Miscellaneous.

Wairoa Bell, Volume IV, Issue 161, 2 September 1892, Page 7

Miscellaneous.

Collector : ‘You told me to call to-day f sir.’ Mr Slowpay (with deep emotion): ‘I suppose you heard of the failure of Sure, Cash & Co’s, bank this morning ? ’ Collector : * Yes ; a report to that effect was about, but it was all a mistake. A cheque on that bank is as good as on any other.’ Mr Siowpay : ‘ Um—please call again.’ Butcher (proprietor of a cheap market) - * Did you have any trouble in finding the place ? ’ Customer : ‘ Oh, no ! You see there is a good strong wind this morning, and you had those old turkeys hanging outside.’ Mother (returning to the lunch table after a short absence) : ‘ Why, where are the jumbles? Tommy (sternly) any did you eat while I was out ? ’ Tommy (aged seven) : ‘ I mi, ijiav mamma. You told me it was very rude to count what was eaten at tab’e.’ ‘ Johnnie,’ said his mother, ‘ did yen get any marks at school today for conduct?’ ‘ Yes,' promptly'replied Johnnie, ‘several ; but if you want to see them I’ll have to take off some of my clothes,’

He ; ‘ What sort of an animal would you prefer to De, Miss iNorthcote—that is, if y'ou had to be an animal ? ’ She ; ‘ Oh, I don’t know, lam sure. But I know what sort of an animal I would like to have you be 1 ’ He (curiously): ‘ What ? ’ She : A weasel.’ He : ‘ A weasel ! —and pray why ? ’ She : ‘ Don’t you remember the old nursery rhyme, ‘ Pop goes the weasel ’? ’ 4 1 go through my work,’ said a needle to an idle boy. 1 But not until you are hard pushed,’ said the idle boy to the needle. 1 What do you mean, sir, by thrasiiing my small boy William ? ’ ‘ Why, you told me you wanted your little bill settled.’ ‘ How beautifully soft it is,’ he murmured laying his hand on her glorious white arm. ‘ How less beautiful, but oh, so much softer,’ she tenderly replied, laying her jewelled hand ou the top of his venerable head. Mistress (kindly): ‘ Jane, I hear you have been seen in the park with my husband.’ Jane (defiantly) : ‘ Yes ma’am ; I have.’ Mistress (still more kindly) : * Well, Jane, you are a good girl, and I dislike to lose you, but I cannot have anyone about the house who keeps bad company. So you can pack up.’ Fond Mother (to daughter).- ‘Jennie, did you kiss youug Skingass attain tonight ?’ Daughter : ‘Yes, mamma ; he’s just lost an uncle, and I was sorry for him.’ ‘ Well, Jennie, let this be the last. I’m afraid if you keep on encouraging him with your sympathy, he won’t have a relative left in the wide, wide world.’ After a row with his wife, who violently expressed a wish that he was dead, an Irishman said : ‘Oh ! it’s a widow you’re wantin’ to be, is it? Bedad ! I’ll take good care you’re no widow as long as I live.’ Jones, who is absent-mindedness itself, entered a boot shop the ottier day and asked the attendant to measure his so.i ma heir for a pair cf boots. ‘ But where is he, sir ?’ asks the shopman, ‘ Why, drat the boy,’ exclaims Jones, waking up and glancing around, ‘if I have’nt come and left him at home!’ Little Mamie is sick in bed, but refuses persistently to take the prescribed pilJ, Her mother, however, resorts to strategy, concealing the pill in some preserved pear, and giving it to the child to eat. After a while mamma asks : ‘ Has my- little darling eaten her pear ?’ ‘ All except the seed, mamma dear,’ replies Mamie. Englishman (to American! •’ * Have you change for a sovereign, sir? ’ American ; ‘ Yes, let her abdicate and giye the Prince of Wales a chance.’ Cloakroom attendant (to countryman) ‘ You will have to leave your umbrella here.’ ‘ What for ? ’ ‘ Because it doesn’t rain in the picture gallery.’ He : ‘ This is a pretty steep hill, Miss Seer. Wont you accept my hand ? ’ She : * That is such a surprise, Mr Billings. I will have to ask papa first!’ He . ‘ What ! You don’t mean to tell me that yoar father ia still living ? ’ Husband (member of the Sportsmen’s Club ; * I see they have arrested some men in the East for shooting birds on the wing.’ Wife : ‘ Serves them right. They should shoot them on the head or foot. You men have no idea how ugly a spoiled wing looks on a hat,’ Teacher: ‘ Name to me some of the most important things existing to day which were unknown one hundred years ago ?’ Pupil: ‘ You and me ’ A woman can keep a secret, but she does’nt like to. ‘ Are you looking for anyone in particular V said the rat when he saw the cat watching fur him. During an - -xamiiiiU i < school the examiner «sxe < i 4 When does mor i i -i tli . ,» . smartly answered, ‘ When you pop tue question and are answered ‘ no.’ Mrs Brown .- ‘ I told you Bobby, if you did that again, 1 would send you from the table. ’ Bobby : ‘ Yes ma, I know yon did.’ ‘ Then why have you done it?’ ‘ Because I’ye finished,’