Miscellaneous.

Wairoa Bell, Volume IV, Issue 140, 8 April 1892, Page 6

Miscellaneous.

An old woman was standing at her door one day, watching Her son departing, while one of tier neighbours was passing, when she remarked ; ' I fear I have seen my son for the last time.’ ‘What,’ replied her neighbour, ‘ has he gone to sea, or joined the sodgers ?’ She solemnly replied : ‘ Na, na ; he has gone to play in the litba* team.’ A clergyman, who was a ;e formed

gambler, was absorbed in thought one morning just before divine service began, when he was approached by the organist, who asked, referring to the opening hymn, c What shall I play V ‘ Lead trumps when in doubt,’ responded the absent-minded clergyman. A Western (American) lady, who had been deserted by two consecutive husbands, has contracted a third matrimonial alliance which she hopes may bo permanent, with a gentleman whose legs have been amputated.

It takes two to make a bargain, and one must pay for the drinks. ‘ ’Tis sweet to dye for those we love,’exclaimed a young man when his best girl asked him why he didn’t wear a black in - stead of a light moustache. Rev, Dr, West, of New Bedford, Mass., once heard that his choir refused to sing oil the next Sunday. When the day came he gave out the hymn, * Come ye who love the Lord.’ After reading it through he looked up very emphatically at the choir, and said, ‘ You will begin at the second verse, ‘Le those refuse to sing who never knew our God,’ ’ The choir sang, A man in America with a mechanical turn has invented a safe, which lie says is burglar proof. When completed he offered 5000 dollars to anyone who could open it, and in a moment of forgetfulness he went inside and closed the door of the safe. Many persons tried to open it, but couldn’t and the inventor is still on the inside. His friends pass him eatables through the keyhole, and they are now employed in passing a fire proof jacket by the same aperture, intending to have the safe melted down in a blast furnace to free the ir ventor from what otnerwisc must prove his living tomb. Who believes it?

‘ John, did you go round to ask bow old Mrs Jones is this morning, as I told you to do last night?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ Well, what’s the result?’ ‘ She said that, seeing as how you’d had the impudence to send to ask how old she was, she’d no objection to telling you that she’s 74.’ A lady taking tea at a small company being very fond of hot rolls was asked to have another. ‘ Really, I cannot/ she modestly replied, I don’t know how many I have eaten already.* ‘ I do/ unexpectedly cried a juvenile upstart, whose mother had allowed him a seat at the table. ‘ You have eaten eight. I’ve been countin’ !’ It is a touching story that the New Haven JP alii diuni tells of a widow’s little child who received a reward of merit at school, and ran eagerly to her mother, saying, ‘1 held it up to the sky all the way home that papa might see what a good girl I had been/ A prize was offered at an Oddfellows’ picnic in San Francisco, the other day, of a chair for the fattest baby, and when the award was made it was discovered that the winner could not sit in it. The proud but exasperated mother declared that the blunder was ‘ just like these men.’ It is estimated that in Paris alone ladies comb out daily and throw away JLOOlbs. of hair among the refuse. This the ragpickers collect from the dust-bins and sell to the chiffoniers. The hair is then rolled in sawdust, cleaned from mud, dust, and grease, carded, separated, arranged according to length and colour, and finally sold to the hair dealer. A fellow in Indiana put one end of a gunbarrel in the fire and looked down the muzzle to see whether it was loaded. A coroner’s jury decided that his suspicions were correct. An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies that a good many men had done the same thing by marrying one. a. Northern editor says that quite a number of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to marry, without going any further. Certainly the best medicine known is Sander and Sons’ Eucalypti Extract. Test its eminently powerful effects in coughs, colds, influenza—the relief is instantaneous. In serious cases, and accidents of all kinds, be they wounds, burns, scalding?, bruises, sprains, it is the safest, remedy—no swelling, no inflammation. Like surprising effects produced in croup, diphtheria, bronchitis, inflammation of the lungs, swelling**, etc.; diarrhoea, dysentery, diseases of the kidneys and urinary organs. In use at hospitals and medical clinics all over the globe ; patronised b}' His Majesty the Ring of Italy ; crowned with medal and diploma at International Exhibition Amsterdam. Trust in this approved article, an; reject all others.

If you want to furnish, the best house to go to is G- arick and Oran well’s of Auckland. Thev furnish a three roomed house for £l7 10s, a four roomed house for £3B, a five roomed house for £SO, a six roomed house for £l5O. In addition to furniture ; bed linen, blankets, curtains, table cloths, towels, fender and irons and floor coverings, are supplied for the above, for net cash They are large importers of American and Austrian bent wood chairs, iron bedsteads and manufacturers of all other kinds of furniture. Thev import direct from the manufacturers, carpets, linoleum, mattings, Manchester goods and general furnishings. You can get all you want in your home at the most reasonable prices, and can depend on having- it well packed. Bedding of all kinds kept ready for Wire wove mattresses made to any size by Garlick and. Oran well, Queen - Street ; Auckland. [Advt.j