolled mtp.. at^d 1 y . . ' I don't care,' soliloquized llrs Spoopendyke;' nS'slie droppfed ,'on litter to" ! take;o'ff• hepoots' ! might'to be aomutliiii g ?^pbd,j it-'i -If v lxpj/ ; isn'.k : bfitterito-morrow, hell want! the itombi stone brought to the house, and if it isn't us tall as a shot tower, he'll howl 1 around all day because: I don't love him,' '• And ( with ,tliis reflection Mrs Spoo-, pmidyke crawled,sadly 4nto bad,, and was rewarded for her: care withthe interrogatory, whether; she .' thought thf rheumatism was some sort of a hammock originated for dodgasted fe-, mules to fall in and out of, or a Dutch oven to warm cold feet 1' m •/ ■■■■■ ■ ••••;: