Wit and Wisdom.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 4, Issue 1014, 4 March 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Wisdom.

. Friends indceds,—Lawyers, . A training ship.—Courtship, i Stands to Speaker. They talk most who have the least to say, Ah' "advancing"■ business,—A'■ pawnbroker's.' ::■-:■ .:■:;':•:

A man i 3 known by the company ho keeps OUt Of.' •■■■'•■■■'■ ■'■■•,'.:■■;■:.

: A man's pleasure,—A woman after his own'heart,' ■■■>'■'■ ■ <•

The art of life is to know to enjoy a little, and to endure much.

Declining a Matrimonial Quarrel.—" He, she; and hit;" '■'■■'■'■■■;

A Soothing Potion for an /Esthete's Baby. Daffo-''dil(l)-water."- ■■■<■■■>' ■■> ]■■■ : • The' Cause of Irish Peasant Sharpness,— Education at an 'edge fiohoolj' ''< " ! ! . We : always find wit indimef it in those who look at US wifch'admiration, "■'. : '-'-' ■"•■•■" i ;

Many complain of their memory, but none complain'of their judgment, -•''■'■ :'' "■ ' I ■ If sulphur cures eruptions, how is it that Vesuvius is subject to them? " ■ - ■ H'i! 1 Every lie, says Owen;' 1 must be thatched with another, or it will soon'rain through,' 'When is a girl like amusic book ?—When. she'ispl'OUd; because then she is full of airs. There is generally' thought to be a'great deal'morepleasure in'bringing'on the gout 'th'attin bearing it,; ..'' ■ ! 1 A lady being asked by a young to knit him something 'nice, she shook her head and knit her brows. .' '"'•''' '

•'• It'is better;to wear a poor vest with a royal heart inside'it,' than ; to wear a royal vest'with'a beggar's he'art'inside, ! The world is 1 apt to <iqo in your ear like a dove when you are rich,' but if you happen to be pobrit kicks like a '"Young lady examining some bridal veils: "Canyou'really recommend this one?"— Over zealous 'shopman:'" Oh! yes, miss. ; It may be used.several times." : ,, '

There' is no' place like' home,' especially if ibis the' home of a pretty girl where they keepa good fire during cold weather in the parlour, and turn the gas down low to save expenses,' ,: ' : ' '■'"'.' '■"' '' ''■ • "What building is that?" aaked a stranger of aboy, p6mtinjf : tdaschoolhouse,"That?" said the Doyj "why,; that is a tannery!" and he feelingly, rubbed his back as he passed 'on."' r ''' ; : -' ;,;1 ' : . ■'•'■"" : ''_ ' '■■■ ' '■' l A crusty old bachelor, not liking the way his; landlady's 1 daughter had of using his hairoil|'fllled his bottle with liquid'glue the day before, the ball to whichthe girl was'invited, She stayed at home, 'How cruel, : , ; .' '"There's my hand," he 1 exclaimed in a moment'of: eahdour,',"and'my heart is in it |" She glanced 'at the empty

I) ramufia.pmi >\'i:::i.TOt) hi rsirdirrroru ;■ m palm extended towards her, and wiok e( jj y replied; ,*'Juafc as' I, Buppoaed—you have no .•hearVj'v ~!'■*. i....-! ,ni;..:iw ■.,.; 1 There are tome men/who are. so generous» minded and liberal/ that they'will gladly give a' large sum of money-when it will find its way into the papers, : but who can't be bothered about small sums' that will never be meMoneaV ,,f ' '■'- k,i ■■'"':'v_, k')

J; Pleasures of Hotel Life.—"Here's a fly in my wupy, waiter;"- '"Yes, 'Bir| very' aorryj sir j but you can throw the fly away'and eat the soup,can't you f- "Of course, lean. You iidn't expeot'me to throw away the soup'and iat the fly, did you T" : ' ; •' '' ; i "■ '■' :,: ''-' < ' 'Arnold lady was in the habit of talking to taold in a gloomy,; depressing manner, pre* entingto;him'only the'-'sid 1 Bide of life, ! Hang it," said'Jerrold.bne'day, after a ongand sombre interview, !; '"she wouldn't How there was a bright side to the moon," ■ A QniteToo Utterly Three-slded : Affair.'h'ey, Were walking by ! the seaside, and he ighed and she'sighed; and she was by his ide, and he wai by her'side; and they were iotli L beßide thomsolves,' beside being at the oaaide, 1 whore she sighed.'and ho sighed. ''Gentlemen of the Jury," said an Irish iwyer,'" It will be for you to say whether he'defendant shall be allowed to come into ourt with unblushing footsteps, with a cloak f hypocrisy injhis mouthj and draw three iullooKs but of.'my client's pocketjwith imlUh'ity."■•■' ' • •'■■.' '■ ScHoprpatron':'" I Well ) jMr. Syntax, you iave a Very fair school'here I"—Mr, Syntax i ' Yes, sir; the school is well enough, but th» urriculum is defective."—Patron: "What, he curriculum defective? We must see the rchitect'at once'about it, and have it raised few feet higher." .i'<n(,-\i-£ii

