Page 3 Advertisements Column 2

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume III, Issue 173, 9 July 1901, Page 3

deduced the Name to “ Ma.* 1 Her mother named her “ Mary,” that ] good old-fashioned name, And all through school she wore it, contented with the same. But when she'd graduated, and left the school behind, She dropped the “ff" and “Slay" became —*twas so much more refined. She's married now, and off the hands of her enduring pa; Still more her name has been reduced—her youngest calls her " Ma." —— o ■— Yewy Touching. First Pickpocket (who had been attending church for professional purposes, to his mate)t ‘ That was a mighty touch in’ sermon which that old toff in the white thingumbob preached, weren't it. Bill ?’ Second Ditto i ‘lt were that, Tom. I was gain* to sneak something out of the plate, but that sermon so touched the soft part of me ’cart, 1 put a button in it instead,' The Coward, A certain wild beast tamer has a tartar of a wife. The other day, as the result of a violent quarrel, she gave him a generous hiding, and the poor fellow, at is wits' end, took refuge in the lion’s den. .fudge of the amusement of the spectators to behold the exasperated wife standing in front of the cage, brandishing a huge umbrella, and shrieking through the bars at regular intervals, “ Come out of that, you big coward — come out of that 1’ Payment Demanded. At a ragged school feast one of the teachers asked the children : ‘ Are you not thankful to receive so much instruction, without being asked to pay anything ?’ ‘ But we are asked to pay something,* exclaimed a boy. ‘I think not; pray What is it?’ said the teacher. 1 Why, we are asked to pay attention.* Looked Suspicious. Mrs. Cowpor (the next morning): ‘Do you know what time you got home last night ?’ Mr. Cowpen 'I mttst have been pretty late, but important business detained me at the office, and, by the way, dear, did you see anything of my shoes?’ Mrs. Cowper; ‘Yes, yon will find them hanging on the hayrack in the hall, just where you left them 1' Tongue Twisters. Say each of the following lines tot times — Six thick thistle sticks. The sea ceaseth, and it sufficcth üß> Mixed biscuits. A growing gleam glowing green. Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop. < There are two directly opposite rea softs why some people cannot obtain credit. One is because they are not known, and tue other is because they are. In an Awkward Position* One day a man rushed up to the coastguard' station close to Dover, shouting for help/ The men on duty asked him What was the matter, and he excitedly explained that his friend was stuck in the quicksands, and was likely to drown, as the tide was rising fast. ‘ How far is he in 1’ inquired the coastguard. 4 Up to his ankles, 1 said the man. ‘ Oh, that wOn’t hurt him,’ said the coastguard, ‘ho can easily get out of that by himself.’ ‘Nq, he can't,’ said the man excitedly. * JTe see, his bloomin’ head is downards 1’ The Boy Took the “Bun.** Teacher (explaining to the class the number of the respective armies at the Battle of Omdurman): ‘The Deivish army numbered about 85,000 men, and Itio combined English and, Egyptian forces about 25,000, making a total ot about 60,000. Can any boy in the class tell me the name of the field where there were a greater number than this, and one side gained such a decisive victory over the other?’ Boy at the top of the class (‘ who has a touch of the football tap’)'. ‘Yes, sir, at the Sydney Association 'Ground* last Season, when Kaudwick beat Paddington by 4 goals to nil in the final for toe Sydney Cup. There were about 73,000 present.’ 0 Inquisitive Woman. She walked into a draper’s store, VV ith stately step and proud, She turned the frills and laces o'et. And pushed aside the crowd. She asked to flee some rich brocade, Mohair and grenadines, She looked at silks of every shade And then at velveteens. She sampled jackets blue and red, She tried on nine or ten, And then sly? tossed her head and said ‘ “I think I'll Call again 1” The Briest Was No “Mug*" ‘ Father OLcary,’ said Curran in one of his gay moods, * how I wish, when I die, that ybu had the key of Heaved.’ 1 Why ? asked his reverence. ‘ Oh,’ replied Curran, ‘ because yon Could then let me in.’ ‘lt would be better for you,’ retorted the priest, with a merry twinkle in his eye, ‘ if 1 had the key of the other place, fir then I could let you out.’ a r*. .Q^-.---TpUbhing the Button* Mrs. Reverses ‘I have just beeh reading an article on electricity, John, hnd it appears that before long we shall be able to get pretty well everything we Want by just touching a button.’ Mr. Neverso: ‘You would never be able to get anything (hat way.’ Mrs. Neverso: * Why not, John ?’ Mr. Never*o : ‘ Because nothing on earth would ever make you touch a Button. Look at my shirtl’ *ond Mother I ‘ Little s)ick is a feet gentleman, bless hi# little heart! ding downstairs, he politSlyatepped to, and allowed Mre. Heavyweight to cede him. Didn’t you, darling ?’ little Dick: ‘Tea, mamma, I was id she might stumble ; and then it aid be * what oh I she bumps V if she iok me*' ■. ■ lea. Hir.” said the American.a lie rer passed the Ups of George Waahing.’V ‘ H’h,” asWertd the Britisher, “ I ipose be was like the most of country-men, he spoke through bis