HUMOROUS ITEMS.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume IV, Issue 199, 6 May 1902, Page 4

HUMOROUS ITEMS.

Few men can hold a hot lamp chimney and repeat the ten commandments at the same time. Uncle : “How old are you, Billy ? ’ Billy ; “ I’m thirteen at home, fourteen at school, and eleven in the train A batchelor.can’t tell what he'll do after he gets married because he doesn't know the orders he will receive. If you want to guess what your adsent friends say of you, listen to what they say of others in your presence.

When you hear one girl speak of another as being good and sensible, it is unnecessary for her to add that she is homely:

Sir Verc ; “ Oh, how you do chaff, you never take me seriously.’: Bashful Belle : “You never asked me.” ( No cards.)

He kissed her suddenly

“ Well I like that ! ” she cried. “So do I,” he answered, calmly And she let it go at that.

A mother’s idea of as good luck as anyone can ask for, is to occasionally find a pair of stockings in the pile that don’t need darning.

Denis O’Flaherty said his wife was very ungrateful, for “ whin I married her she hadn’t a rag to her hack, and now she’s covered with ’em.”

An American paper says it cannot hell) it if its jokes are not clear to some readers, as it contracts to supply them with jokes, not with brains.

“ When’s the next train ? ” said a tourist to an Irish railway porter. “ Oh, it’s just gone, yer honour, Worse luck ! ” replied Paddy.

When you see an advertisement offering a reward for the return of a lost article, and no questions asked, you can bet that the advertiser is not a - woman.

To Hide It.-Hewitt: “What are you growing a beard for ? ” Jewitt “Well I don’t mind telling you that I am wearing a neck-tie my wife gave me.”

First Deaf Mute : ** He wasn't so very angry, was he ? "

Second Deaf Mute; “He was sc mad that the words be used nearly blistered his fingers.”

Mrs Henpeck : “If it hadn’t been for the South African campaign yog wouldn’t have been my husband.” Mr., Henpeck : “ What a curse war is.”

A little girl drew a dog and cat on a slate, and said to her mother : “A cat oughtn’t to have but lour legs; but I drew her with six, so she could run away from the dog.”

A poor emaciated Irishman, having called a physican in a forlorn hope, the latter spread a huge mustard plaster, and dapped it on the poor fellow. Pat said,“Docther, dear, it strikes me that it’s a of mustard foe so little.