A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 19721, 11 December 1926, Page 22 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

Pa.w’s Verdict. Willie “Paw, what is the difference »etwcen the wedding day and the rooden wedding anniversary?’’ Maw “The difference between being toasted and being roasted, my son.” Paw —“Go to bed, young man! <v ® Oh! Girl (slipping on n«y engagement ring) —“You’ve hit on my favourite stone, old thing, which is more than the others did.’’ . , Man —“It’s the same Kind I usna.ly bnv. " ® & Why She Objected. Marie—“ Why did Jane break off your engagement?’’ Fred —“Because I stole a kiss. Marie —“But surely she wouldn’t object to that!” Fred —“Ah. bnt I stole it from another girl.’ ’ ® v His Ambition Would-be-Suicide —“Don t rescue me; I want to die.” Swimmer —* 4 Well, you 11 have «to postpone that; I want a life-saving med'iL ” The Waiter’s Tip. “Look here, waiter, I’ve been wau ing half an hour for that steak I ordered.’’ “Yes, sir; I know it, sir. Life would be worth living, sir, if everyone was as patient as you are.” His Answer Teacher —“If a man took two drive-, one mid-iron shot, and two putts to get a hole how many shots would that be? Little Johnnie—Father would eall jX three.” The Beacon “Why do you punch that hole in my: ticket!” asked the man of the railway »2iciaL “So you can pass through,” was the reply. <s.• Nasty Sprightly Spinster —“This piece of | lace on my dress is over 50 years old. ” j Bored Visitor —“Oh, it’s so beautiful. Did vou make it yourself? ❖ His Point of View. Freddy —Papa, may I study eloeu tioaf Proud Father —Indeed, you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to become a great orator, do you!” “Yes, that’s it.” “And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first legislative assembley in the world ? ’ ’ “I shouldn’t care for that. I want 1o be an after dinner speaker. “Ah, you are ambitious for social extinction, then!” *‘so —I want the dinners.”

Poisoned. The entire family was attacked with ptomaine poisoning. The family doctor was called, and after he had examined all the family, 4 4 Did you all eat something that had been left standing in a tin!” he asked. Mr. Jones thought hard for a mo moot. “Bv gosh, Doc!” he cried, “that’s it, just what we did. We had a picnic yesterday, and we left the lunch in the two-seater all morning.” Which Made it All Bight. “You objected to Jack because he had to work for a living—didn’t you, mamma! ’ ’ “Yes. my dear. He doesn't belong to our class.’ ’ “Well, it’s all right now. May he ©ail tonight!” “Has someone left him a fortune? 1 “No, but he’s lost his situation.” <•> To Put it Bight. “Shore, I don’t like this place ail all!” grumbled Murphy, who had just arrived in England with his family. “Ye have to go to a different shop for everything here’,” he continued, “but in Ballyhoney the one shop sold the lot.” “Mould thy tongue, man,” vigorous .y. broke in his better half, “and go and get that cheese I asked ye for.” “I want half a pound of Cheddar, said Murphy later to the grocer. Brisklv the cheese was weighed. “Sorry,” said the shopkeeper, “but it’s just" an ounce under weight. Does that matter!” Erin’s son gazed at the scales for a moment. . “Faith,” he said generously, just make it up with tobacco, will ye! <§► <?> A Good Point, Master —Can you tell me the name of anv animal peculiar to Australia! Boy—The rhinoceros, sir. Master —Wrong. That’s not found in Australia. Boy —Well, sir. that’s exactly why it would be peculiar. & ® An Inducement, “Sir, I would like to marry your daughter.” * 4 What’s your occupation !’ ’ “Wireless announcer.” “Take her. You’re the first man | who ever said good-night and meant it.’’ ® Similes. “Is your sister in?” asked the suitor nervously. “No,” replied the young brother promptly, “.She’s just gone out.” “Ah!” sighed the love-stricken one. “So I am like the man who went to the cage when the bird had flown. ’ ’ “No. you aren’t,” responded the boy, “You’re like the month of June.” 44 Why, how’s that!” 44 Because,” was the reply, 4 4 every time you come May goes out.”

