Miscellaneous.

Wairoa Bell, Volume V, Issue 191, 30 March 1893, Page 7

Miscellaneous.

A rich contractor was holding forth upon the instability of the world, ‘ Can you account for it, sir ? ’ he asked, turning to Foote, the comedian. ‘ Well, not very clearly,’ he responded, ‘ unless we suppose it was built by contract.’ A friend in the country sent an absentminded General a brace of birds Meeting a boy in the street, the old warrior thus addressed him : ‘ Carry these birds home, my boy, and here’s a shilling for you,’ ‘ All right, sir ! ’ said the lad, skipping off. ‘ And now, Maria,’ said the old soldier at diuner that evening, 1 now we’ll have the birds.’ ‘ Birds ! what birds ? ’ she snapped. Explanations and inquiries followed, and it was not until the house had been searched through that he cried, ‘ I forgot to give the boy my address, and he has appropriated the birds for himself 1 ’ 1 I saw you at the funeral the other day, said one lady to another yesterday, ‘ Yes, I saw you, too,' ‘ How natural the corpse looked ! ‘ Just like marble.’ ‘ I never heard a more affecting funeral sermon, did you?’ ‘Never. And just think of it, when everybody was cryiug 1 reached for my handkerchief, and found to my horror that it was a red one I had in my pocket.’ ‘ Goodness ! What did you do ? ’ * AYhy I didn’t cry. How could I when everyone else in church was using white ? ’ A Connecticut editor, in winding up a most touching obituary article, said to the mourning friends, ‘Be comforted, ye sorrowing ones, there is still a balm in Gilead.’ The next morning he read, ‘ Be comforted, ye snoring ones, there is still a barn in Guilford.’

‘ It was a popular notion of the ancients,’ said a showman, ‘ that this ’ere animal, as we call a leopard, can’t change his spots ; but it’s not known that £ he sleeps in one spot one night, and in another spot another night, and is continually a changin’ his spots.’ ‘ Do you love me still, Jhon ?’ whispered a sensitive wife to her husband. ‘Of course I do ; the stiller the better,’ answered the stupid husband ‘ Thank goodness,’ exclaimed a fond father, as he paced the floor at midnight, ‘ thank goodness you are not twins,’ Lady Middleton quotes the following ridd'e : —W imt are the rights of women?’ Answer: 6 The lefts of men.’ Mrs Hobart saiii : 1 I was asked if I ‘ wanted to vote like a man ?' ‘ No,’ I replied, ‘ I want to vote like a woman.’ A corn spondent of an exchange is responsible for the following :—A class in natural history in one cf our local schools was recently called up for recitation. The teacher talked to them about the relations of friendship between man and animals, and then asked a girl : ‘ Do animals really possess the sentiment of affection ? 1 * Yes, almost always/ said the girl. ‘And now/ said the teacher, turning to a little boy, ‘ tell me what animal has th * greatness natural foulness for man ? ’ ‘ Woman ? ’ said the boy. It was a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who, being asked where her husband was, when he lay concealed for being deeply concerned in a conspiracy, resolutely answered, ‘ She had hid him/ This confession drew her before the king, who told her, nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed could save her from the torture. ‘ And will that do/ said the lady. ‘ \ es,’ replied the king. ‘I give you my word for it.’ ‘ Then,’ answered she, ‘ I have hid him in my heart, where you’ll find him. Which answer so charmed the king that he granted a free pardon to both the husband and wife.