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Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 37, 16 September 1867, Page 3

“How many kind of axes arc there?" inquired a schoolmaster of one of his pupils: “ The broad ax, narrow ax, iron ax, steel ax, ax of the apostles, and ax my father!” replied the boy with rapidity. Sarah, Duchess" of Marlborough, once pressing the Duke to take some "medicine, with her usual warmth said, “ ill be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr Garth who was present, exclaimed, “ Do then take it mv Lord Duke, for it must he of service one wav or another.”

A woman having married unhappily, went to an old maid, who had been an intimate friend of her girlhood, and poured out her sorrow without reserve. “I am sorry you got married.—“ Thank yon!” rgtorteil the wife; “ but I would have you know that my husband is better than none"at all.” A shopkeeper purchased of an Irishwoman a quantity of butter, the lumps of which, intended for pounds, he weighed in the balance and found wanting. “Sure its your own fault if they are light,” said lliddv in answer to the complaints of the buyer; its your own fault, sir; for was’ut it with a pound of your own soap I bought here myself that I weighed them with.”

“ Barber,” said a farmer to his tonsor,” now wheat's cheap you ought to shave for halfprice.”—“ Can’t, Mr Jones,” said the man of razors. “I ought really to charge more, for when wheat’s down farmers make such long faces that I have twice the ground togo over.” A Difference— “A dozen children may seem a large family to some folks, who are moderate,” remarked Mrs Partington, “hj it my poor husband used to tell a story of a woman in some part of the world, whe c hj i stopped one night, who had nineteen children in five years, or five in nineteen years, I don’t recollect which, hut I remember" it was one or the t’other.”

Absence or Mtxn.—The effect of absence of mind is well exemplified in an;n fident which happened some time since to a well-known gentleman of Magdalen College, Cambridge, lie had taken his watch from his pocket mark the time he intended to boil an egg for his breakfast, when a friend entering his room found him absorbed in some abstruse (a'cnlrtion, with the egg in his hand, upon which he was looking intently, and the watch aupplvin" - its place in the saucepan of boiling water. “ ° Woman’s Wit.— A confessor asking, through curiosity, one of his penitents, after confession what was her name ? she answered with modest wit, “ Father, my name is not a sin !” The Lawyer Keeps His Word.—A lawyer promised to an employer, who was falsely accused, that he should make him appear as white as snow. The client, ilattcred by this, paid the lawyer so liberally, that be had nothing left; and after all was condemned to make the “ amende honorable ” in bis shirt The lawyer standing by when he was in this situation, he called to him, that lie had deceived him. “ No,” answered the lawyer ; “ I have kept my word, for you are now as white as snow.”

Curran was one day engaged in a case ia which he had for a colleague a remarkably tall gentlcmmnn, who had originally intended to take orders. Thejudge observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with, 1 can refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter ' fbrjjthe steeple.”