ODD STORIES.

Wairarapa Age, Volume XXVIX, Issue 8114, 7 April 1906, Page 7

ODD STORIES.

MARK TWAIN'S TOAST.

Mark Twain, who celebrated hia seventieth birthday not long ago, ia still able to enjoy life with the zeßt of a Peter Pan. nor has he apparently forgotten the delights of stolen sweets, for the other day, when temperance organisations were under discussion, his to the debate (and whether bespoke for or against, he left his audience to decide, as the true humourist always doea) was this brief remark: "Taking the pledge will not make bad liauor good, but it will improve it."

INTERVIEWING THE; SULTAN.

An interview with the Sultan of f Turkey has its amusing 9idw. That monarch is not supposed officially to know any language but his own. An interpreter thunders His Majesty's question at the visitor, then cringes with awe at he listens to the words of bis Royal master. The contrast is close to the ridiculous. At the conclusion of the interview the Sultanjrises and says quietly: "Now that out business is over, will you join me in my study and have a cup of coffee?"

COULD NOT jjTRUST HIM

After a wordy argument in which neither scored, two Irishmen decided to fight it oat. It was agreed that when either said "I've enough" the fight should cease. After they had been at it about ten minutes one of them fell, and immediately yelled, "Enough! I've enough!" But his opponent kept on poundingjhim until a man who was watching them said: "Why don't you let him up? He says he's got enough." "I know be says so," said the victor, between punches, "but he'B aaoh a liar you can't believe a word he says!"

COSTLF DISCIPLINE.

A popular Eastern doctor telle thia story of a bright boy, another doctor's son, who baa reached tbo mature age of ten, after an early career marked by n>any wild and mischievous pranks. His restless nature has made him something of a torment to his teacher at times, and one afternoon, not long ago, she kept him after the others were dismissed and had a serious talk with him. Perhaps she was a little afraid that her admonitions were falling on stony groand. Anyway, she finally said, "I certainly will hfave' to ask your father to come and see me." "Don't do it," said the boy. The teacher thought she had made an impression. 'Tea," she repeated, "I must send for your father." "You'd better not," said the boy. "Why no?" inquired the teacher. "'Cause he oharges two dollars a visit." said the scamp.

A CAUTION TO TOURISTS.

Not long ago a tourist, while sojourning at a rising Soottisb seaside resort, was one morning almost drowned through rushing into the sea to recover his hat that bad been blown off in a gale of wind. He was, however, gallantly resoued by a passer-by, but, to his unbounded astonishment and surprise, he was seized by a constable as ho waa being dragged ashore and conveyed to the police station, where he was charged with disregarding a by-law whiub enaoted that anyone found in the vater after 8 a.m. should be prosecuted as the law directs. The presiding baillie animadverted severely on the heinousness of such a flagrant breach of the law, remarking: "Eh, mon, ah' ao ye are dom' all ye pan to drive ana trade and frighten awa sight-Beers from the toon. It's a shame, after we hae spent so muob money to mak' the toon attractive. J hae a great mind to mak' ye pay a heavy fine for yer thoughtless conduct!" ' 'Silence I' 'roared that functionary, "silence. Ye cam here an' get droon'd; that gie's the toon a bad name and oast a gloom ower every thing, frightens awa visitors and upsets all our arrangements for the entire season. Now awa the noo, and remember ye maun be oarefu'for the future."

An engineer, after making a round of all the shops in the locality in vain, resolved, as a last experiment, to try bis hand at blacksmith work, fie accordingly made application at a small farrier's establshment. "How long have you been at this kind of work?" asked the proprietor, "Ob, about three years from first to last,' was the unabashed reply. "Very well, then," said the blacksmith, "we'll give you a job. Go out into the yard, there, and shoe that horse." The applicant we/it out, and after be had been away for about half an hour, the master followed him, to see what progress he had made. "What!" exclaimed the smith, "is that job not finished yet?" "Finished," ejaculated the engineer, "1 can't get his confounded foot in the vice!"

Jaok Ford :"Did you see that girl out me tben?V. Fred Wilcox: "I noticed she didn't bow." "And yet I saved her life." g "How." "We were engaged, and she said she would rather die than marry me, sol let her off." '

Laurar/'Ob, pape,. hide behind the door! Charlie is coming, and he'll be so surprised at finding you here." Charlie: "Oh I say, Lama, I've been down to the station after, your blooming old dad, and got -left. The old idiot missed the train." Laura's father: "Ob. l! 'didn't!" (Tableau).