Story Column.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume III, Issue 143, 30 April 1901, Page 1

Story Column.

FILLING THE CENSUS PAPfiB

Ifc tfas Sunday evening, the tea tbingf had b"en removed, and the family wHf . assembled in the cosy dining room. Mf plimby sat at the he*d of the table, with three or" four groat virgin nhee-ts of j blotting paper spread before him. The 1 ink b-ilfle had been ne-/ly repienishecL ! and was brinifu!. Mr Plimbj' was arntef with & new lien, an 1 a kindly bui ryso'ute expression Up n tlio virj/irt b!oti< r lay the olt.au pink u- nsua papers'., an;l Mr Amos P;itit'>y wis ar on. to his duty us a cilia-n, a hoit-jtuolder, and the proprietor or a a c w, fourteen ducks, ion hum, a. put, kangaroo, a and other live stwck. Mr Piimby to k up tvs pea resolutely, ' struck an atljyidtf, 'fepr.ead himself p.vev his papers, and said " N«w !'' with the air of a mail who mea'.t huain'sa. Thf f mily !ad an awed expression, and were preteriiaturaliy quie'. They w-.r* a very larg'i and very young family, and would take a.lot .of "filli.-g in." Mrs Pliniby looked anxious, and signalled to the children nervously. The u'eaccuptomefi lit r.ry tiak had unnerved the whole h'u«e. Mr Plimby took a dip and spread hip elbows wider, looking at the paper like a reluctant diver about io plunge iuto a cold and uukn iwi. sea. T' en he dropped his he-d on end side, and wrots very deiiberp^tely— ■'■-•.• " Amos Henry Plimby." Mr Plimby surveyed his work with gnat -p.ti'.faetinn. : 'There, my dear," lie said, "the Gove.-, meat v/.m't hive much difficulty in'ce-adiag that, I think., 'if everybody fills in his cer-sus papar as intelligently and legbly as Vll til! this one, theiVll Us. joy in the Cen-ua Office next week.'* " Very nice, iodeej,/ sjid Mrs Pli'mby, "but ere you sure it's in the right; column ?" "The right column ? Do you think you have married a born idiot-?"' ' "]\Ye"l, I don't, know, Amos, of course,but isn't th-t the >:'poe foe broke?' '«£? and tht.fyfi':- .?-..e, \';, says, *^>'kr ■--■■■'-%iii Lifii tnifcy' o* • • :>," Mi P'imby h.ok -o. i.-,v':- ; >o\n (>i hi,- hai:-, t,u h.-*u ined .the. expression of a d«-ep-y :njii;-. ''- man. K>, had (dace•'. the paper dowiv folded, and had entered.): m.elf as a '• Sickness and infi.mity." He.ca.it a look of withering reproach at his wife, bu& R a'* **•■ '.tij.'i-;. He was a man who could suffer nr.d bf. still. '•'"'' '-' " I - hope yon won't get i"to i rouble over ft." Siid Mrs Piiuiby, an-ioui-ly- •' j'hev Ati't en-J v''U '. ■> •.«'■!. cm 'hr;P I sav; •/. '*-,:i;rg ■ .iboiU v,= i.f„ -,,„<* •■"< :;.-,,. ,-.....».. ...."' - ,'ia it, or b me.-thi-.g?" •■ -:'-'. P.iiuby sr.ee. ed..- elahorately, a>'d out his paper. Then fee wrote again, " Anio* H my Piimby, ; 'jn the : ; giH place thisrtime, but. he 'droppe'd a blot as big as an V e j,h;iut's te»r iu the uii ItUe of " H'fe.jry.'' This made him S'lvag ~ and he plumed into the ink, and. dar-he.i <ff the details' hig name in a reckless way. Then he sat !<ack panting, with a b'ot fin his white ...; a fmiiHge .>n his rjOße, and Jiig ihnrab unci index ringer black to the urat knuckle. Mrs Piiin6y baned ove.r e.ni-scrii»ii))s-~d. " This does Heem quite right. seem to day her* thai, v ., u b no it Wesleyan 'Methodis 1 , .And that your religio-j brick outside and lath ».?c plastered." Amm snatched the paper ay/ty. "Pleasedon't interfere/' hd said " I don't think ,1' require any assistaucj fri.m yi-'U." M's Plimby looked insulted, and sa.fc back in her ch*ir, bjuncipg the baby down upon her kneee to express her -:ndi.nation, and Plimby went on with his list. " What's your second name? ? ' ho presently. " As if you didn't know," snapped M,rf Pli.nby. , " Madame, .yo'tr second name ?" saH* Mr Plimby, glaring horribly.'over big spectacl'S, after the manner of af indigoant official. " Hannah," replied the lady, awedhy penalties. •""Mr Plimby wrote laboriously, and thp ink o'za- mrb"'ween his fingers, anf ntole up so his cuffs. ." M-le ordinate?" he asked. '« Don't be ridiculous !" said Mrs P. Plimby started up wildly., '""Moleor female?" he yelled. Then, recollecting himself, be grunted, and pntere'l an F in the column header, ."Age Last Birthday." •" «' A«e last birthday ?" he blurted. " Let me see," she murmured. "I thirty-eigbL yrtvr* two rnont-8 old exactly "baby w«s-born, arv.i tn afe waa& year and three wefk«i pud dayi r- i:c or a year and tno weekn and I don't qnite know vhioh. What do-; . that make.m^?" .« ,- \yha' doei thrt make you?'* aif P imby, w.ith davgerr-us restraint " T)r. you want my.oanrlid opinion/' ".*.' Jo be sure J do. '* ••Well,'it makes you a s'mperipjj idiot I" yrHrf Plimby. "Jfow jn thunder am I -to say how p!4 yop art with a bally ridnle like that from ? For Heaven's £o .thf Bible apd honb np your aged p-y, when you vera born,' if you mvo hg%> at all"' awed by of bftving to ffl'VQ twlve Wjjfo

