Wit and Wisdom.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 4, Issue 1256, 16 December 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Wisdom.

'• ——•■ —■♦?•- ''■',"-'.''' ' 11 ifQrinholl, lowa, wna.tho greatest tempernnco - town in the State. Tho, other.-, day a cyclone s blew all the houses over* and everybody was i- horrified to find that the exposed cellars were s full of empty bottles, Moral:—People who i. live'in temperance towns should'beware of a cyclones. ';.■ ft An utterly too young married lady with a still toper husband, living in one of tho (ashion- " able homes of the day, worked a motio with tho e inscription:—" Good Bless Our Flat," And a 11 neighbor, to whom it was shown, had tho liar-. J dihoodto ask her whether she referred to her i- residence or ber husband. 0 "Is he'honest?" inquired a banker of a friend I, who recommended a man for tho position of janii. tor. "Honest!"' ho echoed; ''well, I don't ~ know what you call it; but ho returned a bor- , roivdd umbrella to me yesterdy." Tho man was engaged as cashier. ■' ' " Waiter!" ho called, after vainly struggling " with knife and fork; for full ten minutes on an ,l alleged spring chicken. " Waiter,' bring ne a a chilled-steel wedge and a hoaTy hammisr, lor c I'm interested now, and am determined to see of : what material this thing is made," " When I goes a shopping," said an old lady, '. " I allors ask for what I wauts, and if they have it, and it's cheap and it's suitable, and I feel in- ' clined to take it, and it cin't bo got at any place ibr less, I almost allors tako it, without chaffer--1 ing all day, as mostpoople oo." B ' A cer.tain clergyman who told his congreua- ' tion from the pulpit a week ago that only tip- ; piers and drunkards wero sun-struck, was pros- , tratcd on tho street, and now he hardly knows i how to get out of bis fix. ! " Confound those cats;" exclaimed old Xylo, , as he reached for his gun and crept stealthily ', toward the back window, " Why thoso are not cats," calmly replied his wiser sevon-eiglm, " it is only our new church choir, practising for to- . morrow," 1 A certain young man brought his affianced ' down from the country to see tho sights, One i day while thoy wero passing the confectioner's i the swain noticed in the window a placard ; bearing the announcement "Ice cream, 4s, per . gal.*' "Well," said the young man, as he , walked into the saloon, "tkt's a protty steop . priee to charge for one gal; but Maria, I'll see ' you through, ni matter what it costs, Hero's 4s, waiter; ice cream, for this gal." " Father," he suddenly remarked, as he looked 1 up into the paiorual faco," you are an awful ! good man to mn," "Ami? Well, I hope I i treat tier as a husband should a devoted wife," I ' And it's all over town how liberal you are to i her," " How; what do you mean ?'" "Why. , I beard throe or four men on the car say that , all you had in tho world was in h:r name!" ,' " Yes—ahem—yes—you get to bed, sir; anil next time you hear people lying about mo, don't . listen to what they say!" 1 A lady whoso husband wns the champion snoror of the community in which tiny resided, confided to a female friend tho following painful intelligence: -"My life has not been one of unalloyed delight. I havo had tho measles, the chicken-pox, tho cholera, the typhoid fever, and inflammatory rhoumatisin, but I never know what rcnl misfortune was until I mnrried a burglar alarm." Mark Twain prescribes for an aspirant to literary fame—"\is, Agassi? docs recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosporous in it makes braius. So far you are correct, But I cunnot help you to a decision about the amount you need to cat-at least not with certainty, If the specimen yon send is about your fair usual average, I Jiould judge that poiiiaps n couple of whales is all that you would want for the present j not the largest kind, but simply good middling wlialps," It is a curious fact that women arc always envious of men, "My darling husband," said an appreciative wife to tho ltoro of her choice, II how I bo wish I were you." This scorned nothing more than natural, and tho " darling