VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 23, 8 June 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES.

Pleasant Quarters !—A letter from a Brazilian officer describes some of the beauties of soldiering in South America; “ Amphibious creatures abound. In my own tent I have already killed four snakes. Every morning I find myself accompanied by a body-guard of fifteen or twenty monstrous toads, which have quietly spent the night under the corners of the hides that serve me as bed. Enormous alligators promenade regually every night from lake to lake. In a major’s tent, the other day, one was killed that measured about six feet in length, and an unfortunate Brazilian soldier was unexpectedly taken off his legs by one of these horrible monsters, and carried into the nearest lake. The Five Cradles. — A man who had been drinking rather more than -was good for him, decided to attempt gaining his bed without disturbing his wife and provoking a lecture. He reached the door of his room, and after ruminating a few moments on the matter, thought, if he could reach the bedpost and hold on to that while he slipped off his apparel the feat would be accomplished. Unfortunately for his scheme, a cradle stood in a direct line with the bedpost, about the middle of the floor. Of course, -when his shins came in contact with it, he pitched over, and npon gaining an erect position, ere an equilbrium was established he w'cnt over it backwards, in an equally summary manner, again he struggled to his feet, and bent foremost over the bower of infant happiness. At length, with the fifth fall, his patience became exhausted, and the obstacle was yet to he overcome, In desperation he cried out to his sleeping partner, “Wife! wife! how many cradles have you got in the house? I’ve fallen over five, and here’s another before me!” Sailors Yarns. —Two sailors, being in company together, were relating the most remarkable incidents that had happened in their voyages. One said they found it so hot going to Guinea, that they used no fire to boil their kettle, but dressed all their meat above deck, in the sunshine; and could bake, boil, fry, or stew, as well as at a large fire. The other said, “ I never was in so hot a climate as that; but I’ve been many degrees to the northwards, where it was so cold that it froze our words in our mouths, so that we could not hear one another speak till we came into a wanner latitude to thaw them; and then all our discourses broke out together, like a clap of thunder; there never was such a confusion of tongues heard at Babel.” A Cute Miser. —A gentleman called on a rich mWer, and found him at the table endeavouring to catch a fly. Presently he succeeded in entrapping one, which he immediately put into the sugar-bowl, and shut down the cover. The gentleman asked for an explanation of this singular sport. “I’ll tell you,” replied the miser,” a triumphant grin overspreading his countenance as he spoke, “ I want to ascertain if the servants steal the sugar.” a leaf from a modern dictionary. Water—A clear fluid, once used as a drink. Honesty—An excellent joke. Rural Felicity—Potatoes and turnips. Tongue—A little horse that is continually running away. Dentist—One who finds work for his own teeth by taking out those of other people. My Dear—An expression used by man and wife at the commencement of a quarrel. Policeman—A man employed by the corporation to sleep in the open air. Bargain—A ludicrous transaction, in which each party thinks he has cheated the other. Doctor—A man who kills you to-day to save you from dying to-morrow. Author—A dealer in words, who often gets Daid in his own coin. Friend—A person who will not assist you before he knows your love will excuse him. Bonnet —The female head-dress for the front seats of the opera, Esquire—Everybody, yet nobody, equal to colonel. Jury—Twelve prisoners in a box to try one or more at the bar. State Evidence—A wretch who is pardoned for being baser than his comrades. Public Abuse—The mud with which every traveller is spattered on the road to destruction. Modesty—A beautiful flower that flourishes in secret places. Lawyer—A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemy, and keeps it himself. The Grave—An ugly hole in the ground which lovers and poets wish they wore in, but take uncommon means to keep out ofit. Money the god of the nineteenth century.