ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Wairarapa Age, Volume XXVIII, Issue 7960, 10 February 1906, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Mnsio Teacher: "Johnny ia im proving daily in bis violin playing." Johnny's mother (gratified): "Is that ao? We didn't know whether be was improving or whether we were just getting more used to It." A: "I haven't very much confidence in the eye specialist who's treating me." B: "Why, what's the reason? Doesn't he s«em to understand your case?" A: "Yes, but be doesn't charge me enough." Hearing a faint rustle in the darkened hall below, the elder sister, supposing the young man had gone, leaned over the balustrade and called out, "Well, Bessie, have you landed him?" There was a deep sepulchral silence for some moments, and then it was broken by the hesitating coustraioed voice of the young man, "She has." An old woman, wbo had receivod a cheque, went with great glee to a baok to draw the money. "This cheque is crossed; we oannot pay it over the counter, my good woman." "All right, sir, I'll come round then," was the immediate reply. Freddie: "If, after all that has been, Mabel, [ sbouldtell you that 1 found I did not Jove you as much as I love someone else, and that I ooald not marry you, would it be a great trial for you dear?" Mabel: "Yes, Freddie, dear It would be a breach of promise trial." "I wish I were a book," remarked tbe neglected wife to the learned professor, "then perhaps you would pay some attention* to me." "Ab," exclaimed, the professor "if you were only an almanac, I could exchange you every year." Hostess: [ And do you really believe in Christian Science? —Visitor: Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter lately, and it's such a comfort to know that 1 really have no body!-"Punch." Mistress:, I'm afraid we shall have a lot to do next month, Mary, as my daughter will be coming oat! —Maid: Is she mum? So's my father!—" Sketchy Bits." He: Why won't you ever speak to Tom Kichardson now? He's a good sort, but, of course, a rough diamond.—She: That's just it. In my opinion he requires cutting.—"Fick-Me-Up." Bishop (to a littlo visitor, who has asked him to sign a post card portrait of himself): But—er—surely, I signed one for you the other day! —Little Visitor: "Yes but I swapped you for tvvu New Zealanders, you know—'-'Punch." Sister Marian: Dick paid me suoh a compliment last night. He said I seemed to grow prettier every time he called.—Brutal Brother: Ihen •why don't you ask him to call more frequently?—" Sketchy Bits." "We'vo been obliged to raise your rent, Mr Macdaub,'—Much obliged, for it's more than I could do.— "Ally Sloper's Half-Holiday." There is a story of a ladies committee which, desiring to raise money for some high and lofty par pose, decided that each of its members should earn a pound or two by the labour of their own private hands and beads. In due seasoi the n oney was paid, and each worthy labourer had to declare how she had come by it. One said she had made sweets, and, regardless of her friends' health, sold them. One had done fanoywork. Oqe had attempted art —and so on. Finally one said she had received her money from her husband. There was a cnorus of objections: "Oh, but that isu't fair. That isn't hard work." Then, said the poor woman, wearil}, "Do you know my husband?" "Want my daughter, eb—what are your prospects?" "Well, I own a gold mine." "Working it?" "No—working the publio with it." "Take her and be happy."—"Life." "Poets are born, sir," said the bard to the editor. "Yes, I koew they weren't hatched from duck .eggs," answered the editor. "But the question is, why are they born?" —"Cleveland Leader." "That politician takes great credit to himself for keeping his promises." "I don't see why he should," answered Senator Sorghum. "Anybody can keep a promise, but it sometimes requires an artist to break one."—"Washington Star."