Miscellaneous.

Wairoa Bell, Volume V, Issue 200, 2 June 1893, Page 7

Miscellaneous.

Twenty million acres of the land of the United States are held by Englishmen. The finger—nails grow between one and a half and two inches in length yearly. An Irishman who had blistered his fingers by endeavouring to draw on a pair of new boots exclaimed, ‘ I shall never get them on at all until I have worn them a day or two.’ A French marquis was riding out one day when he passed an old priest trotting along contentedly on a quiet donkey, ‘ Ha ! ha !’ exclaimed the marquis, ‘ how goeth the ass, good father ?’ ‘ On horseback, my son, on horseback 1’ promptly replied the priest. In one cf the earliest trials before a coloured jury in Texas, the twelve gentlemen were told by the judge to ‘ retire and find a verdict.’ They went into the jury-room, whence the opening an I shutting of doors and other sounds of unusual commotion were presently heard. At last the jury came back into court, when the foreman announced •- ‘ We have looked everywliar, judge, tor dat verdict —in de drawers and behind de doahs, but it ain’t nowhar in dat blessed room. Mr Gough and the Barber —Mr Gough went to have his hair cut at Liverpool, on the day before he left England, and in preparation for his last English lecture. He told the barber where he was going, but not who he was. ‘ You’ll have John B. Gough for your fellow passenger,’ said the barber ; how do you like him ? ’ ‘ I don’t think much of him,’ replied Mr

Gough. ‘ I am going to hear him to night,’ said the barber, and I wonder you do not like him.’ ‘ I did not say I did not like him,’ said Mr Gough. ‘ What sort of map is he ? ’ inquired the barber, ‘ Very ordinary looking,’ replied Mr Gough. ‘ What’s his size ? ’ ‘ About my size,’ ‘Do you know him ? ’ demanded the barber. ‘ Tolerably well,’ said Mr Gough. So the conversation went on, and at its close Mr Gough introduced himself. At first the barber was confused, but. recovering himself, he shouted, ‘ ’Enery, sweep up all this ’air, and take care of it.’ ‘ Whew ! Coming up these stairs takes the wind out of me,’ lemarks a gentleman who climbs to our editorial rooms to give advice gratis. ‘So glad,’ says the editor, shaking him by the hand, and the gentleman thinks the editor is delighted to see him. When dogs die do they go to the ‘ happy land of canine ’ The most eloquent preacher in Canada is Dr George Douglas, wvo is stone blind and partly paralysed ; he has entirely lest the use of his hands and arms, and they fall helpless in front of him When lie is in the pulpit he stands perfectly still, and to a stranger, would appear to be half dead. Nature has given us two ears, and but one tongue, in order that we may repeat hut one half of what we hear. ‘ Say, Ciesar Augustus, why am your legs like an organ grinder ?’ ‘ Don’t know, Julius Hannibal; why is they?’ ‘Cos they carry a monkey about the streets.’ ‘ Well, Major, how did you enjoy your African trip ? How did you like the savages ?’ Major : ‘ Oh, t'n v are extremely kind-hearted—they wanted to keep me there for dinner,'" An Irish lover remarked that it is a great pleasure to be alone— 1 especially win. yer swateheart is wid ye.’ ‘ Nominate your poison,’ is the poetical way they have in Indiana of asking yon, ‘ What will you drink ?’ HOW TO DEPEND YOURSELF. ‘ Have you ever studied the art of selfdefence ?’ said a young fellow to a man of magnificent physique and noble bearing. The older man looked at his questioner with a quiet smile, and then answered ; ‘ Yes ; I have both studied and practiced it.’ ‘Ah !’ said the other, eagerly, ‘ whose system did you adopt ?’ • Solomon’s was the reply ; ‘ and as I have been in training for some time on his principles, 1 can confidently recommend his system ’ Somewhat abashed, the youth stammered out : ‘ Solomon’s ! And what is the special point of Ids system of training ?’ ‘ Briefly thfo*,’ replied the other. ‘ A soft answer turneth away wrath.’ THE GREATER INCLUDES THE LESS. Curran, whose diminutive stature is well known, and was the subject of so many jokes by him and at him, once had an animated dispute with a large stout brother at the bar, and called him out. The large man objected on the gronnd that the match was unfair, ‘ You are so little,’ said the objecting counsel, ‘ that I n ight fire at you a dozen times without ever touching you once ; whereas the chance is that you shoot me at the first, lire.’ ‘To convince you,’ said Curran, ‘ that I have no wish to take any advantage of you, you shall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits beyond the ring shall go for nothing , WHY PIC NIGS ARE SO-CALLED. Everbodjr knows what a pic-nic is, but most folk would find it hard to say how it got that name, and yd if i» simple enough when you come to learn it. When a picnic is IK .eg arranged fo.i, the custom was originally that those who intended to be present s'-onld supply the eatables an ’ drinkables, A list of those ivccssar.es having been drawn up it was passed round, and each person picked out the article of food or drink that he or she was willing to furnish, and the name of the article was nicked, or ticked off the list. Tlv open air entertainment thus became known as a ‘ pick and nick.’ The eusomi is said to date from 1802, so that the picnic is wholly an institution of the nineteenth century. As started, it must have strongly resembled what is now called a ‘ surprise party,’