VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 20, 18 May 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES.

An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, the gentleman civilly said to him. “Paddy, are you not very wet?” “ Arrah! I don’t care about being very wet, but please yer honour, I’m very dry.”

Quick Witted.— An Irishman, says the Edinburgh Courant, having accidentally broken a paneinawindowofahouse in Queen Street, attempted as fast as he could to get out of the way, when he was followed by the proprietor, and seized, who exclaimed, “ \ou broke my window, fellow, did you not ?”—“ To be sure I did,” said Pat, “ and did’nt you see me running home for the money'to pay for

A Good Reason for Marrying.— Of all the sincere admirers I ever knew (says a wag, in one of Goldsmith’s essays) a man of my acquaintance was the most so. An old exciseman of our town, who, as you may guess, was not very rich, had a daughter who, as you shall see, was not very handsome. It was the opinion of every body that this young woman would not soon be married,'as she wanted two main articles, beauty and fortune. But for all this, a very well-looking man that happened to be travelling those parts, came to ask the excise man for his daughter in marriage. The exciseman, willingly to deal openly by him, asked If he had seen the girlfor,’ says he, she is ‘ humpbacked.’ 1 Very well/' cried the stranger,‘that will do for me.’ ‘ Ay,’ says the exciseman, ‘ but my daughter'is •as brown as a berry.’ I So much the better,’ cried the stranger, c such skins wear well.’ ‘ But she is bandy-legged/ says the exciseman. *No matter/ cries the other, c her petticoats will hide that defect.’ ‘ But then she is very poor, and wants an eye.’ ‘ Your description delights me/ replied the stranger; ‘ I have been long looking out for ene of her make; for I keep an exhibition of wild beasts, and intend to show her off for a female ourangoutang.’

Judge Jeffreys.— Judge Jeffreys taking a dislike to a man who had a long beard, he told him, ‘ that if his conscience was as long- as his beard, he had a swinging one.’ To which the fellow replied, i My lord, if you measure consciences by beards, you have none at all.’

Death Comparative.— An ironmonger who keptashopin theHighstreet of Edinburgh, and sold gunpowder and shot, when asked by an ignorant person in what respect patent shot (at that time a novel article) surpassed the old kind, i Oh, sir/ he would answer, ‘it shoots deader.’

Courtship in Church.—A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which was a young lady, for whom he conceived a most sudden and violent passion, felt desirous of entering into courtship on the spot; but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency suggested the following plan;—He politely handed his fair neighbour a bible, open, with a pin stuck in the following text:—2d Epistle oi John, verse sth—“ and now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee,but that which we had from the beginning-, that we love one another.” She returned it with the following 2d chap, of Ruth, 10th v.— “ Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him why have I grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldst take notice of me, seeing I am a stranger ?” He returned the book, pointing to the 12 th verse of the 3d Epistle of John;—“ Having many things to write unto you, I would not write' with paper and ink; but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face.” From the above interview, the marriage took place the ensuing week.

The Torn. of an Ass.—When the late Lord Kaimes went to Aberdeen, as a judge upon the circuit, he took up his quarters at a good tavern, and being fatigued and pensive after his dinner, he inquired of the landlord if there was any learned man in the neighbourhood who could favour him with his company over a glass of wine. The landlord answered that the professor of mathematics lived close by; and the Lord of Session sent his compliments. The professor was not only eminent in his science, butofvarioue and lively conversation, though he had the defect of La Fontaine and Thomson, both great poets—that of a stupid and appearance, before it became enlivened by wine or company. After a respectful bow, he took his seat and looked at the fire, quite immersed in some problem he had left. Two glasses of wine were filled and drunk in complete silence. Lord Kaimes, to begin the conversation said, “I have just passed your new bridge, wholly constructed of white granite. It is truly a magnificent piece of architecture. What may have been the cost ?” Can’t say,” was the dry answer of our mathematician, who still "looked at the fire. My lord, surprised and piqued, said, “ I saw a board put up up of all the tolls to be paid by carriages and animals. Will you be* so good as to inform me what is the toll of an ass ?” The professor, as if awaking from a dream, quickly retorted, “ I do not pretend to know; but when your lordship repasses, the toll-gatherer cannot fail to inform you.” Our learned learned judge starting up, and taking him by the. hand, exclaimed. “ You are my man !” and they began* long and animated conversation.

■ Caution to Mothers, —The ‘Go-the-whole-hog Mercury’ says :—“ We feel happy in stating- that the spider, which ran off, on Thui’sday sennight, with the infant son of Mrs. W ,of Broom-lodge, has just been shot by Major Bounce in the act of securing a racoon in its wily meshes, and is now ih Mr. Adam’s Collection, No. 5, Walker Street. The interesting child, with the exception of a few scratches from the claws of the monster, was restored uninjured to its anxious mother. Really this should be a warning to parents, the tender objects of whose affections are apt to wander from the paternal roof without their knowledge. This spider was of the Tarantula species, and we are informed by a friend who saw it, that it measured thirteen inches round the waist.”

Tom Brown says, “A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she’s sure of him.”