: •' A Wesleyan' preacher was robbed of hi overcoat tiy a thief,' to whom he addressed through an advertisement,' the following :- "If the person who' -stole my overcoat, m Sunday evening, will read' the"'Methodisl 'discipline,' which was in one of the pockets, he'will learn 'something to his advantage, 1 " ; A couple of' young ' men went out fishing the other day, and, on returning, were going past a farmhouse and felt hungry, They 'shouted to the farmer's daughters, "Girls, have 1 you any buttermilk ?" 'The reply waa gently wafted back to their own ears, " Yeß, but we keep it for our own calves." SaM-y True.-Since the discovery that horse flesh is largely used in tho manufacture of sausages, it is proposed to alter the spelling to.s-os-ages, ; . : ■■' ; Nature and Art,— Youthful Artist (to Countryman): .Might I"go oyer" there and paint those trees? Countryman: Paint the trees, Master 1 Don't thee think they look very well as they are? An Ale-ment,—lt is said that " the Pope has so strong a' presentiment of his approaching death that he has made his will," A brewer, without this presentiment, makes his (s)will daily. A'sell on the Stock Exchange —Jones; Did you see Eobinaon with any one ? Brown: No; I saw him by himself.-Jones: Buy himself! That man would buy anything, Whatdidhegofor?-Brown: A.8.andS,

Proverbs Amended.—Boya will be—men, A hand on a bird is worth two in the bush. Half-bred is better than all loafer. One (wallow does not make a summer, but one snake may be an adder, A Poser,-Mick: Look at that, noWi There'll bo nicighty illigant sport there, I'm thihkin', "Every man his own" ——< (Pause.) Begorra, but who's to do the shootin'? ' "' : "■ i -4. MK. SPOOPENDYKE ON THE SICK " How long is it since I've been out of this measly ; old barracks?" asked Mr, • Spoopondyke, turning painfully in his bed, »nd ■ gazing in a vague, half-dazed way towards a long line of antidotes on the mantle, "About two weeks, dear," said Mrs, Spoopendyke, coming towards him with a bowl of graul, and smiling pleasantly. "The doctor says you are not likely to havo another attack, if you keep voiy quiet and follow his instructions." "Oh, he does, does he?" said Mr., Spocfl pendyke, making a vain effort to sit down, and falling back, with a groan. "He says I won't have another attack, Now, what do you suppose that dodgasted, baldpated, pillroller knowß about my case, anyway? Pehaps' you' you' think he could make an Egyptian mummy dance a!Highland fling, and put life into a cigar sign ? All he needs is three bulletins a day and unlimited chin to become one of the leading physicianß of the country. I suppose if I'takc all tkatstuffup therell shall be born agaih,'and see the next Centennial. What does that bone-sawing, blistering old ape, know about the future anyway ? How can he tell whether I'll havo another attack or not ? Perhaps he will tell you the 1 name of your next husband, and tho color of his hair, for fifty cents ? Perhaps h» is a dodgasted Spiritualist, What's that ?" "Gruel,"said Mrs. Spoopendyke. . "" Gruel, always gruel," said Mr. Spoopendyke, turning his face to the wall. "Do you imagine I'm a Sheltering Arms and St. John's Guild excursion thrown into one? Why don't you tie a bib around my neck, get me a rubber to chew on, and put a rattle in my hand?" '•But'the doctor says you mußt not eat solid food just at prea-j". ""'Oh, I am not to eat solid food, "said Mr, Spoopendyke, kicking viciously at the footboard,' "A diet of'cannon balls and Bcrap iron won't agreo with me. It won't do for me to attempt digesting Bteel rails and bridge girder. He thinlts they won't agree'with me, does he, the measley old rattle brained powder mixer, [ Here, give me that stuff," and Mr, Spoopendyke knocked the bowl out of his wife's hands, spilling the contentsover the bed clothes. "There,'now,',l suppose you are satisfied," he said, 1 squirming over toward the' wall, and digging'his face in tho pillow, while Mrs. Spoopendyke gathered up the pieces and' said'it' was so fortunate the bowl was only" earthenware.—Extract,