MR DOOLEY DISCUSSES WAR.

Wairarapa Age, Volume XXX, Issue 8510, 14 August 1907, Page 3

MR DOOLEY DISCUSSES WAR.

"Well, Sir," said Mr Dooley, "it'; wondherful what that man Andhrev Carnaygie can do." "What's he been up to iv late?' asked Mr Hennessy. "He's been abolishin' war," sai( Mr Dooley. "Be all accounts there'l be no more war. Peace hangs ove: th' wurruld. Tiddy Rosenfelt has turned his Golt's forty-four into ; flute an' plays on it urdher th' moon Th' Imperor Willum is larnin' th game iv crokay. They're goin' ti disband th' armies ivrywhere an' sin< th' sojers back to wurruk at th' arts lvlPeace. "An' Andhrew did it all. A grea man, a great little man, finest advertisement iv oats, Caledonya's favritt son an' a product that Pittsburg ought to be glad she turned out. He done it all, th' fine little man. He goi a grudge agin War as a pursoot. H< pitchered in his mind thousands i\ young men throwin' down th' useful pick an' shovel an' takin' up th' more pitcy carried rifle an exchanging th' hon'rble blue overalls an' red flannel shirt f'r th' degradin' khaki an' yellow boots an' slouch hat with sabres crossed on it, an' goin' off on a thrain without payin' anny fare, an' th' thought filled him with horror. "War certainly is hell, as Gin'ral Sherman said with a smile. What cud ye imagine more dreadful than a young man that has had his life consecrated to hon'rble toil chasin' off to th' ignominyous pursoot iv arms? To-day he is servin' his counthry well be pushin' a small thruck-load iv soft coal up an incline that Barnum ought to have in his circus f'r th' loop th' loop lady, or injyin' a quite afthernoon in July blowin' glass, or thnppin' lightly fr'm car to car on a fast freight an' sometimes gettin' undher th' viaduct an' sometimes hurtn'it with his head. If he only knew it, he's a man we ought to be proud iv. He's a man we ar're proud iv. He's a man Andhrew Carnaygie xvud be glad to go up to an' grasp him be th' hand an' say to him, 'Thank ye, me good fellow; go back to wurruk now.' " But Mr Doolej goes on to imagine this artisan off to the army. "'Tis this thrajedy that Andhrew has broken up. An' he's right. Ye look on this here young fellow as a hayro.- Andhrew an' me look on him as a deserter. That's what he is, too. He's left his proud position in th' industhreel army. He's abandoned his post. He's quit Andhrew. He ain't to blame. I'll say this f'r Andhrew, he blames nobody. Ivrybody is all right. They are doin' th' best they can, poor things. He wudden't fight ! . a sojer. • He wud cross th' st'nreet i i-ather thin have a conthrovarsy with j wan iv thim excellent but ill-inform-ed men. It is not th' sojer but th' thing itself he hates. War! An awful thing. Why not, if two nations quarrel give wan iv thim an option on th' other? That'd fix it. Annything ye can't do with a option ain't worth •doin'. So he wrote a letter to all th' other crowned heads in th' wurruld an' asked thim to sind dillygates to a j peace conference. j "Th' dillygates gathered fr'm far j an' near. Andhrew paid their fares. ! Andhrew met thim at th' boat an' | give thim spendin' money. It was Andhrew that took thim in throlley ! ■cars out to see th' stuffed animals . an' th' bones iv prehistoric monsthers j in th' museums. His idea is to make Peace thruly atthractive an' gay. J "I'll not thry to tell ye what was . done at th' meetin'. Ye've read | about it in th' pa-apers. Th' dilly- • gates pledged thimsilves to call upon j their rispective nations to beat their sowrds into plow-shares, which Andh-! xew Carnaygie agreed to float on th' j market as soon as money got a little ; aisier. At th' end iv th' meetin' th' j Fr-rinch riprisintative crept round beliind Andhrew an' garotted him with th' Legend iv Honor. This is a rare dignity f'r Fr-rance to bestow on annywan. It admits Andhrew to a society that includes Packin, th' ■well-known dhressmaker, two reaper mannyfacthrers fr'm Chicago,a cillybrated English pickle maker, an' Jacques, th' best barber.in all Paris, j But it was an honor well arned. Th' j total cost iv th' entartainment, in- ■ cludin' 'bus fare, new embrellys, I restorin' lost eye-glasses, grool in th' , rooms, etcethry, was wan hunderd an' j fifty thousand dollars, an' that, me ■ frmd on a newspaper tells me, is . about th' equivalent iv twinty cents ! an aeate line next to. pure readin' matther. Very raisonable." — Mr! Finley Peter Dunne, in the Toronto Saturday Night. I