Wit and Wisdom.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 4, Issue 1245, 2 December 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Wisdom.

The libiijuitolis Co'ndimunt.—Young lndy (to fellbw passenger): " Can you tell' rao what eta- • 'tion this is, please?" Foreigner (looking out of ■■ window, lit aiivortisemout): VI think it is de ■'■ Colroan's muslard," , ■ • , , Mr., Editor,—Will you please answor who was '"David's wife's,mother?" and you will : groafly obligo a reader,—Lizzie. Certainly, with pleasure, Davidls wife's mother was David's ' mother-in-law, ' ' Highly Intelligent Darllmr: " The robbcra can't steal my mamma's earrings, 'cnuso papa's hidden thorn." Interested lady visitor: "Is that so, dear? Why, where lias <ho put them, .'■ Twonder?" " I heard him say Iw's put them up the spout, and expects they, will stay thero" " Well, my littlo fellow," said a philanthropic „ old gentleman as he patted a gamin on the . head, '; what do you expect to be whon you grow up ?" "I'm goiu' to bo a sing and danco man. I am, I've just got nineteen different steps down fine. I say, mister, hain't you got a kid what'll go in with a feller au' make up a doublo clog ?" The philanthropic old gentleman passed onin a hurry, .A good fellow, a little deaf, went into a theatre in London,,the other day, where a panioraine was going, on'. For five minutes lie contonted liiraself with listening with all his might, leaning forward, making an oar trump t with his hand, etc, At last, finding himsolf still unsuccessful, lie rises, and cries out in a raw, ''• Louder, louder, I tell you! Nobody can hear that!" Amanboughtanesmtein Ireland the other day; He wfs of small stature, we are told, aud very,:thin and wiry-looking. Whon ho wont down to seo the place the tenants turned out to inspect the now landlord, aud aft-rhis departure ■ .beg in to discuss him. "Well, Pat, what do you tliink of the new landlord?". "Oh, ließorra, ' : not much. Why, that littlo gossoon'would be ns 1 'hard toshoot as a jack-snipe," Poor Pcnlieoker, liis Jo'<o,—'• Whyj my dear," Said poor little Mr; Petthecker, with a ghastly smile,"why would tho world without woman, lovely woman, he lib a blank sheet of papor?" • jMis. P., who had just boon giving, tho little man I ."a pieco of. her,mind," smllod, and couldu't think, ,"Why, because, don't you seo, love," said' the, long-suffering ono, "it wouldn'tevon be ruled.,";. ~...', . Smart Lawyers, -Lawyor': You say you tar Mr. Smith? Witness: Yes sir. Lawyer: You mean that you aro acquainted' with him ? •Witness: Yes; acquainted with him. Lawyer: Oh, 1 you don't kno'i 1 him; you are hioroly acquainted with him. Remember that you are on oath, sir. Now be careful, You donf mean to tell the court that you know all about Mr. Smith—everything that he ever did ? Witness: No, I juppoje-TT Lawyer:. Never mind what you suppose. Pleaso answer ray question. Do you, or do you not, know everything that Mr. Smith did? Witness; No. Lawyer: That'll do, sir. No, you do not. Very good. So you are not acquainted with all his acts 1 Witnoss: Ofoourse-i- Lawyer: Stop there. Are yon or are you not? Witnoss: No. Lawyor: ' That is to say, you are not so well acquainted with him as you thought you wcro ? Witnoss; Possibly not.—Lawyer: Justso. Nowwobegiu to understand each other. If you don't know anything about Mri Smith's acts whon you are with him, you can't swear that you know him, ,can you ? Witness: If you put it in that way ' —Lawyer: Come, sir, don't seek to evado my question! I'll put it to you again.. When you say you kuow Mr. Smith, you don't mean to say you kuow every tiling ho docs? Witness: No, sir. Lawyer: Ah, I thought so, That'll do, sir, You can stand down. Poor Rations.—" They are making lots of fuss ovor the fact that tho Jeannotte survivors wero compelled to live on walrus hide for three weeks," said Diffonderfer down at the club the othor night, "just as though that was anything sotorriblo. Now, if they had gono through the hardships that I have, they might talk." " Cook's been burning your buckwheat*, I suppose?" said Boggs, with a satirical wink. " Oh! I'm in earnest, said Diffondorfor. " For instance, I was lost on a Michigan prairio once, and for three .days I lived on a singlo field mnuso I caught,' "That's nothing," said another member contemptuously. . '"Ain't, eli? Another timo.l was shipwrecked in (ho South Seas. Floated around' on a raft for sixteen days, with nothing to eat but a pair of old bootlegs among ten of us," " Good soft calfskiu isn't so bad," critically observed Skidmoro, who claimed to liavo been a pirate, or'something in early life, "Then, on nnothor occasion," said Diffonderfer, bracing up again, after a while, "I was looked by mistako in a bank vault, and had to subsist on Government bonds and coupons." " Lots of men doing that now," said old Botts, gruffly, " I escaped from the robs, during the war, at New Orleans," said the narrator, growing paler and nioro determined as ho Went on, "and for six weeks hid in a swamp and lived exclusively on the cast-off skinsoialligators," "You should havo boiled it," said Guffoy. calmly. "That's the way I :used to do in Africa." There was a silence that could be cut oft'with a knifo after that for some time, when, just as tho crowd was chuckling over tho supposed extinguishment of tho storyteller, Diftenderfer tools the bit in his teeth and made one more dosperate brush for 'the lead, " But, gentlemen." he continued solemnly, "thosewere hardships, indeed; but nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to an experience I once endured in this city about toce years ago, Through an unfortunate coirJolnation of circumstances I was compollei to eat tbreo hotel steaks in one week I" w jth awestruck faces' the 1 sympathisicg crowd arose and awarded the surTiYW the official cake.