The Story Seller.

Wairoa Bell, Volume V, Issue 192, 7 April 1893, Page 7

The Story Seller.

THE VENTILATING HAT

I had got so t e very bottom :>f S iud der. Never mind how I go l th re, or why I got there ; that’s my business, and it doesn’t concern you in the least. But J was earning my living all the same, and earning it honestly. The fact is, L was a peripatetic advertisement at the time—a sandwich man—there’s nothing like calling a spade a spade. Eighteen-p nice a day is not much ; it is possible to live on it, with economy. But below the lowest ro'iud of the social ladder, which I had reached, there is a land in which I had never at yet sojourned—that is, the casual ward of the British workhouse.

And now, here I was with eighteen pence, my day’s earnings, between me and the casual ward. And within twenty-four hours that eighteen-pence of mine would assuredly disappear, and unless I got work of some sort, to the casual ward 1 must go. I and a gentleman in a position similar to my own were talking matters over. ‘ Things is very black, governor,’ said he to me ; ‘ if we was a bit sickly looking like, we might sell our trottcr-cnses and start the starving British workman as has just come out of’orspital. But we’re too wellfed, we are, worse luck. I think T shall go into the country and do a hit of hopping till business is brisker ; what do you say, mate ?’ But I didn’t care for hopping. I hate the country, and I resolved at all hazards to stop in town. ‘There is one game you might i ry,’ said my acquaintance, with a benignant smile, ‘and that’s Wilkins, the ventilating hatter. But you can’t keep on with that long, you know ; it’s ruin to the constitution,’ Anything was better to my mind than the casual ward, so I asked for Wilkins’s address.

• Oh, you can’t miss it,’ was the answer, ‘you just walk down Sh reditch, there’s always a crowd outside Wilkins’s shop, and all you’ve got to do is to ask bold-like for Wilkins ; and when you secs him you just ups and says, ‘ I’d like to be in the way of earning a honest ’alf-crown, sir.’ Then he’ll put you in the way at wunst ’ Then my friend nodded, and took his de—parture^ Next day I started off for Shoreditch at the comfortable pace usually adopted by the society flaneur and the gentleman of the profession to which for the moment I belonged—l mean, of coarse, the sandwich men, 1 arrived at Shoreditch. I wasn’t long in finding Wilkins’s ; there was a crowd in front of the window. In the window were hundreds of hats ; every one of them had a ticket bearing the same legend, ‘ Wilkins’s ventilating hat,’ then followed the price. At first I didn’t see any particular reason for the crowd, which was staring into Mr Wilkins’s window with astonishment mingled with delight; but I gradually elbowed my way to the front row, and then I perceived what was the nature ofihe exhibition that gave so much pleasure to the inhabitants of Shoreditch. In the centre of the array of hats were two human heads, which were protruded through two artfully constructed holes in the polished mahogany which for ned the flooring of the shop front. Each head was covered by what appeared lo bean ordinary tall hat. The head of the right had a large window ticket behind it, on which were the following words : ‘ Wilkins’s Ventilating Hat. Perfect comfort. No suffering from heat for want of ventilation. The wearer of this article enjoys life. The head is human, there is no deception. The only establishment in which Wilkins’s Ventilating Hat may be obtained, ‘lt comes as a boon and a blessing to men,’ ’ There was a similar ticket behind the head on the left.

‘ The ordinary silk hat. Observe liow the unfortunate wearer suffers from the heat. Poor fellow ! he evidently wishes himself dead. The common unventilated liat of commerce is a fiendish invention, worthy of tbe atrocities of the worst day 3 of the Spanish Inquisition. The wearer of an unventilated hat is hurrying to an early grave. The head is human, there is no deception.’ I noticed that the mahogany planking of the shop front below the heads was per - forated with innumerable small holes ; then I observed that there was a very great difference in tbe appearance of the

