VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 28, 15 July 1867, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A policeman ordered Michael Keegan, of Albany, whom he discovered in the gutter, very drunk, to get up, and go home.— •* Civil a whit,” says Mike ; “ if you want me home, carry me there.”

Paddy was all Right. —“ Why do you drive such a pitiful-looking carcass as that ? Why don’t you yut a heavier coat of flesh on him, Pat ?”—“ A heavier coat of flesh ! By the powers, the poor creature can hardly carry what little there is on him now !”

Rosy Children and Yellow Boys.— “ Oh, Mr. Grabbles," exclaimed a young mother, “ shouidn’t you like to have a family of rosy children about your knee ?”—“ Np, ma’am,” said the disagreeable old bachelor ; “ I’d rather have a lot of ‘ yellow boys’ in my pocket.”

Thunder. —Stopping at a village inn, there came a thunder-storm, and Captain Hall, surprised that a new country should have reached a perfection in those meteorological manufactures, said to a bystander, “Why, you have very heavy thunder here.”—“ Well, yes,” replied the man, “ we du, considering the number of inhabitants."

Irish, Surely. A gentleman, having built a large house, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His steward advised him to have a pit dug large enough to contain it. “ And what,” said the gentleman, smiling, “ shall I do with the earth which I dig up from it ?”—To which the steward, with great gravity, replied, “ Have the pit large enough to hold all.”

What he Said. — “ Well, ray child,” said a stern father to his little daughter, after church, “ what do you remember of all the preacher said ?”—“ Nothing, sir,” was the timid reply, —“ Nothing! ” said he, severely ; “now, remember, the next time you tell me something he says, or you must stay away from church.” The next Sunday she came home, her eyes all excitement.—“ I remember something,” said she.—“ Ah ! very glad of it,” replied the father ; “ what did he say ?”—“ He said, pa,” cried she, delightedly, “ a collection will now be taken up.”

A Strong Hint. - “ took out there 1 What are you kicking my dog for “ I’m kickin’ him ’cause he’s full ot fleas, and I don’t want to get ’em on my good clothes.”— “ Pleas, the deuce ! Why, that dog sleeps with me."—“ Yes, dam yon, I know it; and that’s whar he gets them.”