HE HAD TO FIGURE CLOSE.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, 17 September 1898, Page 2

HE HAD TO FIGURE CLOSE.

o I was talking -with the village undertaker in the office of the village inn, when an old man came in ar}d was saluted as " Uncie Ben." He sat down and eateied into con\eisation, and by and by the undei taker said: " See here, Uncle Ben, you are not looking ,as well as usual. Anything wrong?" " Waal, nuthin to speak of," was the reply. '" Mebbe you heard I lost a mewl last week ">" " No. Lost a mule, eh ?" " Yes, and he was wuth oyer $100. The . diatted critter jumped a fence and stiuck on a stake. Bear about the laihoad and my hawgs?" " No. Have some hogs killed on the hack ?" " Thiee of mj best, and they say I can't git no damages. The ingine throwed one of 'em clear over the fence." " That's tough. How is the wife $hese .days ?" " Purty well, though she might be better. Is business purty good with you ?" " Fairly well, thank you. Hope you don't want anything in my line, Uncle Ben." " Waal, I dunno. Mebbe I'd git somethin' if you didn't ask too much. Times is haid and I've got to buy close." " What is, it you'd like '" "I'm thinking about buying a coffin, but the price must be right.'- 1 " Going to have it on hand against the day of your death, eh ?" laughed the undertaker. " Waal. no. My son Eben bought a gun t pff one of the Tmkham boys the other day. •{phis mornin' he staited in to clean it. I 37jU.-n.ed him to be keerful."

" And wasn't he careful ?" "Only soitei. He snapped it about a dozen times and it didn't go off. Then ho blowed down the bail to see if it was loaded. Eben was allus a gieat hand to blow into jugs, gun bar'ls and knotholes. I don't think it was the blowing that did it, however. It he hadn't hit the trigger at the same time he blowod, he'd be hoem' coin this aiteinoon.' " Why, do you mean that the gun went off ?" asked the undertaker. " She did." " And Eben was killed ?'' " He'll never be any deader than now. I happened to cum to town to-day to buy a, whetstone, and as I was passin your place the idea occuried to me that mebbe I'd buy a ooffin fur Eben. No great need of it, as I kin make somethin at home, but if you'll make th^e price right I'll see what you've got." " I'll go right over with you. I'm awfully •oiry for you, "Uncle Ben." " You needn't be in any great hurry, aa I've gqt to go down to the sawmill and then aiound to the postoffice. Yes it's puity hard luck — fust a mewl, then three fat hawgs and then Eben, and all in two weeks. I hain't no doubt that I'll git home to find the well all caved in and the bottom of the cellar dropped out. I'd ask you to nip with me, but somehow I ain't feeling very nipperoua to-day and I'll trot along and see you later. Don't git out anything with frills on it, and if you don't want at least ha,lf of it in taters we won't dicker at all !"

Editor : " Who was the first humourist?" Jokist : " I rea]ly don't remember." Editor : " I thought you might ; you hQ,ve. been bringing us his jokes,"