Wit and Wisdom.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume 3, Issue 991, 4 February 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Wisdom.

Fanaticism is'- a great impelling, power amongrn'cn; but reason'is not,. : ' ■ A man' calla'apuppy after him • by rwhistling, but a girl only has to wink at one! .. ' In what respect is an ill-bred, man like lightning?. Hedoes'nbt'knoVhow;'to,.con'duct himself, A Frenchman remarke I d;the other day that " pocket-picking. is peculiarly an .English industry, . ' ' " •'"'" '■'" • ; : '" One difficulty about a chip off the old block," said Deacon Searchly, "is that it's of'en off a blockhead." ',.'-'.[■. "Is your mistress at home, Jane ?" "w, sir, she is not ; but she wants to know when ye'll be after coining again," ' : A philosopher says-" You require in mar« riage precisely the same quality'that you wouldmeatingsausage-absolute confidence!" ' Paul and' Silas prayed themselves out'of jail; but nowra-days folks have to swear out, : " : "■•'. '!,''.-' ".,'. '\ ' When a woman smiles at'. an affront, she has lo3t her. modesty, or she sees her re« venge',: ■';''.':''''■. : . ! '.''.'' " •'. • . ,■, ■■" ".Don't ybu mean to marry again,' Deacon 'Jones'?! I ''-asked,'Widow Simpkins.' "Noi" growled he; " I'd rather 'lose what ribs I've I gbt, than take any more," /tt^—' 1 Prisoner, why 'will you drink? Now look at me! I am sixty, and I never tasted liquor." Ypu'ya. lost lots of fun, then, Judge,'stae as you're born," Age' usually' makes;'lis tolerant; for we then do not see a fault, that we have not committed, 1 1 ' 1,'..".'..;.'-,.,'.;.:" .'.- Ho who carfpbly be serious,',' and 'he. who can only be merry, is but half a man, Both halves must be developed to form a real specimen/ ..,".,.. :" Wheh'a bishop'was commending iDryden's translation. of " Virgil'," 'Lord 'Chesterfield observed:' "The original is truly excellent, but 'everything suffers by translation—except ■■•» bishop." Many nien who claim tp'be self-made seem to.lmvo exercised very poor, judgment in, so- ' lecting the material .for.their.own construe,tioh.:, .

'' "Mr, Boatman," said a timid woman to the ferryman who''to rowing her across a river, "are people-ever lost in this river?" "Oh, no, ma'm," he replied, "wo,.always finds 'em again within a (lay or so." A :sickly poet wrote'- an ode, entitled " Welcome Death," in which he showed what a blessed relief death .would be, and then spent the money lie got for the poem in buy ing quack medicines to keep death at bay. Lancashire trainer to Oldham boy, about to ran his first footrace, having pinned his coloured handkerchief through his scalp, asked, ] " Art o' reet ?" " Ay, I think so, t' 'pins into my yed, Should it be ?" "Could you tell m'c, sir, which is the othor 'side of the street?". On beiug told that it was across the way, the tight one said, "That's what I said j but a fellow over there sent me over hero."

" Major, how did yees iver lose that leg fii". Why, Pat, one of my ancestors was an Irishman j and all my blood that came from him was in my left leg. So I had it cat off,"—"By the powers," said Pat, "it's a)pity that it hadn't settled in your head !" Michigan has an old lady eighty-one years of age, who has raised a family of eleven children, can now spin forty yards of yarn in. one day, and never ate ice cream until tho ■ last Fourth of July. That accounts for it, A Kansas schoolmistress has introduced a new feature in hei school. When one of the girls misses a word, tho boy who spells it gets ■permission to kiss her, As a result the girls are becoming very poor spellers, while tho boys are improving, Quite So,-The clergyman who tied the knot made a serious Borji of speech when the cake was out. One of the little bridesmaids, aged seven years, was asked by a younger sister to give an account of the ceremony. "Oh," said she, "we had the prayers in church' and the sermon at breakfast." '

The late John Brougham was well known as a wit, and his replies were always on the spur of the moment, At a banquet in Now York he was seated next to Coroner Croker, A toast was proposod, and Brougham asked the coroner what he should drink it in, "Claret," said the coroner. "Claret!" was the reply, " That's no drink for a coroner, There s no body in that." NoTimo To Understand.-A very quick and clever child made an observation to her governess the other day which had a great deal of truth in it. " How is it, my dear," inquired tho lady, "that you do not under stand this simple thing ?" "I do not know, indeed," sho answered with a perplexed look; "but T sometimes think I have so many things to learn that I havo not time to understand;" All'the Difference,—Charles Harrison, tho Mayor of Chicago, says that when a man gets full of whisky he goes home and beats his wife, but when he gets full of beer he goes home to fall asleep, and his wife beats him.

Personal—Two friends, who wo divided in opionion as to the relative merits of a certain'well-known man,', were recently discussing his qualitcs, when one of them said, evidently thinking it a clincher: "Well,' at any rate, he know's what he's talking about I" "Undoubtedly," replied the other, "ho"ought to, for lies generally talking about himself." '■ ■•.-■••■• A Clergyman's FoRGETJ?i/LNEBS.-We have tidings from Boston of a clergyman of Massachusetts who, on exchange,', preached in a brother's pulpit, Taking up a note which hef ound when he opened the Bible, he read that Brother'- I ——requested the prayers of the Church that the loss of his wife might bo blessed to him, &c. The preacher prayed most fervently. To his amazement and mortification, be found afterwards that the note '/ had lain in the Bible a year, while the be- '•>: reaved gentleman was on this Sabbath sitting with a new wife in the congregation. A Gooi> Will SroRY.-That is a curious story which an American writer relates as having occurred in England many years ago, An eccentric testator left £2OOO to a friend, but with the condition that one-half the sum should bo buried with him in his' coffin. The legatee took advice on,the matter, " Where is the money now ?': asked his friend. In tlie bank, was the reply. " All right," said the adviser, " writo a cheque for a thousand pounds, and put it into.the old gentleman's coffin; payable tg his order,"