aces of those wearing the hats. The gentlemen wearing Wilkins’s ventilating h-i. ked the picture of contentment. He m d s ! as if he had attained the boa He was evidently very comfortable indeed. The other head p osenied a. striking contrast. Never till now had I th least idea that such dreadful effects were produced by the wearing of an unventilated hat, The face was as pale as death ; a cold perspirat on seemed to trickle from every pore. The mouth was set, as though in agony, and all through an unventilated hat. 1 went away to a neighbouring cook-shop to get a bit of dinner, When I came back lo the hatter’s window, there were two fresh human heads in it ; there evidently was no deception, and the tin ventilated hat was producing the same dreadful effect upon a totally different victim. I was puzzled ; there was a mystery somewhere ! I determined to unravel it, and I boldly entered the shop. ‘ What can I show you, sir ?’ said an assistant, with excessive urbanity. ‘ Well, I want to see Mr Wilkins,’ I replied. ‘ That is Mr Wilkins,’ said the man, indicating a portly and benevolent looking gentleman in a black silk waistcoat. • What can 1 do for you V said Mr Wilkins. ‘ I’d like to be in tlia way of earning an honest half-crown, sir,’ I replied. ‘ Very good, my man,’ said Mr Wilkins, with a smile. ‘ Is there a vacancy to-day, Boldger?’ said Mr Wilkins, turning to a foreman. ‘ Yes, sir ; certainly, sir,’ replied the man. We shall be ready for the man in about twenty minutes.’ ‘ Been here before, my man.’ said Mr Wilkins to me, not unkindly. ‘ .Not I,’ I replied, ‘ Then you’d better put him through the mill, Boldger,’ said Mr Wilkins to the foreman. ‘ Step this way, young man,’ said the foreman. I followed him into a lavatory. ‘ There you are,’ lie said. ‘ You’re in luck, young man,’ lie went on; ‘ half a crown for wearing a new hat for three hours is good pay. You’ll be on at three, and you’ll be off at six. This gentleman is waiting his turn,’ he added : ‘ he is one of our regulars.’ ‘ The ‘ gentleman ’ who was waiting his turn was a tatterdemalion wretch, hut his neck and face had been carefully washed, and bis hair well combed and brushed. I had washed my face and brushed my hair, and in my heart 1 thought that to wear an unventilated hat oven for three whole hours couldn't be so dreadful a punishment after all. I had reckoned without my host ‘ This way gentlemen, if you please,’ said the hatter’s assistant, as he motioned us to follow him through a door leading towards the basement. At the end of the basement was a sort of little room wish a sloping roof : it was exactly under the shop-front. Side by-side were two easy chairs, beneath each of which was a winch for raising or lowering the chair to any required height. My companion took his seat at once ; he was evidently used to the ways of the place; then the assistant strapped him in by means of two thick leather bunds with massive buckles, one at the neck and the other at the wa : st. Then the shopman opened the little trap-door, some twelve inches square, in the low, sloping roof of the apartment, and worked away actively at the winch. The chair slowly rose, and the head of its occupant disappeared through the little trap-door, to the shoulders. Then a man turned a large tap, which was affixed to the back of che chair, and motioned me to take my seat in the other one ‘ Why do you strap us in ?’ I said to the man, as I took my seat, ‘ You’ll know why, governor, by the time you’ve earned that half-a—crown,’ said the man, with a malignant grin. ‘ Now look here,’ he continued, ‘ if you want to sneeze, or cough, or anything, get it done now. And don’t you go a-larfing or laiking with the boys at the window ; if you do it will be deducted foi.’ Then he began to wind me up, and I made my first appearance in Mr Wilkins’s shop-front to a round of tumultuous applause from a crowd of idlers in the street, who stared into the shop windows, ’i hen somebody carefully put a hat on my head and gave it a knowing cock. Then the mahogany arrangement was drawn up close

to rny neck, and there I sat, perfectly com forta’ole staring at the crowd of idlers in the street. And then a draught of cool air began to flow through the holes that surrounded my neck. Mr Wilkins really took a wonderful amount of trouble to insure our comfort. At first tbe novelty of my situation entirely occupied my mind. I felt inclined to laugh when I thought of myself as a bodyless head, wearing a ventilated hat. The boys in the street, too, bobbed and bowed, and made grimaces at me. Then I took a look at my fellow victim out of the corner of my eye, lie was evidently already suffering from the effects of his unventilated hat. His teeth were tightly set; he looked anything but happy ; great drops of perspiration already stood upon his brow. I didn’t trouble myself very much about him. The time passed pleasantly enough, and I heard the clock of Shoreditch at length strike four- As it did so, I was startled to hear the wearer of the unventilated hat give a hollow groan. I looked at him once more out of the corner of my eye. He had become ghastly pale ; he looked as if he were melting gradually. In fact, the poor fellow seemed very ill indeed. Strange that a badly ventilated hat should produce such marked effects ! Well, it wasn’t my business. After a while the clock of Shoreditch Church struck half-past four. I heard footsteps in the room below, and at the same time I was deprived of my ventilating hat. A brand-new hat was placed upon my head, aud the show cards which stood behind our respective heads were exchanged. The draught of cool air which came through the innumerable small holes in the mahogany flooring around my neck suddenly ceased A current of heated air supplied its place. I looked out of the corner of my eye at the other head ; its face wore an ecstatic smile. Then an extraordinary thing took place. The easy chair in which I was sitting began to grow warm ; it then became actually hot—unpleasantly hot. I saw through the whole fiendish trick at once It was to be tortured—tortured for a period of an hour and a half, for the amusement of an idle crowd —in order that the public might be gulled into the purchase of the so-called ventilating hats of the fiend Wilkins.

I felt—but I will not dwell upon my agonies; I will not dilate on the horrible sufferings I endured. I was being gradually cooked alive, and I felt that concentrated boiling gravy, not blood, was coursing through my veins. My features were contorted with agony ; the crowd in the street outside gave me a tremendous round Si applause. 1 tried to break loose, As I did so, a yoice from the room below uttered the following dreadful threat : ‘lt’s a hundred and twenty now, my man, and if you move I’ll make it a hundred and fifty.’ I shed tears of rage, indignation and suf fering ; I endured the most dreadful tortures for a whole hour and a half. When I left Wilkins’s establishment with half-a -crown in my pocket, I was more dead than alive. It is the dream of my life that I and Mr Wilkins, tlie inventor ot the ventilating hat, may meet in some lonely place. 1 am not o revengefvl man, but I feel that I owe Wilkins something that 1 should like to repay.