VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 24, 17 June 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES.

A Mercantile Pun.— A flock of birds flying over the heads of two City Merchants, one of them exclaimed, “How happy those creatures are! They have no acceptances to pay! are mistaken,” replied the other; theyhave their “bills” to provide for as well as we.” Babes.— Babes resemble wheat in many respects. Firstly neither are good for much till they arrive at maturity; secondly both are “ bred ” in the house, and are also the “flower” of the family! thirdly, both have to be “ cradled; ” fourthly, both are generally well “ thrashed ” before they are done with. The, Spirit op a Man.— Mr. Smith (of New York) was out hunting for a house for a friend, and called to see a family who were preparing to vacate a cosy dwelling. As the door stood open, he walked, in without knocking, and his eyes straightway lighted on the dame of the household, who was making frantic lunges with a broomstick it some object under the bed. “Good norning, madame,” he said. Ah! you have a troublesome cat under the bed ? ”—“ Troiblesome cat? N,o, sir ; it’s a pesky husband of mine; and I’ll have him out, or break every bone in his body!”—“ You will, eh?” said s taint voice under the bed. “ Now, Susy, you may pound and rave; but I’ll be dogged :f I'll come out from under this bed while I lave “ got the spirit of a men about me.” Curran’s Case. —Curran, on ore occasion was employed on behalf of the plaintiff in a case of assault. The plaintiff had ialled the defendant some ugly names, and hreatened him, and the defendant had taken the law into his own hands, and thrashed his'ppponent. Curran, however, would not hear of any palliating circumstances. The pkntiff had been struck by the defendant; no imtter what offence had been given, the defendant had no right to strike and abuse his ill-used client, &c. “Mr Curran,” said the judge, “ if a man met you in the street, called you a scoundrel, and spat in your face, what would you do?” “ What would Ido ?" said Curran. “ Bedad I’d knock him down as flat as a pancake!" It is almost unnecessary to say that the plaintiff lost his case.

Swallowing Poison. —A young, lady, rather given to gossiping, was in the habit of complaining of a bad taste in her mouth every morning. She consulted a physician on the matter. He told her it was because she went to bed every night with so much scandal in her mouth. “ Well, then, doctor,” said she, “if that is the case, I will be sure to let it all out before night hereafter." He Dinna Ken.— Old Lord Alphinstone was asleep at church, while the minister, a very prosy preacher, was holding forth. At length the parson stopped, and cried, “Waukin, my Lord Alphinstone." —A grunt and then, “ I’m no sleepm’, minister.”—“ But ye are sleepin’; I wager ye dinna ken what I, said last.”—“ Ye said, ‘ Waukin, my Lord Alphinstone.”—“ Aye, aye, but I wager ye dinna ken. what I said last afore that."—“ I wager ye dinna ken yoursel.” Good Night. —A Spanish gentleman, who had but one eye, used to frequent the tenniscourt, whenever any match of skill was played there. One day the ball was so violently struck against the other eye, as in a moment to deprive him of the use of it. He bowed to the company, and without apparent emotion left the court, saying, “ Buneas noches (good night), gentlemen.’