WHAT IS GOLF?

Wairarapa Times-Age, 3 April 1940, Page 9

WHAT IS GOLF?

PLEASURE OR INCURABLE RASH? EXPERIENCES OF AMERICAN OPENING OF LOCAL SEASON. In view of the opening of the golf season in Masterton, a recent article in “Golf," an American journal, may be of interest. Rube Goldberg writes as follows: — Here is the subject of the thesis 1 have to lay before the dean of the College of Relaxation: "Is golf a pleasure or an incurable rash?” I shall cite my own case, for instance, as I am a great, believer in the theory that we have no one to blame for misfortune but ourselves. Several years ago I did not know a mashie from a banana sundae. I had never set foot upon the fair green, and I was utterly free from caddie trouble. I was as innocent and happy as a new-born giraffe. Nothing irritated me. I could ride in the New York subway from the Battery to Bronx Park with 37 elbows pressing against my ribs, and 55 bags of herrings caressing my nose, and smile.

Today the light of happiness is nowhere to be seen in the contour of my deep-lined features. Why? I took up golf. Never mind who talked me into it. He’s more miserable than I am. He knows more about the game. The amount of unhappiness you get out of golf is in direct proportion to the knowledge you have of the game. The more, you know, the worse you feel. I am still a dub, so at least remember that there is such a thing as a sun and that Charlie Chaplin still makes big money making people laugh. FIRST SHORT TROUSERS. The first intimation that all is not going to be as snappy and delightful as you expected comes when you put on your first pair of short golf trousers and stand in front of the mirror. Luckily, you kid yourself into blaming it upon your imagination. You are sure your legs were never that shape. You had recently seen Charley Bone, the living skeleton in the circus, and you had him on the brain. Of course you don’t look like that! The next blow comes when you steal a look around the locker room and see the oddest-looking things running back and forth from the shower-bath without a stitch of clothing on. You thought golf was played by the better class of people. Could these animated cartoons belong to the American aristocracy of sport? WAITING TO DRIVE. As you walk toward the first tee, you spot old Joe Marmelade standing on the left side waiting his turn to drive. You recall the old saying that good fellowship is the essence of sport. Everything will be great from now on. You are among friends. You rush up, slap Marmelade on the back of his 22-dollar sweater coat and yell at the top of your voice, “Hello, Joe. How’s the boy?” Before the echo of the last word has had a chance to hit the side of the club-house 15 feet away, you know you have committed treason, grand larceny, mayhem, sorcery, arson and murder in the first degree. A man with whiskers, who is standing at the tee ready to drive, gives you a look that shrivels you up to the size of a German mark. Anything but a nasty look from a guy with whiskers! Even your pal Marmelade. the man whose father picked prunes with your father out in California back in the early 'fifties turns away in disgust. You look out of the corner of your eye and see your caddie whispering with another ffecklfed. hyena. You are the prize boobYou can't turn back now. On the verandah overlooking the tee your wife is telling another lady how easily you pick up new games. Besides, don’t doctors and nurses say one gets hardened to scenes of suffering. You are the principal character in the scene, and you may as well let the hardening process start immediately. Someone Watching. Ah, it is jour turn to drive. Suddenly you realise there is someone watching you. In fact, there is quite a crowd watching you. They must have sent out invitations for the affair. The whole membership of the club seems to be standing there. Everybody in the world is there. No one bats an eyelash. No one moves. No one smiles. "Who died?” you ask yourself. But whj- should you worry? Haven’t you memorised all the rules of the game and mastered the theory of golf? Let ’er go! There’s nothing to it after all; hold the head down, follow through, don’t drop the right shoulder, change the weight of the body from one foot to the other, don't press, keep your eye on the ball, and all the rest. It’s a cinch.

Zam! Hurray, you did it. As luck would have it you hit the ball right square on the nose. You could tell by the click it was a wonderful shot. You did not forget a single thing the instructor told you the day before. “All Over the Place.” But where is the caddie walking? Sure enough, the funeral directors were right. You were the corpse and didn't know it. The caddie stops rignt in the middle of the Argonne Forest 27 feet six inches away from the tee. and points. Sure enough, it's your ball. There are your initials in the northeast corner. And so on down through the 18 holes, misery, pain, anguish, dishonesty and darkness! So this is golf! No more for you. Pinochle is- the thing. But what happens the following week and the week after that and the week after that?

There you are cursing ancl fuming and slicing all over the place. And if you miss a Sunday you are more miserable off tin? links than on the links. All of which may prove that golf is an incurable rash. If itches forever!

EXHIBITION MATCHES BRITISH PROFESSIONALS. Leading professional golfers in Groat Britain are playing exhibition matches and in the first three months of the war nearly £4.000 was raised for the Red Cross by Henry Cotton. Describing one match the British publication ‘'Golfing," states: "Anti-aircraft gun? were barking and bursts of shrapnel were punctuating the air around a raiding Nazi aeroplane as the Red Cross match at Barnton was about to start. Henry Cotton paused in the act of addressing his ball and glanced skywards with the expression of one who has had to speak to spectators about

this sort of thing before, and then proceeded to hit a perfect drive down the middle of the fairway as the noise of firing faded down the breeze." Cotton was on the winning side in both the matches played that day. In the morning ho was partnered by Hugh Watt, the local professional in a fourball against James Adams and .lack McLean, and Cotton and Watt won by 3 and 2. A change of partners for another four-bait in the afternoon resulted in Cotton and McLean defeating Adams and Watt by 2 and 1. This Edinburgh exhibition was the best of all from the point of view of the amount collected for the Red Cross fund. The "gate" was over £5OO, and Cotton auctioned the golf balls used by the four players for £95 15s. bringing the total receipts up to £606. Other golfers have followed Cotton's example and the open champion. R. Burton, the amateur champion. A. Kyle, and W. Shankland, are among others who are helping to raise funds. Shankland is better known as an Australian Rugby peague three-quarter. He twice returned to Britain as a mem - ber of Australian teams before accepting a professional engagement with the Warrington Rugby League team. Later he succeeded Percy Allis as golf professional at Temple Newsam. He performed well in last year's open championship at St Andrew’s, as he tied, with four others, for third place.

CLUB OPENINGS MAHUNGA THIS SATURDAY. The official opening of the Mahunga Golf Club's season will take place on Saturday, at 1.30 p.m. The links are in good order, although rain would be appreciated. A mixed foursome, for which partners will be arranged on the links, will be played. Members of other clubs are .invited to take part in the opening day proceedings.

RIVERSIDE. GREEN TOP-DRESSED. The greens on the Riverside Golf Club's links have been top-dressed in readiness for the opening of the sea-

son on April 13. The links are looking exceptionally’ well for this time of the year while the membership is being well maintained. MASTERTON. QUIET OPENING DAY, The Masterton Golf Club's season, which was opened last Saturday without the customary official ceremony, which was cancelled on account of the death of the Prime Minister, promises to be a most successful one. The links are in good shape and the club membership includes several new players of some ability.