conspiracy or arson if her age jraf. incorreotly stated, set the baby on th* table and went to search the Soriptarea and meanwhile Plimby, vbo began tq look like a coloured-labour cartoon him. self, and who bad covered tbe consua paper with many blots and smudges, set to work filling in the children.and othejr items at a great rate. The*-by, 6eing a child of a literary turn, seized the opportunity to drink tbe ink, and Tommy, the eldest, in a gallant effort to effect a rescue, upset th» whole of the Stephens' blue-black over the baby, tbe tablecloth, Mr Plimby and the census paper. Mr Plitnby said r nothing for the space of a minute. He was too full for utterance, and »at back in his chair like an exhausted tar* sprinkler, gazing; at his bhck piccaninny and his beautiful paper | and then ne exploded and raved in shameful week? I day language for five minutes by the clock, while Mrs Plimby stood overbite, deadly {.ale, staring, too, at the paper and the baby, feeling like a convict. 4 criminal. " Per-puppup-perhaps it can be cleaned." she faltered, taking op the document. r "Oh, yes, it can be cleaned," paid Amos, rel-paing into hitter irony; "it jo.n be craned. Take it away and was<h it; u-e hot water and plenty of floap and scrub it jvtll on tbe" .board.. Clean it, my dear—e'ean it! " Mrs Plimby was lookirg paper attentively. Presently she ven lined, * tneekly : "After all, it does not matter much, Amo?, dear. You see, the words flaa b? ' read quite di-tinc-ly." Amo« snatched it out of her hands. " tcr goodness' sake, woman, let en* do -my wotfk," he gapped. "I've read about tho«e gre.it writers—Dickens and Gar.lyle.Bnd Byron 1 and Shelley—not being able to g.'t on with their wivec, andfcy heavens I can understand :t now! "The man who to do hteiary ,w.o,rk with a woman poking at hit elbow is an ass, a drivellingmaniao!" Ho .dashed at the paper .again, and worked feverishly tor twd minutes, and the ink stole up his Lee- ijito hiabair. His light troiiße'S were ruined, and hia face was like that of a rain-washed Christy minstrel. • • " There," he said, throwing the paper iway from hi:r>, "ifg done a\ last, aod if I had to do such another job once a . month I'd went a ditorce before .the year .was out." His wife took tho paper reverent'y and looked over the items with the air of % harmless imbecile trying to solve s> problem in Euclid. "It seems very Btrange, dear," she said, diffidently. " I'm sure you've entered baby as a milch cow," and should a bicycle go under the bead of | ' other stock ? "* 1 "Oh, rubbish !" cried Plimby ; ; , "nolhing-of tie sort." "It's here,";s|id Mm P. with a littl« more spirit, "and "you've put me down asoneof;the ..aaemplqyed, and entered Tommy as a female suffering from Westeyan. That's all wrong." ! " Women," BaidPi:inby, loftily, \'hav,e ', no literary judgment ; ' : 'Perhaps not, Pljniby, but I've gof too much common sense to enter up Daisy the cow as my own ton, «ged 13, i a student of the We&leyau religion, built of weatherboard, wi-h an iron roof. ; Who ever heard of a WeskyHti cow with an itoa roof?" - "Nobody. It required a maniacal ( imagination liko ,juy Lve, to discover such an i<isoticj;hi' ; sj. Give me the paper again. I neglected to mention, >our-feeble intellect." "•I shall do nothing of the .sortf. Yo\» • have stated that Mary i B aged If), and ■ we have been married fourteen you say that she is working for * blacksmith, and that she is~ug from the Wesleyan relijon, and was - W a -j u Thai, is about enough i think ; but yoo must go and enter my poor bed-ridden father as a horse, and •nclude tbe dogcatt in the place set apart for turkeys." : But P iniby had snatched the' r*ocu ment f. om her hand. He tore it into a" ■; thou-and fragments, hurled ,ti.em dowp and d,.nced on them, and Mrs Plimby looking like .a .woman Mitne 6 sh,g .hg perpetration of a massacre, ga,zed in awe at the scraps. " Good heavens.!" she said, trembling on . ._ v=rge of tears, .and suddenly con* cerned about the >afety of her hnsb..nd, "what shall .we (ell the .cen-us.man in the morning ?" ■'• Tell him.the pp.ger was eatem by the goat," snarled Amos. " But—but you Jino,w we hav,s.not gofc a goat,.dear." " Then," yelled Plimby, «« you'd better go out and borrow one. Vja gcing to" bed I" Ard Pu,„by J,ad a hot bath ang"' retired in high .dudgeon.-By Owefl Droodjn Melbourne Ptmch.