AN ESSAY ON WOMEN.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VII, Issue 406, 7 November 1874, Page 6

AN ESSAY ON WOMEN.

The following humorous essay, recently l-ead at ihe '" Arrow debating Club," appears in the " Observer :" — Women are of the highest order of vertebrated animals, and belong to the genus Homo. they partake of the characteristics of the mammal and the marsupial : — of the mammal, because they bring forth their young' in a perfect state and suckle ]bher_ at the breast, and are called manias ; and of the marsupial because they nurse their young, and caiTy them about with them whereever they go. Nature provides the other marsupials with a pouch in which to carry their young. Though nature Las not Toeen so bountiful to woman, Art has supplied the requisite pouch, which is sometimes mounted on wheels and>called a perambulator, and which is not necessarily an inseparable part of a woman ; as wealth sometimes provides them with, one of their own species to carry their youncf. A wornans form when walking is naturally erect and ' graceful ; but being devout worshippers of the godess Fashion, whose nod they - must obey, and she being a very jealous godess, imposes certain distortions to be worn by them for fear they should become too beautiful. 1 The iirst of these distortions is the Grecian, bend, which cants the body out of the perpendicular, and throws it forward. This, combined with the hitjli heels of their boo.ts, placed under the middle of the foot, throw their arms forward as they hurry through the street, as if about to drop on all-fours, or embrace the first person they meet. This accounts for the forwardness of the girls of our day. But to counterbalance this forward motion, Eashion has wisely provided her with ballast in the form of a chignon, which may be described as an enormous ex"cresence protruding from the back of the head, which increases to an alarming extent the bump of self-esteem ; and making the head appear as if the animal propensities predominated. "Women are gregarious animals, though they seldom herd together. We have only one instance in history where they did congregate, and these were the A mazons, who once foiinded an empire on I the banks of the river Thermadon, in Asia Minor. But, bold as they were, they could not hold out long, for they used to swim across the river to play wi&h the Greek warriors, arid forget to go back again; and in this manner they were all captured. They may be easily distinguished from- men in having no capillaiy append a q;e on thenether jaw. Sages have accounted for this by the fact that the constant wagging of the jaw did not allow the seed time to germinate. Women possess a considerable amount of electric and magnetic influence, the power of attraction and repulsion being ■ singularly combined. With her eye she can magnetise you, with her voice she can electrify you ; vpth her smite she can attract you, and make the blood course freely through your veins j with her. frown she can repulse you and make you feel as if cold water were trickling down your 1 back. Women are' very dextrous ■when- angling for a mate, and sometimes very cruel. They bait their' hooks with a lavish display of charms, either natural or artificial, or both combined. Her tongue is steeped in honey, the sweetest smiles play round her rosy lips. She seems nil gentleness and love. The Grecian bend gives a gentle stoop, but she only stoops to conquer. When the bait takes, and they have got the Look fairly in your gills, they begin to , sport .with your feelings ;* sometimes' hauling you up to the bank of their affection, then giving you the cold shoulder and letting you slip off into the cold stream again ; then winding you up on another tack ; without any consideration whatever for your feelings, which are stretched on the rack of expectation and galled and wounded by the bai bed hook that is sticking in you gills, until in desperation a man breaks the line and bolts down the stream with the hook rankling in his flesh. When -a woman serves two or three this way men get shy of her, and no matter what bait she puts on will only nibble at it, unless she puts on a golden one, which might succeed. The woman then becomes desperate, drops her angle and wears a net With which she freqneats places of publicjresort, and stands ready to cast it over the unwary man that only sniffs at the bait without waiting even for a nibble. Women wben caught and united to man are very useful creatures, sometimes very docile, and affectionate to their keepers, and very fond of their young. They are very easily domesticated, and will assist man in. all his concerns if properly tamed. Ido not know which is the best Sy stein of taming to persue with these creatures, but I believe the most ■ difficult part of the business is in bridling them properly. Coolness and courage are not a bib of use, T never knew a man to sttceoed-wbo kept his wits about him. I believe" a man must get excited into a sort of delirium and rush at them blindfolded, not knowing or caring vhatheisatnor thinking of ihe after .conconsequences, or he w.ill never succeed. In bridling them, an altar is used, and the bit is in the form of a ring which is plact-d on the finder instead of in the mouth. Soino 'few of them will chafe and fume at the restraint imposed, but they are not many. '* * *