ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Wairarapa Age, Volume XXVIII, Issue 7988, 17 March 1906, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Mr Dooley on stamp collecting:— •'Th' British Uuvment issued a noo series last week with a fine study uv the Noo Zealanders futballers on it. Bui they were witdrawn as they found they couldn't lick 'em.' "Tell me," said the school-teacher in an English school, "what is the meaning of the word 'nil'?" The boy who waa questioned had no difficulty in answering "It's tho soore that the English teams make against the Netr Zealand footballers.' v Hard Linos.—At a curtain sohool ~:|1 in the Midlands it is customary to give questions and answers in religious instruction one day in the week, and to ask them agaui in tho form of examination on another day. The following incident occurred some time ago:—Question: "When were wo admitted into "Jod's great family?" Small Boy: "Please, sir, I was absent on that day." Sure to be Kicked.—"Gee winzi" said George for the twen'ietb time. "It makes me mad every time I think of the ton dollars I lost to-day. 1 actually feel as if I'd like to have somebody kick me.'" j "By the way, George," said the dear girl, dreamily, "don't you think you'd better speak to father this evening." The Foundation.— Johnson was compiling bis great dictionary. "f want to make a book the baby can sit on at the table," he ex plained. Therewith he hastened to get it done before tho youngstor grew up. Porterage and Cabbage—A British officer, in bis expense list on government service, put down "Porter, twopence." The War Office, in a verbose letter, pointed out - that refreshments, while in the execution ot public duty, wero not chargeable to the nation. "Ihe officer replied that the item did not represent refreshments, but a fee to a carrier. The officer replied: "You should have said 'porterage.' " The officer treasured the hint. Next time he had occasion to take a hackney coach he out down'in his account, "Cabbage, two shillings." Taking Command at Once.—He £ had married a widow, and they no r sooner got home after the ceremonies than she put her arms akimbo, and remarked: 'Now, John, off with them bridal duds of yourn and fetch me a couplo o' ecuttles o' coal from the cellar quick" t "But my angel I" he exclaimed. "My " "No nonsense, John. Then go on to the attic and bring mo down that large Saratoga, and afterwards you can step around to the grocer's and get that box of soap, you know. Then you can help me get supper rea—" John tendered his resignation on the spot. A Heeded Tip.—First Waiter: "Did that Arizona ranchman give you a tip?" Second Waiter: "1 should say ho did. He told me if I didn't step lively he'd blow the top of my head off."

A Fanny boarder Squelched.— "Will somebody please chase the now down this way?" asked a Hannibal (Mo.) fanny boarder, who. wanted some milk for his oatmeal 011 Sunday morning. Seizing the cream pitcher and starting it down the line, the landlady crushingly replied: "Please hurry the cow t» where the calf is bawling.' The funny boarder now takes hiß meals at the restaurant. Why He Retired. Henrietta : "And what did you do when the bullets began to whistle about your head.'j Henry: "1 made for the rear as soon aa oossible. Whistling of any kind always does send me crazy." Where Do You Think He Went.— She j "I'he man was here to-day looking for that gas leak a candle." He: "Did he And it?" "Yes; but they haven't found the man yet." Their Name is Legjon.—The aged coloured man bad applied for admission at the nearly gates. "What was your business when on earth?" inquired St. Peter. "Body servant to Gineral Washington, sab." "Oh, well, you want to go to that lower gate," said St. Peter, not uaKindly. "You see, body servants on General Washington got bo aumerous that we roped off a nice, roomy section where they could all be together. You'll find 'em all there." And the aged Etheonian tottered away. He Was Charged.—A polite, middle-aged negro was locked ap at the JSastern Station, charged with being drank on the street. An officer passing the coll asked: "Sam, what are you charged with?' "Boss, Ise charged with alcohol.' was the reply. Of Greater Importance.—"But I think you should marry the tall blonde," said the young man with the big cane. "She can arrange her hair beautifully." "Bother her hair!" exclaimed the practiaal young man. '1 want a girl who can arrange a beefsteak beautifully." CBOUBY CHILDREN II your children arc subject to croup, watch for the first symptoms of the disease —hoarseness. If \ Chamberlain's Cough Remedy is given as soon as the child becomes hoarse, the attack can be averted. Even after the croupy cough has appeared the attack can always be prevented by giving this remedy. It is also invaluable jor colds and whooping coughs. It alway cores and cares quickly. For sale by T. G Macon, Jfasterion.—advt.