CONFESSIONS

Wairarapa Times-Age, 1 March 1940, Page 9

CONFESSIONS

(By John Barrymore.) When I was five years old I bought my teacher a big. red apple: she took it. I cried for two days, but I still trust women. When they find the arms of the Venus of Milo, they will discover boxing gloves on the hands. Any time I felt like walking in the rain, one of my wives stopped me. The ideal wife would have stopped the rain. The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. I am not concerned with the age of woman puts down on the marriage license. Ninon de I’Enclos vamped ’em at 90. Only a scoundrel would count the rings under a lady’s eyes. When a woman lands a man, she also captures him spiritually. She should not caper or whoop as if she is landing a trout. There is no particular camaraderie or understanding between a woman and a trout. They call me the Great Profile. Well, whenever you hear of anything headon it is usually a collision. My dear old grandmother, bless her. was married four times and was happy every other time. I would rather walk with the right woman in thistles than be chased by the wrong one through clover. I detest a woman with a voice like a pine knot in a sawmill. When a woman —the wrong woman —leaves you she has opened the door and set you free. The only time I ever proposed on the stage was in “Richard the Third" when I made passionate love to a lady beside the coffin of her husband. As I had just murdered the gentleman in the horizontal telephone booth, it was an interesting situation. And the only time that three wasn't a crowd. Certainly. 1 have a temper. Nobody

ever said the Barrymores were bookends. The modern definition of a gentleman is a bridge expert- who kicks his wife under the table where it doesn't show. Paper serviettes never return from a laundry nor love from a trip to the law courts. In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone. But sometimes it's a great relief. I have never looked for the one woman in a million. My average is five cut of ten.