Kith and Kin. “What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlour?” asked the girl’s mother. “Oh. we were discussing our kith and kin,” she replied, whereupon the little brother chimed in with “Yeh they were, mother, I heard ’em Mr. Smith asked if he could kith her and she said ‘You kin.' ’’ Ambiguous. In Brown’s office there are two different telephones. The other day his office-boy came up to Brown’s desk and said: “Please, sir, your wifo wants to speak to you on the ’phone. ’ ’ “Which one!” demanded Brown. <s><£«s> No Doubt! Prue —“The latest from Paris is that wigs are coming in.” Dorothy—“ Can you beat it! Now they’ll be selling us back the hair we had bobbed. ’ ’ <3> ❖ Get Out of It Husband (returning from angling trip) —What do you think of these beauties! Wife—Don’t try to deceive me. Mrs Naybour saw you in the fish shop. Husband —Yes, I know she did. You see I caught so many I simply had to sell some. <£><£<s> Wonderful Married Woman —Ah. my husband has always been a lucky man. As a child he was thrown by a horse but wasn’t injured. As a youth the ice broke beneath him but he wasn’t drowned. As a young man he was caught in an alpine avalanche but escaped uninjured. Bachelor —And he has now been married twenty years and is still alive. Quite at Home. Manager—That young woman whom I placed at this counter a year ago already knows more about the business than vou do. and I find that I shall have io put her at the head of the department. though I fear it will be rather unpleasant for you to be under her orders. Clerk —Oh no, I am getting used to that. We were married last spring. 4> A Wise Purchase. Jones and his wife were talking about the remarkable discoveries in King Tutankhamen’s tomb. “Isn't it wonderful, my dear!” said Jones. “They actually found in tha tomb couches and chairs thirty, centuries old and in good condition. “Well.” replied the wife. “I’ve always said it pays in the long run to buv the best.” «> €• ♦ After All That “And at her request you gave up drinking!” “Yes.” “And you stopped smoking for the same reason !’ ’ “I did.” “And it was for her that you gave up dancing, card parties, and billiards?” 4 4 Absolutely. ’ ’ “Then why didn’t you marry her!” “Well, after all this reforming, I realised I could do better.” <s>

Bringing in the Ocean Every speaker at the dinner had advertised the town. The speakers all said that had the town been on the coast it would have been the world’s first city. A visiting speaker was called on next. ‘‘Gentlemen,” he said, “I am impressed by your town as much as you are, and believe I can suggest a way in which you can get your wish.” All leaned forward, and he added —“This is what you should do. Obtain a large pipe, run it from yoru town to the ocean, and if you can suck as hard as you can blow, the ocean will soon be alongside. ❖ Not Enough of It. A gentleman driving home on a very wet night wished to give the taxidriver something to keep out the cold. Finding nothing at home but a liquerstand with its tiny glasses, he filled up one and handed it to the driver, remarking, “You’ll think none the worse of this because it was made by the holy monks.” “Bless the holy monks,” exclaimed the driver, as he drained the glass; “it’s themselves that can make good liquer, but the man that blew that glass was very short of breath. ’ ’ <£> «> Hard on Him. A tourist in Scotand came to a wide ferry. It was stormy, and the wind was constantly increasing. The Scottish ferryman agreed to take the tourist across, but told him to wait until he had first taken a cow across. When he returned and started across with the traveller, the latter became curious. “Will you tell me why you took the cow across and made me wait!” he asked. “Wecl, now.” exclaimed the ferryman, “you see the coo wur valuable, and I feared the wind wud increase so the boat might upset on the second trip! ” Clever of Him. A clerk on a holiday excursion was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and, feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer: — “I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out longest to have the whole ffnd treat the company.” “I’ll do it,” said one of the farmers present. The swell dropped in a 10s Treasury note. The countryman followed with a sixpence. “Go on,” said the swell “I can’t,” said the farmed; “so you take the whole and treat the company.”