VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 47, 25 November 1867, Page 3

VARIETIES.

If the ants give an example of industry, it is much more than a good many uncles do. A New York publican announces his establishment in this way: “Insurance against thirst at fixed premiums, payable in cash." A journeyman blacksmith says he has been striking for hire wages these twenty years, with uniform success. Many seek solace for their troubles in the gay French captital. They think the best plaster for their wounds is the plaster of Paris.

A gentleman recently received an unpaid letter (for which the postman charged him twopence) commencing, “Sir, your letter of yesterday bears upon its face the stamp of falsehood.” His answer was brief and to the purpose: “ Sir, I only wish your letter of yesterday bore upon its face a stamp of any , kind.” “Now, gents,” saida Yankee at dinner, “guess I’ll show you comethin’ that no critter in this room ever seed afore, and not a critter livin’ ever will sec again. D'ye bet ?” The bet was made, and the Yankee took a nut of: the dessert plate, and, cracking it, held up the kernel between his fingers and thumb. “Now, gents, I calculate non of yer ever seed tha kernel afore, and (swallowing it) I guess youT never see it again. Please fork out." A women wishing to test her husband'' feelings towards her, had it given out, whe: he was coming home from a journey, that sh was dead, to see how he would act. He too' the matter very cooly; whereupon, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at wide: - he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeare-I alarmed. A person by said, “ Why. sir, yoseem more afraid now than before!" —“Av," replied he, “ most men are more afraid of a living wife than a dead one.” If a young woman bids you take heart, yon can probably take hers. A little man in the west of Maryland rushc' 1 to the Potomac River, last summer, swearin that he would drown himself. When he hr -; waded into the depth of his wasit, his wi; who had followed him, seized him by the hair, and led him back to a place where the watc - was about two feet deep, where she pulled hi: ■ over backward, sousing his head under, am then pulled his head up again, loudly exclaim • ing, “ Drown yourself (down he went), leaving me to keep the children (another plung get drunk (another souse), and start for thriver (another dip). Better use the water instead of gin (another dip and a shake of 1m head)! I’ll teach you to leave me a widow After sousing him to her hearts • content, sh ; l<?d him out a wetter, if not a wiser man, ami, escorting him to the house, shut the door. Califoexian Style,—Not Jong since, r German was riding along Sansome Strec near Sacramento, when he heard a pistol-(hn: behind him, and then the whizzing of a ba: near him, and felt his hat shake, He turnc and saw a man with a revolver in his ham and took off his hat and found a hulkt-hol in it. “Did you shoot at me ?” asked th German.—“ Yes,” replied the ether part} “ that’s my horse; it was stolen from me re cently.”—“You muSthe mistaken;” said th - German; “*I have owned the horse,for three jeers.”—“Well," said Abe other, “when x come to look at him, J believe; I amjnißtakeu,