husband," ibr most assuredly lie was, in bis own judgment a man to be envied by almost anyone; still he said, " And why do yon wish you wore I, my not?" Then with a silv;r eloquence, she replied, "Because then I would order my little wife such a love of a bonnet for the summer." And that is the kind of trick which is being played on men ovcry day in the year. There is something very solemn about raitriinony, Marital affection is a beautiful thing, and ovwy fresh exhibition of its tenderness and loyalty ailocts in to tears. A wife—possibly an old wife-on a certaiu occasion foil overboard, Tiio husband rushed frantically about the deck, literally tearing his hair out by the handful and crying in the most beseeching tones, "For heaven's sake, save her, she is my wife?" The noble sailors thought of their own sweethearts ami ran all risks, and ,at last brought the poor woman into the cabin of the swoonimr husband. The look of gratitude he gave them fully repaid them for all tboir efforts. Thon, recovering his equilibrium, lie thm«t his jliaud into his wife's wet pocket, pulled out a somewhat plethoric purse, and with infinite relief said, " There, old woman, the next time you tumble overboard just leave that purse behiud, will you? You scared me'most to death." MR. SPOOPSNDYKE VEXED. " Say, my dear," observed Mr, Spoopendyke, straightening up, and sera'ching his ear, '• what did t||n man say about boxiug up this sewing machlno?" " Why, be said to take tiie cover off and—=" "I've got the cover off?" snorted 3i[f, Spoopendyke. •' Did be say to talse it off/twice ? Ain't once binding on this machine ?' "Certainly," ropliod Mrs. Spoopondyde; " then you tako the top oft'and —" " Did that man say anything about boxing up this machino? That's what I asked you," vociferated Mr. Spoopendyke, "I know all about the co' or and top. You enn't tench me anything about the top and covor. I some information about this bird cage losing arrangment! Did he say whether, j was to take off anything?" " The machine goes in that," muttered Mrs. Spoojieudykp.' > ( Aud then this slat covoc nails QVOIUt." ' " Now that's the way I like to hear a woman talk," remarked Mr. Spoopendyke, betakin" himself cheerily to bis work. "if you'd always answer straight up, wo'A have moyeii n wock ago." " But af tho top and tie the cover underneath," said Mrs, Spoopendyke, who, having been complimented on a detail, dotormined, woman-like, to know all about it, "What stable have you been boarding in now?" roared Spoopendyke, dropping tho hammer on his foot, " WhaJ asylum for indigent jackasses did yon get that scripture quotation 'from 1 ! HttwW'l to screw the top on the bottom ; u'f'itself? Whcro's the screw that does that? • Just jerk your thumb in tho diroction of tho in<i - terconveriible screw that will screw a JlnV on ! that way!" " Why you just turn the. ton on the bottom, ( the man said, and, seww it to ttie top; that—" ■ ','Cunjc oyerr yelled Mr. Spoopendyke, tug- ' ging at the from which be bad neglected 1 to take the thumb-screw. " Come over tho way i the man said for you to. Hear mo! Come over! i There can't any piece of sevonty dollar 1 get the best of the manufacturer who.fi, Spmwi- ] Syko's within reach. Coimjp.vej and sorow on tl'ie bottom lib. tip man said! Coming over?" and My, Spoojiendyke's hands slipped, landing him on the back of his neck in the crate his wilo ! had purchased to box the machine in. ] " Never mind, dear," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, ] trembling with apprehension for the safe of ' the macliine; " Let the man coin'o and do f it himself it ho knows sonpb. about it" : — i "Dod past the man!, I .' howled Mr. Spoopon- i ipngrag.tollis feet and moving on the I] worksdnee'more.''''Think he can'breajsthis l| old 'dost-iron imitation of nn inebriate, home' any i quickei-'n I can ?" and he graspwl ilia top of the ! instrument and hauled amy' till' his eyes hung out.: " Corpse oyer to' the dulcet bottom, and. be severed, bij. Oh, come whore the glory, of-b.eing ; screwed to' tho bottom oj tl\e t<jp, fcw'ajts. Uko,, i i Come and see tin) npracjje,ns- jda.stwillff the top WU boftpjn - '