THE WANDERER.

Wairoa Bell, Volume V, Issue 182, 27 January 1893, Page 3

THE WANDERER.

Influenza is very prevalent up North and the Wanderer has been fool enough to go and catch it. Ugh ! what a head ; Heavens lis it going to burst ? What racking pains all over the body ! What an abominable cough shaking one from head I o foot ! What a throat perfectly raw and apparen'ly with a red-hot file running up and down it! Eyes burning and appear to be making frantic efforts to jump out of their sockets. What a detestable running at the nose, leading one to believe that if it runs much longer it will run down to his toes before it stops. Such has been ray experience during the last few days And this, good readers of the Bell, must be the Wanderer’s excuse for not having kept you so well supplied with notes lately- Influenza indeed ! confound the complaint ! I only hope the next time it comes this way it will quietly pass me by. I’ll promise not to be annoyed at its forgetting to notice me. I’m not a greedy man and am quite willing that somebo ly else should have my share of it.

While laid up a few friends called to see me and one of them while on a visit told a couple of ‘ characteristic ’ yarns which I thought very good, and though many of the readers of the Bell may have read or heard them before, there are many most probably who have not done so and for the benefit of the latter I will retell them- The first was of an Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman who were conversing in a room of one of the continental hotels, After talking on general topics for a time the German turning to the Frenchman asked him the following question ‘ Supposing you were not a Frenchman to which country would you like to belong?’ Mr Frenchman, always wishing to be particularly polite, answered that he most certainly thought he would like to be a German. On a similar question being put to the German he not wishing to be outdone in politeness at once replied that under the circumstances he would prefer being a Frenchman. The question was then put to the Englishman when John Bull promptly blurted out.- ‘ Well, all I can say is that if I was not an Englishman I should be constantly praying to heaven that I might be one.’ The other yarn was of an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman. It was questioned whether they would give characteristic answers to any questions asked of them. Some asserted that they would while others were doubtful, so to prove it they decided to call in one of each country, putting to each of them the same question: The Englishman was the first called and was asked : ‘ What will you take to run round St. Paul’s churchyard in your shirt three times, at eleven o’clock on a frosty night. To this he promptly replied ‘ a quart o’ arf an arf.‘ The Scotchman was then called and his reply to the question was : ‘ What’ll ye gie us ?‘ Then came Paddy‘s turn and on the question being put to him he scratched his head, poked his finger through a hole in the erowa of his hat

and answered : ‘Well begorra ! your honour, Id be aflher takin a moighty big cowld.‘ Well done Pat!

How those Kopuru youngsters must have enjoyed their picnic at Toka Toka. With what infinite gusto they must have swallowed the cup that cheers etc. Tea and castor oil, —well yes, it may have been a cup to cheer ; there‘s no accounting for tastes, but it strikes me most forcibly that there would have been a lot of the etc, business afterwards. At all events the Wanderer does not regret, that he was unavoidably absent on that occassion. Then the Headmaster was conspicious by his thoughtful attention to the little ones. I should think so after such a dose —they'd want it. Now the question arises was not the whole thing a huge plot to get those unfortunate little ones to unwittingly take a dose of physic, or was it not a wholesale plot to do our worthy doctor out of a lot of his legitimate fees?— the whole thing wants looking into. Your correspondent appears to have kept a sharp eye upon the mashing and quite right to do so, but I consider ithanily fair to try and insinuate that Mr E litor wonld have been as had had he been present' Why ! they‘ll be trying it on with the Wanderer next. Great Scott! that would never do.

Some time since I noticed in your Maropiu notes that a party was getting a petition signed for granting a license to certain premises at the Maunganui Bluff. This caused me to make some enquiries about it and I was informed that the property in question is in the Hokianga County and within the Waima licensing district. At the last poll that district voted against an increase of licences, consequently it would appear to he useless to apply for a license for these premises.

The last time I was in Kaihu I hoard it rumoured that a certain party had decided to contest Eden against the Hon, E. Mitchelson. On my impaiting this information to an acquaintance he replied, ‘ Well lad ! there be enough old idiots in t' House already wi’out putting in t’other old un an turnin’ oot er good man.’ Another replied that the fossil had at last reached the acme of Umph. Yes ! that’s about it, but as the Bell has many readers with delicate ears we’ll leave it at that. Yet thero are some who have the impudence to say that if he got in it would be the nearest approach to paradise he is ever likely to attain. What next I

I had a chat with Rikihana at Opanaka the other day and told him that Lundon had threatened to bring an action against him in the Supreme Court. It would have done anyone good to have seen the glad smile which overspread his countenance as he replied that he hoped that Lundon would carry out his threat. He further stated he had some additional and important evidence to bring forward and which he had no doubt Mr Lundon would be delighted to hear (?). Many are now of the opinion that Lundon was put up to the dodge of throwing out his threat so as to gag the press. But what about the interpreter, the J. P.. and the postmaster? Are these gen try t.o g ;I Scon ? If so, it will be highly discreditable to the Government, and anything but creditable to the Colony, * * * What a place New Zealand is for presentations, every drapers hack or counter j umper who may chance to be leiving his billet must now be presented with some article of value, and an illuminated address setting forth a number of good qualities and virtues that in nine oases out of ten the recipient himself did not know he possessed. A nice exhibition of this sort of thing we have had lately in the presentation of purses of sovereigns, addresses etc, to the police Inspectors men in receipt of large salaries from Government, and who, on being shifted have the whole of their travelling expenses paid. Will anyone have the presumption to say, that money could not have b°en better expended a nong th* poor and needy in each of the dis ricts. Ido not mean to say that the officers were not worthy of the presents, but I do say that the money collected for that purpose could have been put to much better us 9. The whole thing is becoming a farce, We seem to think nothing of giving away hundreds of pounds in this way, yet what a piteous howl we car raise over the expenditure of a few paltry hundreds upon deserving charitable institutions.