Alleged Humor.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume II, Issue 97, 18 January 1900, Page 3

Alleged Humor.

Bx Sgissoks. "

If is paid that a roan could easily carry a million pouuaß n ilio nioncy v?a>. in €1000 notes. Uis w >rth wi.ile iov ftvery nvvn to know this, co as to bo prep -.*(.£ for an emeigency. Nowly wed (complacently): "Oh, of cou.^e all woroan Imve sliarp tongues; every roae has its thorn, you know.' Old-^ timer (drily) : " Anil have you noticed yet how a rose will fade, and a th^rn won't?" Cholly Smartly : " Why does a chicken cross the roa r l ?' Rafci Avonside : "Oh gooines ! T don't k'low. I cmild never guess that. "Why?" Ohjlly Smartly : "To get to the other of course " Engagement oil. Farmer: "Jamps, have tou watered tbe cows thi- evening ?" New Man (from city) •' No, sir— not for two days."^ "What?'' L heard you say, day before yesterday, >h , thaf. they v/oaldn't be dry for about ■>ix weeks yet, sir." " We are all woiws!"cried an itinerant preaensr, adds easing a seafaring community on the beach. "I, my friends am .1 mare worm !" " >-ppc to d^ luuch with yer as bait," grovwac! on elderly fisherman, lighting his pipe and sti.oliug i.vay. A gentleman knocks at a f rends' door. The little daughtei of the honse ansv.eir, the summons. 'Is you father n, i»y ieai ? uiqunes the visitor. ' Yes. sir, but lie's busy ; ho ia having a row with mamma.' " What do you consider the grentest object of interest in 1 ng'anu ?" asked the imei viewer. " Well," answeied the g>e< i lecturer from abioad, " I arrived heie yesterday, and— " " Of oourse,' exclaimed tho in lei viewer, apologetically, '"I meant tt e greatest object of interest ncit to youi self."

I TO ADVERTISERS. ' One step won't take you \e:y far, You've got to keep on walking ; One word won't tell folks what you are, You've got to keep on talking. On? inch won't make you very tall, You've got to seep on growing : One little" ad," won't do it all, You've got to keep 'em going. It is mournful for the ladies to reflect that, after all," the best fitting sealskins ai c worn by the seals themselves. Her mother : " Don't you find Jack rather rough ?" Priscilla : " Yes, mamma. And yet he says he shaves every duy. Since the the fair sex took to wearing men's appatel the ave^a^e brother and sister are bound together by a, good many ties. Mrs G-oodfeed : Will you ask a blessing Mr Guest? Mr Guest (casti.ig his eye admiringly over the table) : " lifealjy, my deal madam, it doasn't neod it " You can always tall a bachelor by u'cfio iug whether he camc;s a b.ib; tuos; U c a lighted lamp 01 an oveicja*. Nothing pleases a conscientious badhelor so muoli as to dine with a married friend and see the baby pat his foot into the gravy Dr Glade : "Do you know anybody who has a horse for sale ?" Drover: " I reckon Hink Bitters has. I sold him one yesterday." " I got a beautiful parchment diploma from thB cookery school to-day — and I cooked this for you. Now guess what it is." Husband (with a slab of omelette betw en his teeth) : '• The diploma."*